Curing Defensiveness

The other day I was trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the keys down.

(I’m sure you’ve experienced this before too.)

It reminded me of what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself instead of resolving the issue at hand.

When we’re in this moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept where they’re taking you.

You can easily deflect whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to discuss this problem.”

Of course, the pull to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you could cause further damage.

When you feel the urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay focused, and keep going toward what you need.

Cheers to you – resisting defensiveness and hitting your mark!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  




  

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?) Part 4

Myth #4  Acknowledging that my actions have hurt the other person is agreeing with them about my motives.

Believing this myth will lock you into a defensive posture in conflict every time.

When a person is trying to tell us how our actions have hurt or offended them, we start self-justifying and make the conversation all about why that's not true. We stop listening to them, and our energies become focused on explaining ourselves.

We do this, in part, because we think if we concede we've hurt them, it means we have to agree to the rest of what they're saying about us.

The truth is, acknowledging they are hurt or offended does not mean you are automatically agreeing to the motives or intentions they are ascribing to you. Nor does it mean you are responsible for fixing how they feel. It is simply allowing their experience to become part of the conversation. 

You can rule in this by still communicating how you experienced the event and addressing your own motives and objectives, while continuing to understand that others feel the way they do, regardless of your intentions for the outcome of your behaviors. 

It's like this -- your actions are your actions, and nobody else's. If your behaviors hurt someone, you need to be secure enough to own that and recognize what has happened with the other person. Chances are you did impact them somehow if they are saying you did.

Go ahead and attend to their feelings. It is not a broad admission of guilt. it is simply being aware of another human being's plight, and honestly accepting the role you've played in it.

You'll be surprised how showing this consideration can shift the conversation in a more positive direction.

DrK

If you'd like to learn more about how to practically acknowledge another person's feelings, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- and sign-up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule