Conflict and Disappointment (Perfection or Mastery?)

I've been a rower now for 13 years. One of my most significant rowing discoveries is that you never quite reach perfection with your stroke. (It's similar to life-long golfers -- they never stop working on their stroke either!)

This is because all of the other variables that surround you when you row are beyond your control. Things like the weather, the state of the water, or someone in your crew having an off-day, can affect your stroke at any given time.

So you practice in different situations and develop your ability to maneuver in many conditions. It is a state of continual learning.

Inexperienced rowers get discouraged about this when perfection is their goal. They expect to learn the techniques and then be finished with instruction. They don't understand how unrealistic this is. When they finally see that their target is not the perfect stroke but their own personal mastery as an oarsman, they become much more motivated.

This is how it is in dealing with conflict too. When you learn some conflict skills, but still have to execute them by trial and error, it can be discouraging. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's because of those variables in the conflict that you cannot personally control (like that other person!).

What you can control though is you, and you can absolutely become more skillful at handling conflicts and can develop mastery over many of the situations you face.

Letting go of the expectation that you will conquer the conflict issues that plague you once and for all, and allowing yourself to focus on increasing your command of impacting the world around you, will not only keep you motivated, it means you will definitely reach your goals!

DrK

If you'd like to talk about conflict mastery, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
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Conflict and Transformation (Do I Really Have To Change?)

Change is something that is always linked with conflict.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, one way these two things are related is in how conflict invariably results from a change in circumstances.

There is also another kind of change that is coupled with conflict, the change that happens to us personally as a result of experiencing the event.

We are all changed by conflict -- we can't escape it. It brings us the opportunity to either grow and become better people, or to become further entrenched in our destructive behaviors.

In studying conflict, I have learned that personal transformation is actually one of the most effective means of becoming more skillful at handling relational difficulties. When you change the way you participate, you change the conversation.

Improving your own perspectives and having personal strategies to put into action insure you are in a position to do conflict well. You become more adept by changing yourself instead of only knowing behavioral formulas. You are able to maneuver in all kinds of situations.

Most people don't really want to hear that the best thing they can do to be better at conflict is to change themselves. This is understandable, transformation work is definitely more challenging than following a list.

But if you truly would like to become a Jedi in handling your conflict moments, opening your heart and mind to new perspectives and new skills -- being a different you -- will bring changes that will last. Changes that will move you toward mastery.

DrK

Under Construction (Me, You, and this Blog)

I am a conflict coach. (What's that?" you ask)
Simply put, I help you do conflict better.

Despite the fact that there is a whole profession of conflict resolution people out there, the majority of folks I talk to don't even know there is such a thing as someone who can support you in dealing with conflict.

Frequently, it's organizations that seek out conflict resolution professionals when a conflict has gotten so bad they are ready for outside help, but most of us don't think at all about getting help with mastering the conflicts in our day-to-day lives.

I was pretty much the same way before I got my PhD in this area. When I began to study conflict, I discovered that interpersonal conflict didn't always have to feel like white water rapids sweeping you away (much of it is predictable, who knew?). You can learn skills to actually give you some influence about how it goes. You just have to be willing to grow and change.

This is a new blog today. As the title states, it's under construction. I'm still trying to figure out the mechanics of setting it up, and how to fix all my mistakes (which I'm sure will be quite obvious to you). Yet, I still wanted to go ahead and start posting. After all, isn't that how we do much of life? Figuring it out as we go, learning how to fix our mistakes, but still wanting to jump in and engage.

I'm looking forward to opening the world of conflict mastery to you here, and sharing both my personal perspectives (read more at About This Blog) and that of my colleagues'. I trust you will discover new things about yourself and your relationships, and find new abilities to positively influence the conflicts in your life.

If you'd like to learn more about this, visit www.confidentconflict.com and contact me today!