Conflict and the Do-Over (The Repêchage)

How exciting to be watching the Olympics these days!

Seeing the cauldron lit by the Olympic torch Friday night was certainly a thrill. The Olympics are such a marvelous way to watch the World come together in harmony and sportsmanship.

In honor of The Games, my next several posts will be about conflict lessons or connections that can come from sports -- especially rowing :)

Today’s post is about the repêchage. This French word can be translated as “second chance” or “rescue.” In rowing (and a few other sports), the repechage is the event where those who have lost in a qualifying heat, get to try again to go through to the finals. They get a second chance at their goal.

When it comes to conflict, we don’t usually think in terms of a “do-over.” We have our conversation that may become heated, things are said (or not said), and however it ends up is often where we leave it. Sometimes, after it’s all over,  we realize there are things we wish we had done differently. It doesn’t always occur to us to have a second conversation to address those regrets. 

Today, I want you to think about the repêchage. Believe that tough conversations can be revisited. Create another opportunity to hit the mark you may feel you missed.

It is the repêchage that brings possibilities to the hopeful Olympic rowers. If they lose their heat, they don’t have to come off the water in despair; they know there is one more chance waiting for them.

Give yourself the second chance in conflict  . . . and be open to giving others another chance too!

DrK
 

If you'd like to know more about second chances in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Clarity (Having New Eyes)

Often when I have an opening conversation with a new client, she is  all over the map while talking about the conflict that’s bothering her. As she’s speaking, I hear many emotions and many issues that are on her mind. It all comes tumbling out in a stream of consciousness as she jumps from one topic to another. 

Part of our initial work is to sort through everything and help her get more organized in her thinking so she has a greater understanding of the conflict, and can envision the outcome she truly wants.

Relational conflicts can push many buttons. You may be aware of the familiar ones, but new ones can be in the mix as well. Sometimes smaller matters are related to one another and are actually a part of a bigger issue. Sometimes the entire conflict is actually only about one main on-going problem.

It's necessary to take this organizational step to reduce confusion and identify what is important to you in the conflict. It is essential to have an accurate road map for where you want to go with the situation, and to know what resolution looks like to you. 

Equipped with this understanding, you will also be clear about subsequent actions you want to take. 

Clarity can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but taking the time to develop this insight in peaceful moments will have a significant impact or your ability to articulate your goals and desires when tackling any follow-up conversations in the future.

DrK

 
If you'd like to know more about clarity in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Movement (Keep A-Goin')

"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me? " 

  ~Ayn Rand

Recently I re-read this quote and was reminded that often the answer to the "who is going to stop me?" part can very likely be, "me."

You may not be a person who cares if someone will let you do something, or who is daunted by obstacles that prevent you from moving forward.

But you may still experience the very real struggle of simply trying not to stop -- in other words, to keep going.

Many years ago, Frank Stanton wrote a poem entitled "Keep A-Goin." He was a Georgia boy and had his own way of urging his reader to sing when you feel like sighing, and keep going.

The truth is, the surest way to sabotage obtaining what you hope for is to stop --  to abandon your desires, stop moving forward, or stop taking action. The good news is that it’s also true the decision whether or not to stop is completely up to you. 

So today, on this first day of a brand new month, I'm joining the internet ranks and saying (not only to you, but to myself ) . . .

Don't Stop

Don't stop trying to be the person you know you want to be.

Don't stop being the mother you want to be, or the spouse, or brother, or friend.

Don't stop working for the family you want to have, or the business, or the ministry.

Above all, don't stop pursuing that path of peaceful relationships that is calling to your heart!

Remember, 100% of the decision to continue is yours -- yours alone -- and whatever efforts you make will bear fruit in due season if you'll just keep a'-goin'.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to keep going in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Love (First Do No Harm)

Let’s face it, when it comes to being loving in conflict, it’s quite a challenge.

So many dynamics are at play, and the self-protective instincts that kick-in are strong. The thought of trying to feel love for the other person is far away from our minds.

We can’t just leave it at that though, especially because often our relational conflicts are with the people that we love. 

We can take heart, because there is a part of loving that we can make choices about in conflict – the decision to do no harm to the other person.

Yes, we might feel angry, disappointed, frustrated and impatient, but it is possible to feel those things without using harmful words or harmful actions. We can stay in control of ourselves . While we may not be feeling love, we can certainly make the quality decision that we will not mistreat, abuse, or wound the people in our lives.

