Conflict and Empathy (You Can Make An Impact)

When you find yourself in the middle of a conflict, you usually experience all sorts of debilitating states. You get confused, lose your train of thought, or feel overpowered. You become self-protective, and believe the other person doesn’t care about you or how you feel.

It is valuable to realize that if you are experiencing these dynamics, the other person is too. No matter what their non-verbal signals may tell you, they are experiencing the same confusion, weakness, and self-protective state that you are.

If you remember this, and try to help them out, you can do a lot to change the energy of the situation all by yourself. When you slow down your speech, or soften your voice, they don’t feel the need to self-protect so acutely. When you alter your words and tone from attacking to caring, it helps them (and you) feel connected again. 

A little goes a long way; just a small shift in your behavior can have a positive impact. Remember that they are having trouble too, and take steps to interject a little stability. By considering your shared difficulties, you can make a positive impact.

Take this dynamic into account the next time you’re talking to someone and they are getting upset. Understand that you share feelings in the encounter, and think about what you can do physically to be gentler in your approach.

When you are in that situation, be mindful of what you are experiencing and follow-through with actions that demonstrate your awareness that both of you are in the same boat. 

You will see results.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to develop empathy in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Time Out

 No posts this week -- between the holiday weekend and lots of prep for my booth at the special women's event nearby tomorrow, my hours seem to have disappeared.

But I'll be back next week. All the fun conversations and conflict discussions I'll be having this weekend should mean I'll have some good material too!

DrK

Conflict and Catastrophe (So What?)

When I began meeting with my doctoral committee about my dissertation topic, it was a challenging process. The standard for dissertations is high. You have to write about a subject that matters to academic readers.    

The conversation would go something like this: I would present the topic and my professor would say, “Why should I care about that?” I would give my answer, and then the prof would say, “So what?”

This would continue in some fashion until we had dissected the topic enough to get down to the essence of what was important about it. The rationale behind this scrutiny was to challenge my perspectives to the point where I could see the substance of what was truly important.

In conflict, it’s natural to go to a place of thinking that everything is critical – or catastrophic. Emotions are high and so many issues are involved. When you keep asking those questions though (Why should I care? So what? So . . ?), you can whittle things down to discover what truly concerns you.

 

In the grand scheme of things, there’ really isn’t much worth fighting about in your relationships, and your energies should be reserved for what is. Given a chance, you can probably figure out what is significant to you about a current dispute and discuss that more calmly.

When you’re involved in a relational conflict, take some time to reflect. Identify the catastrophic thinking that may be happening. Filter out the irrelevant parts, and get to the heart of the matter.  

You’ll find that when you do, the whole situation will become much more manageable!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to tackle your catastrophic thinking, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Loss (Treasure in Your Midst)

Awhile back, I opened a fortune cookie from my Chinese take-out and the small piece of paper inside said, “Treasure what you have.”

What got me thinking was the word “treasure.” It wasn’t “remember” what you have, or “think about” what you have. The word used was “treasure” -- cherish, hold dear, prize. It spoke to me of more than simply listing what I might possess. 

 

Treasuring comes from a deeper place within us. We almost have to stop whatever it is we’re doing to treasure something, or someone, to actually think about the precious value that might be there.

Conflict is an experience that interferes with treasuring what we have. We so often walk away from it acutely feeling what we’ve lost -- confidence, respect, joy.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe we still have something to treasure.

I can assure you though --  you do. 

Even if it is only measured in moments . . .

A moment when you told the truth instead of lying

A moment when you resisted hurting the other person

A moment when you felt friendship.

When you focus on what you don’t have (or what didn’t happen), it weakens you. In that mindset, you’re operating from a deficit. When you recognize what you do have, you get stronger, and when you stop to value those things, that connection can strengthen you even more.

In the days to come, realize what you did hold on to in the midst of a difficult conflict – what you still have – and believe you do have something to treasure.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to discover your treasure in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Fire (Keep Your Light Burning)

Well, the Olympics are over (sigh) and what a grand couple of weeks we’ve had watching the real-life drama play out before our eyes. We witnessed so many stories of triumph and tragedy, hope and disappointment.

It was bittersweet for me to watch the big moment last night when the Olympic flame was extinguished.

The flame was a reminder to me that something bigger than our individual lives was taking place, and seeing it burning brightly evoked inspiration and energy. Watching the torch grow dark was a sad goodbye.

As I gazed at my tv, I couldn’t help but think of how often there are situations in our lives when we feel our own light go dark, when our love, warmth and passion are extinguished.   

Certainly relational conflict can be one of those times. All too often, the actions of the person with whom you are in conflict can result in your feeling diminished.  

Others may communicate that your desires are subordinate to what they want. Perhaps you find yourself losing self-control and becoming someone you don’t want to be. Maybe you are the one who uses the strategy of invalidating others in order to manipulate them.

Keeping your flame burning in your relational interactions is critical to both your success in resolution and your ability to walk away from a difficult situation with no regrets. 

It doesn't take much to do this:

Be convinced your thoughts, desires and goals are of equal importance with the others in the conflict, and keep them “on the table."

Continue to interact with behaviors that are authentically you; learn ways to stay in control.

Make the effort to help others keep their lamp lit as you work out solutions (this will fan your own flame).

Although we had to say goodbye to the Rio Olympic flame, don’t say goodbye to the flame of all that is good in you -- even in conflict.

Keep your fire ignited and burn, baby, burn!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about keeping your light burning in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
PS. I have no idea where all the code below came from! Technology, arrghhhh!

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Conflict and Strategies (Do You Have A Game Plan?)

One of the many things I’ve enjoyed about watching the Olympics as been the interviews with the athletes. I like hearing what their thoughts were as they performed their sport. The swimmers – in both individual and relay events – were very methodical as they approached their races, and had a strategy for how they wanted to swim. The rowers, too, had very intentional plans for executing their races.

  

Knowing that they want to succeed when they in engage in their sport, the athletes don’t leave the situation to chance. They make plans for how they’ll swim, or row, how they’ll pace themselves, when to shift gears and sprint.

I know in rowing, you don’t show up without a race plan.

When it comes to relational conflict, one doesn’t typically think of having strategies, or approaching it in a certain way (that seems to be reserved for negotiations). In dealing with difficulties that come from day to day interactions, the tendency is  to react and just barrel through them.

But why wouldn’t you have strategies for conflict too? Why wouldn’t you give it some thought and be ready with a strategic plan? Aren’t the goals of success and worthwhile engagement the same in a good relationship?

Simply paying attention to your own patterns of relating or how someone else reacts to your behaviors can give you enough information to think of a strategy for dealing with the difficulties.

Put yourself in a position to be effective and do well in conflict – have a plan for taking on those dynamics. Who knows? You might even medal in relationships!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about strategies in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download