Ready for Game Day!

I’ve been watching a lot of football these past weeks – college playoffs and championships, NFL conference playoffs, the run for the Super Bowl next month – a lot of football!

 

It’s been great fun seeing the games, but being the psychologist that I am, I’ve been enthralled with all the plays, strategies, and coaching decisions that have been part of the action.

 

I was reminded that it’s not just a bunch of guys playing a game for fun – something’s at stake. Coaches and athletes don’t leave the outcome to chance. They have a playbook. They show up on game day with a strategic plan.

 

Dave Adamson-Unsplash

We don’t typically think about having a plan when we’re on the playing fields of our relationships. 

 

We start speaking without thinking; we bring up hot topics when were emotional, and our motivation is to be heard rather than to listen.

 

When we want something to change, we criticize rather than calmly express our true desires.

 

We find ourselves losing yardage in the conversation, and what’s at stake – the health of our relationship – is in jeopardy.

 

It doesn’t take long for relational patterns to develop. You’ve already learned quite a bit about how conversations go with your significant people.

 

So, why not have a playbook of your own?

 

When things are getting heated and you need some space to consider what you should do, call a time out.

 

When your plays for total resolution (your touchdown) become unrealistic, simply think of the next best step for you both to take. (Kick that field goal.)

 

When the other person isn’t behaving in ways you expected, give yourself permission to call an audible – to change your approach (maybe your mind) to something different.

 

(As I said, ‘been watching a lot of football.)

 

Difficult conversations will always happen with people in your life (we’re human beings, right?), but it certainly is possible for you to walk away from them holding the game ball!

 

Cheers to you – making a plan to feel like a winner!

DrKay 

If you'd like to discover more about how to build our playbook, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com and let's talk!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

The Hope of Life

As I’m writing my post on this April day, I’m looking out my window and seeing trees with new green Spring leaves, and crepe myrtles filled with buds. The hopeful scene is truly lifting my spirits.

I can’t seem to reconcile this view of emerging life though with the virus situation we’re experiencing now. As our hearts go out to those battling the illness or who have already lost loved ones, and medical workers who are in harms way every day, I look at the world in Springtime and my brain can't compute the disconnection.

That seems to be our dilemma these days, doesn’t it? Trying to keep life moving forward in the midst of such uncertainty.

These are stressful times. Staying positive is a daunting task.

Being at home, working or studying when multiple people are around, with seemingly no break from one another, could be straining your relationships, and you need a few ideas.

With rapid change happening all around you, understand there might be more friction in your house than usual (stress will do that).

When emotions run high, take a step back and recognize what’s going on because of anxiety during this difficult time.

Be proactive. Learn how to set different boundaries as you discover different needs.

Embrace finding new (maybe better) ways of accomplishing things together.

Keep humor in the situation. Come up with a fun word that makes everybody smile, and agree that whenever anyone is running out of steam they can call out that word to signal they need some space.

Give those around you (and yourself) plenty of grace, patience, and kindness.

Above all, zoom out.  Remember the big picture. You will eventually come out on the other side of  this!

It is my faith at Easter to rejoice that Death has been conquered, and to celebrate that Life’s victory has been won for us.

Whatever this time of year means to you, I’m encouraging you today to remember it’s already been settled:  Spring follows Winter, Light overcomes Darkness, and Hope thrives in the midst of Chaos.

Let us continue to be safe – and to choose Life together!

DrKay 

If you'd like to discover more about how to keep life in your relationships, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com and let's talk!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 
 

Train That Dragon!

You may have heard it said, “If you want a change, make a change.” It’s a smart mantra, but when we try to apply that to an anxiety-producing environment, the idea can be pretty daunting.

Difficult face-to-face conversations sometimes fall into that category. It’s usually because we‘re anticipating conflict and we’re afraid we won’t know how to handle it. This is a fairly common view and why so many of us avoid those dialogues. 

Since the event involves another person (and they’re a wild card), we mistakenly think we can’t affect how the interaction will go and we don’t always see the power we have on our side.

The truth is, you have what it takes to handle the circumstances – you just need a chance to figure that out.

You’d be surprised at how much you already know – about yourself, and about them:

Your buttons they regularly push (because they’ve learned which ones work)

The poor communication habits that already exist between you (like interrupting each other)

Historical patterns of behavior (they don’t seem to listen to you)

Take a quiet moment; think about the information you have, and choose just one thing you can do differently – something that you know would be good to do with that particular person.

For example,

Decide you’re going to count to 10 when your buttons are pushed (and dodge that bullet).

Take a deep breath and slow down when you’re tempted to interrupt (or maybe when they’ve just interrupted you). 

