Conflict and Listening (Go for the Gold)

As long as there is human interaction, people will be writing, talking, and teaching about listening!

When it comes to conflict, listening isn't just a good idea for communication's sake; it can actually turn the tide of a difficult conversation -- and so can failing to listen.

Here's why:

1.   When you don't listen, your potential for understanding diminishes greatly -- and understanding is crucial for working through a conflict.

We've all been there when we've had a whole conversation about something, only to discover we'd misunderstood what was originally said, and realize we'd been completely off track.

When you have no understanding about the conflict circumstances, you become thoroughly ineffective, and may not even be dealing with the true matter at hand.

2.   When you don't listen, you block your ability to learn about the situation, and about the others involved.

Communication is always happening. Even when a person is speaking emotionally, you can still learn a lot -- what is really bother them, what is most important to them about what's going on, etc.

When you continue to listen, you continue to collect essential information, which is key to handling the conflict well.

3.   When you stop listening, you stop being open, and this will escalate the conflict.

The decision to stop listening is the decision to close your mind (and your heart) to the other person. You cut yourself off from possibilities, from empathy, from finding a peaceful solution.

There's nothing the conflict can do but intensify.

So when you sense friction beginning, and tension starting to mount, tell yourself, "Ok, I've really got to hang in there and listen now."

Then, practice the listening discipline that will bring you those golden nuggets of understanding, learning, and openness.

DrK

If you'd like some help developing your listening sills, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download


 

Confict and Confidence (Laying Down Your Stones)

Many people think that having confidence in a conflict means you are convinced of your power over the other person, or at least, of your ability to stubbornly outlast others in holding your position.

However, that's not quite true. It's actually a false sense of confidence, and is only circumstantial. It ebbs and flows depending on who that other person is.

True confidence is present in you in every difficult conflict situation. It is the confidence which comes from a place of inward security -- being secure in the belief that you have choices in the situation, that your desires and goals are of equal validity, and that you have jurisdiction over your own life.

Psychological research has shown that when your sense of empowerment comes from this internal locale, you are more able to maneuver when conflict curve balls come your way -- or to recover when one has it you! The focus of developing internal strength equips you to let go of measuring your power by your aggressive abilities (or stones in your bag) and act from a position of authentic stability.

Not only that, but when you are strong within yourself, you are liberated to further engage in the conversation, listen to the other person, and think through solutions more peacefully.

So when you discover an area of weakness in your conflict interactions, instead of looking for another stone you can throw, explore the weakness internally and build it up with true confidence.

DrK

If you'd like some help figuring out how to develop true confidence, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Advice (Thanks, But No Thanks)

Most of us have people in our lives who like to give us advice -- family members, co-workers, particular friends -- and some do it much more than we'd like them to.

When they repeatedly offer this advice, you want to respond, but you can tell if you do, it will be more sarcastic than kind, and may even result in come conflict.

It happens so frequently though, it's beginning to bother you, and now you want to figure it out.

The remedy you're seeking is planned responses (now, don't roll your eyes).

Here's how you can practice handling the situation and get good at it.

Because it is recurring, you are already familiar with the patterns of their communication. You know when they are genuinely trying to help and when they just want to sound smarter than you. So take a few peaceful minutes and design some responses.

A few examples:

When you already know what they're telling you, but they just want to be helpful:

• "I'm glad you said that, I've found that to be true too, so that just confirms it for me."

When what they say doesn't really fit what you need:

•  "Thanks, I've been trying to figure out what actually works for me, but I'll keep that in mind."

When you don't want their advice:

• "Thanks, but I think I've got this."

(You get the picture.)

It may be that in the end you'll just have to patiently forgive and love them as the people in your life, but in the meantime, give planned responses a try -- it will definitely help.

DrK

If you'd like some help figuring out a recurring situation in your life, contact me at 
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Failure (Not In My Vocabulary)

Recently I've been doing some volunteer coaching at an Orlando career advancement program and the coaches and participants have been required to take a personality test. One of the multiple choice questions was, "Failure is . . ." followed by a couple of definitions.

My reaction when I saw the question was that neither one of the definitions worked for me. In fact, the more I thought about it, I realized I had no definition for "failure," the word wasn't even in my vocabulary! To me, the word failure communicates a sense of finality that I'm just not willing to accept.

Yes, I realize we do things that don't measure up, we institute ideas that don't work, we enter relationships and discover we can't sustain them.

