Understanding Your Capacity

There’s an old Mariah Carey song called “Hero” that makes the declaration a hero lies in each of us – one that is strong, and enables us not to be afraid of what we are.

As we live our lives, we all too often forget we are the Hero of our own story. We have many days when we feel like circumstances are carrying us along like white water rapids, and surviving is all we’re trying to do.

That is frequently how we view conflict too. We think, “I'll just get through it and pick up the pieces later.” Interpersonal dynamics are overwhelming, and we become more fearful than confident. Being a hero is the farthest thing from our mind.

The truth is, you do have hero power in conflict. You have choices that belong to you. You have influence on the direction the conversation’s going. You have a stake in the outcomes. You have the capacity to bravely stand for what you want and courageously show compassion to others.

Being a hero means being fully in charge of your own life, and using your ‘power’ for good. Two actions that are entirely possible in conflict, especially when you take the time to become skillful at them.

Answers to the conflicts of your life – and how you want to handle them – are inside your soul. Trust what is already there.

Stand tall. . . Go ahead – be the Hero!

DrK 

(A few of the lyrics)

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

If you'd like to know more about being your own hero in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

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The Great American Total Solar Eclipse Day

Happy Total Solar Eclipse Day!

I can’t seem to get my mind focused today as I’m waiting for the solar eclipse to take place this afternoon.

I know people who are able to be in the zone for the total eclipse today. We’ve been texting and excitement is mounting.

There’s just something thrilling about witnessing an uncommon event – to know it is happening and that many who have lived before us did not see it. (The last total solar eclipse was 38 years ago, and the last time a total eclipse was visible from coast to coast in the US was on June 8, 1918!)

In my reflection of the this day – and the emotion I’m feeling – I’m realizing how many “total eclipse” moments occur in our lives that we may not see as that.

Births of wonderful children, milestone birthdays, retirement after 40 years of faithful work, reunions with long lost friends whom we love – even meeting one of our favorite TV stars in a parking lot.  :)

Today I’m wishing you a fabulous time experiencing this exciting event and all the accompanying emotions!  Make those memories!

I’m also wishing you many more wonderful total-solar-eclipse-occasions in your life!

DrK

The Reinterpretation

Years ago I had a conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I feel that loss even now. It wasn’t the issue of disagreement that we couldn’t resolve; it was the negative motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my good (although mistaken) intentions, but nothing I said convinced her to change her beliefs. She was immovable. Hearing how entrenched she was in her refusal to accept my perspective, I felt helpless as I realized our relationship was slipping away.

I often think of that experience when I’m in conflict with someone and I don’t want to accept their premise that what I believe about their motives is inaccurate. In those moments it’s a struggle for me to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens to you, understand that accepting what they’re saying about their intentions doesn’t require you to deny what you’ve experienced, or invalidate your emotions resulting from their actions. You should address these effects and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of those outcomes.

However, you have no jurisdiction to judge their motives – the reasons behind their behaviors -- no matter how you feel. You cannot decide what is in another’s heart, and you must let go of planting that flag.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, and to reinterpret their behaviors, actually comes from a place of strength in you. It is an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, make the choice to value your relationship. Resist the temptation to be close-minded. Be open to hearing and accepting what they’re telling you. 

You may be saving more than you know.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about reinterpretation in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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Exploring Common Ground

I can hardly believe it’s August! Many schools are already into the new school year, and my county is starting back in one week! Where did the summer go?

Whether you have school-age children or not, the start of a school year still signals that summer playtime is over, and our world shifts to more structure and juggling more balls in the air.

Change is a major predictor of conflict. It can profoundly upset the carefully balanced mobile of your life, making you and the people around you susceptible to hot tempered flare-ups that can throw you off-kilter.

Happily, there is a quick way to find your footing when a skirmish ensues.

In evaluating conflicts, many mediation professionals begin their process by first identifying existing areas of agreement. They acknowledge there are issues, but they want to know what perspectives are shared, and where the point of disagreement first emerged.

You can do this too. Before jumping into a scuffle, take a few minutes to explore the possibilities of your common ground. Ask some questions first, such as

What do you want here that matters most to you?

            What are you seeing as an obstacle to that?

Internally check your response to see if you’re already on board with what they’re trying to achieve. 

Then ask yourself similar questions.