Make it a point to actively listen to their needs first (it will calm them down so you can talk).

It’s remarkable how giving a little forethought to the situation can be transforming.

Then, tackle that conversation, believing things will be different, and they will be – because you are.

Cheers to you – discovering the power within!

DrKay 

If you'd like to discover more about how to train your dragon, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 
 

Curing Defensiveness

The other day I was trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the keys down.

(I’m sure you’ve experienced this before too.)

It reminded me of what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself instead of resolving the issue at hand.

When we’re in this moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept where they’re taking you.

You can easily deflect whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to discuss this problem.”

Of course, the pull to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you could cause further damage.

When you feel the urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay focused, and keep going toward what you need.

Cheers to you – resisting defensiveness and hitting your mark!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  




  

Acquainted With Grief

I’ve noticed lately what the women I serve seem to value the most from me isn’t my communication expertise, or the practical skills I offer for dealing with their conflicts, but the fact that I’m acquainted with the grief they’re experiencing.

I know how it feels to finally get up the courage to address something problematic with someone you care about and discover they’re completely indifferent to what you’ve said.

I know how unnerving it is to sincerely express what you need in a relationship and have the conversation blow up in your face because the other person decides the best defense is a good offense.

I know the despondency that comes from trying to have a conversation with someone who’s hurt you about how you’d like to remedy the situation, only to walk away realizing they totally disregarded your topic and you were the one who ended up apologizing to them!

I’m familiar with the losses in those moments regardless of your loving intentions – loss of confidence, power, clarity, and faith.

I‘m also acquainted with what it takes to hold on to yourself in those affairs of life – to push yourself to try again, to valiantly recover your faith that you can  do something different, to refuse to abandon what matters to you even in the face of the adversity that may come.

 As long as we live on this planet with other human beings, these conversations will continue; but despite this fact, I know there is great hope that their outcomes can be changed.

In case you’ve forgotten, remind yourself today of who you want to be in this world, and don’t give up on becoming her.

Because what I know for sure (as Oprah says), when you’re ready, you will change the story.

Roaring, thunderous cheers to you – Being Brave!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to change those tough conversations, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

You're In Charge

You won’t change the story of your relationships until you reclaim 

your authority to write it.

Many times we realize we want something to be different in our relationships – we want to make a change – but somehow this thought never gets translated into action.

Not understanding the personal authority we possess is one of the central barriers to confidently undertaking this effort.

When I use the term, personal authority, I’m defining it as total dominion over yourself to:

Dictate your own choices

Say “no” when that’s what you want to say, and to say “yes”

Regulate what you’re not willing to accept in your relationships – and what you are

Determine the culture of your sphere of influence

Take a minute to think about this today. Do you recognize yourself in these statements? Which ones? Which ones have you forgotten you own?

Let 2019 be the year you take hold of this truth – especially in the areas where you have abdicated your rule. 

When you’re facing tough situations with the people in your life, remember the authority that already belongs to you. Not with the intention to overpower them, but so you can have assurance for the jurisdiction of your actions.

This will enable you to function from a place of confidence and security. Best of all, it will open your heart to compassion and love.

Cheers to you – understanding your authorship!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to access your personal authority, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

2019 Peace On Earth

Working in the conflict resolution field, I’m always delighted during this time of the year because the theme of peace is so present  -- in greeting cards sent, songs sung, sermons preached and good wishes expressed. Even if it’s only for a season, I love the that the world embraces this thinking.

When we hear the phrase, “peace on earth” though, we typically think of peace as simply the absence of fighting, or maybe a fragile truce that can be jeopardized at any moment.

But peace is more than that. It’s stronger. It’s another word for wholeness -- within yourself and in your relationships. It means that harmony exists within you and with the people around you.

Peace within you means you are at rest, secure, confident in your efforts to love others well. Peace in your relationships means connection, freedom from damage, and thriving love.

“Peace on earth” can sometimes feel more like a lofty concept, something far away from our everyday life.

The joyful message of Christmas is that Peace has come near. True, substantive Peace is not something far away; it is within our grasp!

Today as you pass through this 2018 Season of Peace and move forward into the New Year tonight, consider the hopeful possibilities of what “peace on earth” can specifically mean for you.

Not merely relief from quarrels, or a tentative condition, but an assurance that everything can be ok.

Freedom from those knots in your stomach that come with tensions in your relationships.

Fearlessness in facing the tough moments.

Being convinced of your ability to deeply care, connect, understand and heal.

Believe these possibilities can be yours . . . and then resolutely decide to take hold of them!

Cheers to you – pursuing Peace in 2019!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to pursue Peace in your life contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download