Conflict and Defensiveness (Who Me?)

One of the dynamics in conflict that can quickly derail a problem-solving conversation is defensiveness. When you start defending yourself, you shift your focus to doing that instead of solving the issue at hand.

As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors or viewpoint, and your energies then go toward self-justification, or trying to be right. 

When you feel criticized, resist your urge to defend. Go in a different direction instead -- move toward the other person.  Instead of putting up the blockade, open yourself up to hearing them.

They have just told you how they are experiencing you, and, believe it or not, they are in need of help. Acknowledging their perspective is not an admission of guilt. It is simply recognition of another human being’s situation. Open up the dialogue even more, don’t shut it down.

For example, the other person says: “You always accuse me of saying something I never said. That is not what I told you.”  

Instead of defending whether or not you make those accusations, or arguing about whether they did or didn’t say something, change it up:

“I can see why you would feel that way. It’s not surprising we’d  both remember things differently when we talk since we’re different people. Tell me again now what you said and what you want to be sure that I understand.”

Think of this principle the next time you start to get defensive.

Take a breath, lean into what is being said, create some understanding, and stay on track.

Dr. Kay

If you'd like to know more about how to resist defensiveness in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Grace (It's Stronger Than You Think)

How many times have you hurt someone, or your actions angered them, and you truly just made a regrettable mistake that you wished you could erase? Didn’t you long for them to show you mercy and allow you to quickly make it right?

These are the instances you have to remember when someone else in your life offends you in this way. Remember how it was for you and extend grace to them.

Let Grace Fall Like Rain

Contrary to what you might believe (that this would be a sign of weakness), choosing to grant grace comes from a place of strength and security. It is a power that belongs only to you. When you realize you are in a position to give grace to another person – and you do – you use this power for good.

As you grant grace (and maybe mercy) to the one with whom you are in conflict, you interject gentleness into the situation, and you enable that person to lower their defenses.

It is a powerful act.

Do it when you can.

Make a clear decision to give grace this week – even if it’s only to the out-of-state driver who cuts in front of you. Allow yourself to experience the power that comes from this act of kindness.

DrK

P.S. And be sure to let yourself off the hook when you’re the one who needs the grace – being human definitely has its tough moments!

If you'd like to know more about how to extend grace in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Empathy (You Can Make An Impact)

When you find yourself in the middle of a conflict, you usually experience all sorts of debilitating states. You get confused, lose your train of thought, or feel overpowered. You become self-protective, and believe the other person doesn’t care about you or how you feel.

It is valuable to realize that if you are experiencing these dynamics, the other person is too. No matter what their non-verbal signals may tell you, they are experiencing the same confusion, weakness, and self-protective state that you are.

If you remember this, and try to help them out, you can do a lot to change the energy of the situation all by yourself. When you slow down your speech, or soften your voice, they don’t feel the need to self-protect so acutely. When you alter your words and tone from attacking to caring, it helps them (and you) feel connected again. 

A little goes a long way; just a small shift in your behavior can have a positive impact. Remember that they are having trouble too, and take steps to interject a little stability. By considering your shared difficulties, you can make a positive impact.

Take this dynamic into account the next time you’re talking to someone and they are getting upset. Understand that you share feelings in the encounter, and think about what you can do physically to be gentler in your approach.

When you are in that situation, be mindful of what you are experiencing and follow-through with actions that demonstrate your awareness that both of you are in the same boat. 

You will see results.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to develop empathy in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Time Out

 No posts this week -- between the holiday weekend and lots of prep for my booth at the special women's event nearby tomorrow, my hours seem to have disappeared.

But I'll be back next week. All the fun conversations and conflict discussions I'll be having this weekend should mean I'll have some good material too!

DrK

Conflict and Catastrophe (So What?)

When I began meeting with my doctoral committee about my dissertation topic, it was a challenging process. The standard for dissertations is high. You have to write about a subject that matters to academic readers.    

The conversation would go something like this: I would present the topic and my professor would say, “Why should I care about that?” I would give my answer, and then the prof would say, “So what?”

This would continue in some fashion until we had dissected the topic enough to get down to the essence of what was important about it. The rationale behind this scrutiny was to challenge my perspectives to the point where I could see the substance of what was truly important.

In conflict, it’s natural to go to a place of thinking that everything is critical – or catastrophic. Emotions are high and so many issues are involved. When you keep asking those questions though (Why should I care? So what? So . . ?), you can whittle things down to discover what truly concerns you.

 

In the grand scheme of things, there’ really isn’t much worth fighting about in your relationships, and your energies should be reserved for what is. Given a chance, you can probably figure out what is significant to you about a current dispute and discuss that more calmly.

When you’re involved in a relational conflict, take some time to reflect. Identify the catastrophic thinking that may be happening. Filter out the irrelevant parts, and get to the heart of the matter.  

You’ll find that when you do, the whole situation will become much more manageable!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to tackle your catastrophic thinking, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Loss (Treasure in Your Midst)

Awhile back, I opened a fortune cookie from my Chinese take-out and the small piece of paper inside said, “Treasure what you have.”

What got me thinking was the word “treasure.” It wasn’t “remember” what you have, or “think about” what you have. The word used was “treasure” -- cherish, hold dear, prize. It spoke to me of more than simply listing what I might possess. 

 

Treasuring comes from a deeper place within us. We almost have to stop whatever it is we’re doing to treasure something, or someone, to actually think about the precious value that might be there.

Conflict is an experience that interferes with treasuring what we have. We so often walk away from it acutely feeling what we’ve lost -- confidence, respect, joy.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe we still have something to treasure.

I can assure you though --  you do. 

Even if it is only measured in moments . . .

A moment when you told the truth instead of lying

A moment when you resisted hurting the other person

A moment when you felt friendship.

When you focus on what you don’t have (or what didn’t happen), it weakens you. In that mindset, you’re operating from a deficit. When you recognize what you do have, you get stronger, and when you stop to value those things, that connection can strengthen you even more.

In the days to come, realize what you did hold on to in the midst of a difficult conflict – what you still have – and believe you do have something to treasure.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to discover your treasure in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download