You might discover that you and others share goals and desires, but have different expectations of how to obtain them. Even if that’s not the case, this action will help you clarify the true issues, and give you a more effective starting point for your conversation.

It does require discipline to resist the temptation of immediately engaging in the conflict itself, but clearing away some misunderstanding right from the start will definitely make your efforts worthwhile.  

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to explore common ground in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Christmas In July

It seemed like everywhere I turned this past month, someone was doing a “Christmas in July” event. Hallmark, QVC, and other retailers were tugging on our Christmas heartstrings and offering great deals for early Christmas shopping.

It's made me think about Holiday conflicts, and what a good idea it is to get an early jump on handling them before they’re upon you. By that time, you’re so inundated with holiday activities, your goal is to just "get through” any tough situations and put off dealing with them until next year. Preparing for the conflicts in advance is smart, but typically, the motivation to do this is low.

Psychologists tell us one of the biggest obstacles to our taking action on something that needs attention is the lack of a sense of urgency. Feeling the reality of a situation is what actually motivates us to make changes; the further our brain is removed from that reality, the more complacent we feel. If it seems there is no bigger pain on the horizon, it’s easy to stay stuck in the status quo.

This is certainly true of relational conflicts. We simply don’t want to do anything about them unless they are happening in the present moment.

In his book Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud suggests it is up to us to create that sense of urgency for ourselves. “You have to make your mind and heart feel the reality today that is surely coming tomorrow,” he writes.

You must think of the realities of the situation, and feel what it will be like to keep dealing with those same issues year after year (and at every Holiday season).

This week, do a little “Christmas in July” thinking. Help yourself feel the painful ways you’re relationships are not working for you. Allow your brain to envision what it would be like for circumstances to be better – and the relief it would bring. Take the action to learn something now that will make your holiday relations more peaceful.

Create that sense of urgency for yourself so you can be proactive, and get ready to be in charge when the 2017 Holidays arrive!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to prepare for holiday conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

The Other Side of the Story

Years ago I had a difficult conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I still feel the loss even now. The issue that originated our disagreement wasn’t what we couldn’t resolve, but the heart motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my intentions and perspectives, but nothing I said could convince her to change her negative beliefs. She was immovable. We had been friends for several years by then, and I felt such disappointment in her refusal to accept my side of the story.

I often think of that experience when I’m at odds with someone and I don’t want to accept that what I’m believing about them is inaccurate. In those moments, it’s a struggle to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens, what we need to remember is we don’t have to deny what we’ve experienced, or invalidate the emotions resulting from their actions.

It’s our beliefs about their motives – the reasons behind their behavior -- that we have no jurisdiction to judge. As sure as we may feel about it, we cannot truly know what is in another’s heart. We must let go of planting that flag.

We can address the effects their actions have had on us though, and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of that outcome.

Sitting across from my friend, hearing how entrenched she was in her viewpoint, I felt helpless as I realized we could not be friends anymore.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, to accept what they’re saying, and to genuinely try to reinterpret the situation comes from a place of strength in you. It is actually an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this place, make the choice to value your relationship. Be open to hearing what the other person is telling you, and consider that it just might be true. 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle your beliefs in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Expectations

Recently I was introduced to the idea that relationships mean expectations, and expectations mean conflict.

I started noticing that my tense relational situations were, indeed, rooted in unmet expectations.

During a brief skirmish with a family member, I realized it was because she was expecting me to do a certain task, but I was expecting her to do it. We were both frustrated.

Throughout the week, whenever I clashed with someone, I was aware it was because I was not meeting their expectations or vice versa.

This is actually a very good principle to understand in dealing with conflict.

When expectations clash, we don’t always recognize that’s what’s happening right away. Frequently we think the other person is being stubborn or uncaring, which then creates resentment in us, and the conversation starts to go down the wrong path.

For example, differing expectations about how to spend money could lead to one of you seeing the other person as stingy, and one of you seeing the other person as irresponsible. Instead of exploring your expectations and the desires stemming from them, you end up attacking one another about those character traits.

If you can keep this principle in mind – that contrasting expectations are probably fueling the conflict – you’ll be able to get to the heart of what’s truly happening rather quickly.

Granted, it is difficult to adjust your expectations. Yet, in a relationship, that is exactly what’s required. Using your communication to understand the dynamics that expectations introduce, and working together to adjust and/or meet them will definitely move you toward the outcomes you desire.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle expectations in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download