Curing Defensiveness

The other day I was trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the keys down.

(I’m sure you’ve experienced this before too.)

It reminded me of what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself instead of resolving the issue at hand.

When we’re in this moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept where they’re taking you.

You can easily deflect whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to discuss this problem.”

Of course, the pull to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you could cause further damage.

When you feel the urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay focused, and keep going toward what you need.

Cheers to you – resisting defensiveness and hitting your mark!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  




  

Acquainted With Grief

I’ve noticed lately what the women I serve seem to value the most from me isn’t my communication expertise, or the practical skills I offer for dealing with their conflicts, but the fact that I’m acquainted with the grief they’re experiencing.

I know how it feels to finally get up the courage to address something problematic with someone you care about and discover they’re completely indifferent to what you’ve said.

I know how unnerving it is to sincerely express what you need in a relationship and have the conversation blow up in your face because the other person decides the best defense is a good offense.

I know the despondency that comes from trying to have a conversation with someone who’s hurt you about how you’d like to remedy the situation, only to walk away realizing they totally disregarded your topic and you were the one who ended up apologizing to them!

I’m familiar with the losses in those moments regardless of your loving intentions – loss of confidence, power, clarity, and faith.

I‘m also acquainted with what it takes to hold on to yourself in those affairs of life – to push yourself to try again, to valiantly recover your faith that you can  do something different, to refuse to abandon what matters to you even in the face of the adversity that may come.

 As long as we live on this planet with other human beings, these conversations will continue; but despite this fact, I know there is great hope that their outcomes can be changed.

In case you’ve forgotten, remind yourself today of who you want to be in this world, and don’t give up on becoming her.

Because what I know for sure (as Oprah says), when you’re ready, you will change the story.

Roaring, thunderous cheers to you – Being Brave!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to change those tough conversations, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

You're In Charge

You won’t change the story of your relationships until you reclaim 

your authority to write it.

Many times we realize we want something to be different in our relationships – we want to make a change – but somehow this thought never gets translated into action.

Not understanding the personal authority we possess is one of the central barriers to confidently undertaking this effort.

When I use the term, personal authority, I’m defining it as total dominion over yourself to:

Dictate your own choices

Say “no” when that’s what you want to say, and to say “yes”

Regulate what you’re not willing to accept in your relationships – and what you are

Determine the culture of your sphere of influence

Take a minute to think about this today. Do you recognize yourself in these statements? Which ones? Which ones have you forgotten you own?

Let 2019 be the year you take hold of this truth – especially in the areas where you have abdicated your rule. 

When you’re facing tough situations with the people in your life, remember the authority that already belongs to you. Not with the intention to overpower them, but so you can have assurance for the jurisdiction of your actions.

This will enable you to function from a place of confidence and security. Best of all, it will open your heart to compassion and love.

Cheers to you – understanding your authorship!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to access your personal authority, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

2019 Peace On Earth

Working in the conflict resolution field, I’m always delighted during this time of the year because the theme of peace is so present  -- in greeting cards sent, songs sung, sermons preached and good wishes expressed. Even if it’s only for a season, I love the that the world embraces this thinking.

When we hear the phrase, “peace on earth” though, we typically think of peace as simply the absence of fighting, or maybe a fragile truce that can be jeopardized at any moment.

But peace is more than that. It’s stronger. It’s another word for wholeness -- within yourself and in your relationships. It means that harmony exists within you and with the people around you.

Peace within you means you are at rest, secure, confident in your efforts to love others well. Peace in your relationships means connection, freedom from damage, and thriving love.

“Peace on earth” can sometimes feel more like a lofty concept, something far away from our everyday life.

The joyful message of Christmas is that Peace has come near. True, substantive Peace is not something far away; it is within our grasp!

Today as you pass through this 2018 Season of Peace and move forward into the New Year tonight, consider the hopeful possibilities of what “peace on earth” can specifically mean for you.

Not merely relief from quarrels, or a tentative condition, but an assurance that everything can be ok.

Freedom from those knots in your stomach that come with tensions in your relationships.

Fearlessness in facing the tough moments.

Being convinced of your ability to deeply care, connect, understand and heal.

Believe these possibilities can be yours . . . and then resolutely decide to take hold of them!

Cheers to you – pursuing Peace in 2019!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to pursue Peace in your life contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

Who Do You Think I Am?

