What's On The Inside Counts

One of the most significant reasons we avoid conflict is our belief that we don’t have any answers, or know what to do for the situation. What generally happens then is a type of paralysis: we do nothing.

In the confusion of relational conflict, it’s easy to think that you don’t have any ideas about how to move forward, or what to do in the midst of the difficult conversation. The reality is, you do – you just don’t see it yet.

Most of the time when I engage with clients, they look to me for all the solutions, but I’ve learned they already know what they’d like to do, or how they’d like their conversations to go. I believe this is the circumstance for you too.

When you find yourself in this place, do a little “barrier removal” and allow your thinking to expand.

If you’re feeling stuck about a confusing interpersonal situation, take some time to do the Magic Wand Exercise: ask yourself, if you could wave a magic wand, how would things unfold? What would you express out loud to the other person? What would they say to you if you allowed them to articulate what’s truly on their mind? What would things look like in the end when all was well?

Of course, I realize you don’t have magic for what’s going on, but this exercise will reveal for you that you do have some specific thoughts, wishes, and desired outcomes after all. 

Believe that these are worth pursuing.

Most importantly, know that in some form or fashion, they are attainable.

So don’t be paralyzed – tucked inside you is exactly where you want to go!

DrK
If you'd like to know more about discovering what you want, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Land Mines

How many times have you been having a normal conversation with someone and all of a sudden (you still don’t know why!) they blow up at something you just said?

You didn’t even see it coming.

Thrown completely off guard, you immediately start saying things to calm the person down – but you’re just shooting in the dark.

Chances are the person has behaved that same way before. If you take some time to think about it, you should be able to see the pattern in their behavior – and also recognize how you consistently react to it.

Plan to handle it differently the next time around.

Resist trying to manage the situation. Since you don’t really know what happened, you don’t know the remedy.

However, you can manage you. Breathe. Stay steady. Give yourself a moment to recover from the shock. Listen to what they’re telling you, and try to address what they are experiencing.

Reach out to them and ask something like, “What can I do to help you with this right now?”  Let them take the responsibility for letting you know what’s on their mind.

I’ll have more to say about land mines in the future, but for now, allow these suggestions roll around in your thoughts.

I believe you will be able to figure a few things out.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about how to navigate land mines, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

To Talk or Not to Talk -- That Is The Question

 

So . . . you have an exchange with someone and you walk away feeling offended, hurt, or disrespected.  “What do I do now?” you wonder. “”Do I speak up about what just happened, or do I let it go and move on?

Much of the time, we elect not to discuss the dynamics. We come up with good reasons not to address the situation, and we determine it’s best if we just bottle up how we feel.

The mistake in that is thinking that bottling something up is resolution. 

As you continue to absorb your feelings, you’ll get to point when overflow will happen despite your best efforts. It’s like the full toothpaste tube with the cap on it. As long as the tube is just sitting on your bathroom counter, it’s in good shape, but if you pick it up and start squeezing it, that toothpaste is going to leak out somehow.

Your behavior toward the other person will change. It might be that eventually you start to snap at that person, or warmth will leave your demeanor when they’re around.  You may decline to be with them when invited.

Don’t be fooled – you haven’t accomplished anything. You’ve only traded one difficult situation for another.

Of course, making the decision whether or not to talk with the other person about the incident is yours to make. However, you must realize the decision cannot be one of taking no action at all.  You still have to do something about the offense and those feelings, even if it’s on your own.

You could possibly: forgive them and let go of their indebtedness to you; extend mercy to them for being so imperfect; understand what they might be going through and have compassion for them.

You did experience something and those feelings are not going to magically disappear. Bottling them up, stuffing them down, or absorbing them somehow, are insufficient solutions. You have to actively attend to them.

Acknowledge the reality. Honestly look at your own hurt or offense. Choose your action, and follow through.

You will find yourself in a much better place.

Dr.K

If you'd like to know more about how to take action, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

 

Knowing Your Personal Power

The best tonic in the world is the exhilaration which comes from the consciousness of personal power.   ~Orison Swett Marden

We’ve all been there – the moment in a conversation when we feel our sense of power slowly ebbing away. We experience the awareness of losing something – our choices, our confidence,  our solid ground. No matter how powerful we feel when the conversation starts, these moments can still happen – weakness and confusion can still set in.

 

This occurrence is often the root of conflict avoidance. Perhaps in the past, it’s what’s happened with a particular person, and you feel that lack of power in dealing with them. Maybe you generally don’t see yourself as having the toughness to confront.

I was happy to discover this quote by Mr. Marden because it describes the opposite situation – the times when we realize we do have personal power in our lives.  Personal power doesn’t mean the ability to overpower someone else. It is the complete power you have over yourself and your life as an individual.

In other words, your answers to questions like: What are your choices here?  What can you do? What is it you don’t have to do? What are you willing to do (or not)? What will you accept (or not)?

Here’s the truth:  you always have personal power in every circumstance. Your choices may vary, the realities of the situation will shape what that power looks like, and how you use your power may be situational . . . but it is always there.

Think of it like the stars and planets of the universe that surround our Earth. Not being able to see them in the daytime doesn’t remove them from existence.

Discovery is the key – bringing that personal power into your consciousness. In answering some of the above questions for yourself, and realizing those decisions do lie with you, you’ll experience the exhilaration Mr. Marden describes, and it will be the tonic that keeps your feet firmly planted.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about how to discover your personal power, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download