Curing Defensiveness

The other day I was trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the keys down.

(I’m sure you’ve experienced this before too.)

It reminded me of what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself instead of resolving the issue at hand.

When we’re in this moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept where they’re taking you.

You can easily deflect whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to discuss this problem.”

Of course, the pull to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you could cause further damage.

When you feel the urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay focused, and keep going toward what you need.

Cheers to you – resisting defensiveness and hitting your mark!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  




  

Conflict and Effort (Consider Your Choice)

Much of the time, when we find ourselves in a relational conflict, we want to find the easy way out.

Does that sound familiar?

Maybe when it’s you, it’s not very appealing to spend that kind of time or energy on resolving the issues. Making an effort to work things out might feel like too much work.

What you need to realize though  is that conflict itself takes effort, and that you are spending time and energy by not resolving the issues.

 

It takes effort to stay angry with someone, or to stubbornly hold on to your position against their resistance. You are spending time and energy being upset about the situation and rehearsing every anticipated conversation about it (maybe even losing sleep from time to time).

So its not really a question of making an effort, but of making the kind of effort that will bring good results.

Of course, that kind of effort requires more of you, doesn’t it? It holds more risk, less safety. You could reach out to the other person and they could possibly hurt you in return.

But think how it would be if your efforts bore fruit – if you found a way to repair something broken, to make peace in the relationship after all? What relief might that bring?

The next time things get rocky and you don’t feel like making the effort to smooth them out, consider the choice you have in how you want to use your energies. Be open to pushing forward, and make that effort toward something good.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about making an effort in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

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