Last week, the storyline of a sitcom I like was about the lead couple’s adult daughter getting married.

As is often the case with wedding planning, there was drama around the details. At one point the Mother said, “But ever since you were a little girl you’ve wanted a big church wedding.” (The daughter was opting for a small family-only affair.)

The dialogue illustrated a familiar thread when there’s history in a relationship: what often shapes our expectations of someone in the present is our remembrances of them from the past.

This young bride-to-be had lived more of her life from her little-girl days. She had changed and so had her present-day desires. Her mother’s perspective was keeping her locked in the past, creating a barrier to the mother’s hearing what she was trying to express.

You may have experienced this when trying to communicate with someone as the person you are now, but they continue relating to you according to your past behaviors (weddings and families frequently bring this situation to life).

If we’re honest with ourselves though, we’d admit we do exactly the same thing with other people.

The next time you run into a communication roadblock, consider this dynamic. Perhaps you’re not allowing yourself to accept how the other person has changed. Be open to seeing them in a different light and to reinterpreting their behaviors.

This might be a scary prospect for you. Perhaps letting go of your outdated perspective will make you feel too insecure, or acknowledging you’re operating under old assumptions might mean you have to admit you’ve been wrong (and who wants to do that?).

While you may feel there’s something to lose in making this shift, understand there’s more to be gained: a deeper connection that is newly rooted in truth and authenticity.

Cheers to you -- bringing your relationships into the here and now!

DrK
If you'd like to discover more about how to manage wedding and family conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

Your Autofocus

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

~Soren Kierkegaard

If you’ve ever used the Autofocus on your phone camera, you know that means the lens is positioned to focus on the object nearest to you in the frame. Surprisingly, this is a good illustration for what we should try to do in an emotionally difficult  conversation.

When we’re working through an issue with someone, and we have relationship history with them, it’s very easy to bring up the past. We grab onto past incidents to strengthen our own arguments (and the other person does too). Unfortunately, it only makes matters worse.

You then leave the present reality that you can affect, and become stuck in the past that you cannot change.

Autofocus is the answer. :)   

Photo by Nareeta Martin

Set your focus on what is nearest to you: the conversation in the moment, what is being said in the here and now.  Deal directly with what is at hand, not all of the other related conversations that may have happened in the past (those need to remain a blur).

For example, if you’re talking with your teenager who says, “You never listen to me – you didn’t listen when I told you . . .  or when I said . . . “ (you get the picture), don’t be pulled in to that conversation. Stay in autofocus mode. Instead, say something like, “Maybe so, but I’m listening now. I want to understand what you’re trying to tell me today, in this conversation.” 

As with any relational dynamic, you only have control over your own communications. If the other person won’t stay in the present dialogue, you can’t force them.

But you can still practice, and the more you practice, the more quickly you’ll flip that autofocus switch on for yourself!

DrK 
If you'd like to discover more about how to autofocus in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

The Obstacles Are The Path

Recently I was listening to a roundtable discussion among motion picture directors. They spoke of learning to accept the unexpected detours in their moving-making as part of the process for their intended film. Then, one director referenced a Zen proverb, remarking that the obstacles were the path.

This is often our experience when we encounter conflict in our relationships. We view disagreements as obstacles to our being successful. We believe that if we are moving in the right direction, with all developing happily, we are on the right path. When conflict happens, we think something has gone wrong.

As the directors discovered though, conflicts are not pulling us off the true path for what we’re hoping to create. The conflicts are the path. Depth and intimacy in a relationship are formed through acceptance, understanding, and trust. These qualities are shallow and one-dimensional if they’re built solely on our own viewpoint, our own beliefs about the other person. It’s necessary for us to “bump into each other” and experience the crucible that produces a new, multi-dimensional connection.

I am absolutely not saying that hurtful, destructive fighting is necessary in a relationship! (Which is why I’m dedicated to teaching you how to do conflict well).  What I am saying is the obstacles of controversy actually do function to move you forward in creating the relationship you desire.

As you’re making the movie of your life, I’m encouraging you to adjust the camera lens of how you might be viewing your detours – not only the conflicts in your relationships, but any closed door you encounter.

When you run into them, be at peace. Remind yourself, this is the way forward.

Remind yourself, you’re still on the path.

Cheers to you – knowing the truth about obstacles!

DrK 
If you'd like to discover more about handling those obstacles in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download