While this may seem like a daunting task, remembering three things will help:

1.  Remember you’re talking to someone you know and love, and that you’ve decided not to harm them in difficult conversations.

2.  Remember the other person is someone who is also experiencing the instability of the conflict. If you can remain somewhat stable, you will also be helping them stabilize too. 

3.  Remember you have choices. If you feel emotionally threatened, you do not have to harm the other person, you only have to stand firm in the choices you want to make.

If you let the firm decision to first do no harm guide your actions, you will be able to channel your power toward what you truly want to accomplish.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to first do no harm in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Freedom (Breaking the Chains)

Have you ever noticed this when you’re in a relational conflict:

As you keep reacting to the situation you feel less and less in charge of yourself and what you want to say?

As this happens, you experience a loss of freedom to engage how you want.

Most of us are aware of feelings of confusion, disorganization, and tension in conflict. We don’t always realize we are loosing liberty as well.

Recently, I attended a meeting with two other people; it was a volatile situation and emotions ran high. I keep reacting to what was said as we went along, and by the time it was over, I’d said things I didn’t want to say, and agreed to do things I didn’t want to do.

When I left that encounter, not only did I feel drained, but I felt completely bound and entangled. As I drove away in my car alone, feeling free to be me, all that I’d wanted to communicate came tumbling out aloud (with great emotion!)

When I calmed down, I knew the step I’d missed was not getting perfectly clear on my own goals for that meeting, and on what I wanted to communicate for myself before I got there.

If all you do is react when you’re in that kind of situation, you are in a defenseless position and the chains will eventually come. You will not have the freedom to be you in the situation, nor will you have the freedom to hear and accept others.

Take the time to know yourself in conflict situations. Know what you need to do to give yourself  solid ground from which to respond.

It can make all the difference in feeling free when you walk away.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to have freedom in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Disappointment (Perfection or Mastery?)

I've been a rower now for 13 years. One of my most significant rowing discoveries is that you never quite reach perfection with your stroke. (It's similar to life-long golfers -- they never stop working on their stroke either!)

This is because all of the other variables that surround you when you row are beyond your control. Things like the weather, the state of the water, or someone in your crew having an off-day, can affect your stroke at any given time.

So you practice in different situations and develop your ability to maneuver in many conditions. It is a state of continual learning.

Inexperienced rowers get discouraged about this when perfection is their goal. They expect to learn the techniques and then be finished with instruction. They don't understand how unrealistic this is. When they finally see that their target is not the perfect stroke but their own personal mastery as an oarsman, they become much more motivated.

This is how it is in dealing with conflict too. When you learn some conflict skills, but still have to execute them by trial and error, it can be discouraging. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's because of those variables in the conflict that you cannot personally control (like that other person!).

What you can control though is you, and you can absolutely become more skillful at handling conflicts and can develop mastery over many of the situations you face.

Letting go of the expectation that you will conquer the conflict issues that plague you once and for all, and allowing yourself to focus on increasing your command of impacting the world around you, will not only keep you motivated, it means you will definitely reach your goals!

DrK

If you'd like to talk about conflict mastery, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Conflict and Light (Watch Where You Step)

One summer when I was in college, I made a dear friend who was from Texas. He played football for his Texas college team and had a Texas-size heart. He seemed to make everything fun.

One evening we were walking to meet some friends and decided to take a short-cut through a forest. There was a lot of moonlight that night, but as we moved through the thick of the trees, he took my hand to guide me and said, "Only step where the light is -- you don't know what the dark places on the ground are."

In that moment, I didn't realize the life wisdom he was imparting to me. His instruction to step with care, and only move forward with the sure-footedness that came with clearly seeing the illuminated places ahead, has often been my inward counsel in navigating my way through what seem to be the forests of my life.

When it comes to conflict, the opposite mistake of continuing to tolerate on-going friction is to bulldoze your way through it without any thought, leaving a path of destruction in your wake.

While it is very tempting to simply overpower others in order to bring things to a close, the truth is, you are probably making the situation worse, and causing more pain.  

In those instances, you really do have to follow my friend's advice and not take a step until you check out the situation and know where you're headed. You need to investigate, consider your priorities, and have a clear plan for resolving things well.

Yes, it can feel frustrating to wait and move slowly down a conflicted road, but trust me, the light will come, and along with it will be the clarity and confidence you need to handle the situation masterfully.

DrK

If you'd like some help finding the light you need for your next step, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download