In my mind though, those situations don't mean failure. To me, it usually indicates I wasn't sufficiently equipped for the task, or my expectations weren't realistic, or I didn't understand my limitations.

My response is to see it as simply life unfolding, to learn from it, and to try again-- only this time, another way.

This perspective is valuable when it comes to having tough conversations that create conflict. It's easy to feel that sense of failure when it doesn't go well, when we walk away feeling like we didn't achieve what we wanted. We forget human interactions are complex, and it takes time to find ways to be successful in them.

When those conversations go awry though, it's not failure, it's feedback; it's guidance. The situation told you what worked, what didn't, and what you need to develop next.

So try this thinking on for size. When failure starts to creep into your emotions, remember that whatever the situation is, it's not over yet . . . and practice, practice, practice!

DrK

If you'd like some help with removing 'failure' from your vocabulary too, contact me at confidentconflict.com  and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"

Conflict and Limits (In Your Own Eyes)

Leadership expert, John Maxwell, has said, "To be successful in any endeavor, we need to get out of our own way."

This is certainly true when it comes to the goal of improving how we handle conflict. We can be our own biggest obstacle to taking the action we desire. The key is in how we see ourselves.

If, in your own eyes, you are small and powerless, lacking the ability to overcome a conflict situation, you will not be successful in making changes.

Behavioral scientists call these perspectives limiting beliefs. They are the thoughts we have that confine us, that keep us from taking the steps to move forward -- in other words, self-imposed prisons.

Conflict is something that can cause you to feel weak and confused, so you begin to see yourself in a state of diminished capacity. I'm sure you can recall a time when this has happened to you.

It is critical to move past this restrictive mentality and see the competence that already lies within you to master your situation. Reconnecting with the strengths and internal resources you already have will enable you to create a new vision of what you want.

When you become stronger in your own eyes -- when you see yourself as truly being capable of learning new skills and actually having influence on your environment -- it will make all the difference.

DrK
If you'd like some help identifying your own limiting beliefs, contact me at confidentconflict.com  and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"

Conflict and Flexibility (Taking the Detour)

Wednesday's post was about running into information in a conversation that tells you the road you're on to get what you want has been blocked.

The second half of the story is about what frequently accompanies those road blocks: detour signs!
Signs we encounter that say, "Hey don't worry, there is another way to get to your destination."

Detours are also something to remember when you run into those road blocks in your conversations and your expectations are thwarted. You can probably still achieve your goal, but it's likely it will happen differently than you thought.

Loosening  your grip on your expectations doesn't mean you have to completely let go of your wishes. Simply recognize the legitimacy of the other person's desire and respond to the call to be resourceful in figuring out how to work together. Allow yourself to be open to the creativity that is possible.

You can figure it out. Maybe you'll need to take a break and rethink things with the new information you've learned (and you can always just say that), but you do have choices, and you have the ability to envision what will be needed.

Remember there's always a detour -- you just have to discover it (which is not necessarily all bad!).

DrK
confidentconflict.com
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"

Conflict and Expectations (Road Blocks)

There's a lot of road construction going on in Orlando right now, especially on the main arteries like the Interstate and toll roads.

 There are lane closures, blocked exits, and lots of signs like this.

As you would imagine, these things thwart us drivers from our routine routes. It's not quite as bad when we already know about the closures, but when we encounter unexpected road blocks, frustration mounts.

This is often what is happening at the very beginning of an interpersonal conflict too. You are moving along a path you believe will get you to something you want, but then another person in your life (boss, spouse, retail merchant) does something that blocks your plans.

Maybe they say that's not how they want to get a project done, or they can't help you until the next day, (or no, you can't return that merchandise, there are rules!), and you suddenly feel very frustrated from what seems to be a lack of cooperation on their part.

Then what usually happens?  Both people start pushing harder to try to get where they're going -- and that leads to conflict.

The frustration comes largely from having the expectation that things will go the way you'd pictured them, but other people behave from their own desires and expectations.

Instead of pushing harder, take a step back and make a positive change in the energy.

When you run into those road block moments with someone, and frustration starts to rise,

• Realize you have simply hit a reminder that you aren't all alone in the world and you don't live in a vacuum (you have temporarily forgotten this!)
• Enlarge your perspective (zoom out), loosen your grip on your expectation of doing something "your way." Make room for the other person's wishes and needs as you view the situation.

After all, they are simply living their lives too  -- and are most likely beginning to see you as their road block! 

DrK

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