As long as there is human interaction, people will be writing, talking, and teaching about listening!
When it comes to conflict, listening isn't just a good idea for communication's sake; it can actually turn the tide of a difficult conversation -- and so can failing to listen.
Here's why:
1. When you don't listen, your potential for understanding diminishes greatly -- and understanding is crucial for working through a conflict.
We've all been there when we've had a whole conversation about something, only to discover we'd misunderstood what was originally said, and realize we'd been completely off track.
When you have no understanding about the conflict circumstances, you become thoroughly ineffective, and may not even be dealing with the true matter at hand.
2. When you don't listen, you block your ability to learn about the situation, and about the others involved.
Communication is always happening. Even when a person is speaking emotionally, you can still learn a lot -- what is really bother them, what is most important to them about what's going on, etc.
When you continue to listen, you continue to collect essential information, which is key to handling the conflict well.
3. When you stop listening, you stop being open, and this will escalate the conflict.
The decision to stop listening is the decision to close your mind (and your heart) to the other person. You cut yourself off from possibilities, from empathy, from finding a peaceful solution.
There's nothing the conflict can do but intensify.
So when you sense friction beginning, and tension starting to mount, tell yourself, "Ok, I've really got to hang in there and listen now."
Then, practice the listening discipline that will bring you those golden nuggets of understanding, learning, and openness.
DrK
If you'd like some help developing your listening sills, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Confict and Confidence (Laying Down Your Stones)
Many people think that having confidence in a conflict means you are convinced of your power over the other person, or at least, of your ability to stubbornly outlast others in holding your position.
However, that's not quite true. It's actually a false sense of confidence, and is only circumstantial. It ebbs and flows depending on who that other person is.
True confidence is present in you in every difficult conflict situation. It is the confidence which comes from a place of inward security -- being secure in the belief that you have choices in the situation, that your desires and goals are of equal validity, and that you have jurisdiction over your own life.
Psychological research has shown that when your sense of empowerment comes from this internal locale, you are more able to maneuver when conflict curve balls come your way -- or to recover when one has it you! The focus of developing internal strength equips you to let go of measuring your power by your aggressive abilities (or stones in your bag) and act from a position of authentic stability.
Not only that, but when you are strong within yourself, you are liberated to further engage in the conversation, listen to the other person, and think through solutions more peacefully.
So when you discover an area of weakness in your conflict interactions, instead of looking for another stone you can throw, explore the weakness internally and build it up with true confidence.
DrK
If you'd like some help figuring out how to develop true confidence, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
However, that's not quite true. It's actually a false sense of confidence, and is only circumstantial. It ebbs and flows depending on who that other person is.
True confidence is present in you in every difficult conflict situation. It is the confidence which comes from a place of inward security -- being secure in the belief that you have choices in the situation, that your desires and goals are of equal validity, and that you have jurisdiction over your own life.
Psychological research has shown that when your sense of empowerment comes from this internal locale, you are more able to maneuver when conflict curve balls come your way -- or to recover when one has it you! The focus of developing internal strength equips you to let go of measuring your power by your aggressive abilities (or stones in your bag) and act from a position of authentic stability.
Not only that, but when you are strong within yourself, you are liberated to further engage in the conversation, listen to the other person, and think through solutions more peacefully.
So when you discover an area of weakness in your conflict interactions, instead of looking for another stone you can throw, explore the weakness internally and build it up with true confidence.
DrK
If you'd like some help figuring out how to develop true confidence, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
Friday, June 24, 2016
Conflict and Advice (Thanks, But No Thanks)
Most of us have people in our lives who like to give us advice -- family members, co-workers, particular friends -- and some do it much more than we'd like them to.
When they repeatedly offer this advice, you want to respond, but you can tell if you do, it will be more sarcastic than kind, and may even result in come conflict.
It happens so frequently though, it's beginning to bother you, and now you want to figure it out.
The remedy you're seeking is planned responses (now, don't roll your eyes).
Here's how you can practice handling the situation and get good at it.
Because it is recurring, you are already familiar with the patterns of their communication. You know when they are genuinely trying to help and when they just want to sound smarter than you. So take a few peaceful minutes and design some responses.
A few examples:
When you already know what they're telling you, but they just want to be helpful:
It may be that in the end you'll just have to patiently forgive and love them as the people in your life, but in the meantime, give planned responses a try -- it will definitely help.
DrK
If you'd like some help figuring out a recurring situation in your life, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
When they repeatedly offer this advice, you want to respond, but you can tell if you do, it will be more sarcastic than kind, and may even result in come conflict.
It happens so frequently though, it's beginning to bother you, and now you want to figure it out.
The remedy you're seeking is planned responses (now, don't roll your eyes).
Here's how you can practice handling the situation and get good at it.
Because it is recurring, you are already familiar with the patterns of their communication. You know when they are genuinely trying to help and when they just want to sound smarter than you. So take a few peaceful minutes and design some responses.
A few examples:
When you already know what they're telling you, but they just want to be helpful:
- "I'm glad you said that, I've found that to be true too, so that just confirms it for me."
- "Thanks, I've been trying to figure out what actually works for me, but I'll keep that in mind."
- "Thanks, but I think I've got this."
It may be that in the end you'll just have to patiently forgive and love them as the people in your life, but in the meantime, give planned responses a try -- it will definitely help.
DrK
If you'd like some help figuring out a recurring situation in your life, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Conflict and Failure (Not In My Vocabulary)
Recently I've been doing some volunteer coaching at an Orlando career advancement program and the coaches and participants have been required to take a personality test. One of the multiple choice questions was, "Failure is . . ." followed by a couple of definitions.
My reaction when I saw the question was that neither one of the definitions worked for me. In fact, the more I thought about it, I realized I had no definition for "failure," the word wasn't even in my vocabulary! To me, the word failure communicates a sense of finality that I'm just not willing to accept.
Yes, I realize we do things that don't measure up, we institute ideas that don't work, we enter relationships and discover we can't sustain them.
In my mind though, those situations don't mean failure. To me, it usually indicates I wasn't sufficiently equipped for the task, or my expectations weren't realistic, or I didn't understand my limitations.
My response is to see it as simply life unfolding, to learn from it, and to try again-- only this time, another way.
This perspective is valuable when it comes to having tough conversations that create conflict. It's easy to feel that sense of failure when it doesn't go well, when we walk away feeling like we didn't achieve what we wanted. We forget human interactions are complex, and it takes time to find ways to be successful in them.
When those conversations go awry though, it's not failure, it's feedback; it's guidance. The situation told you what worked, what didn't, and what you need to develop next.
So try this thinking on for size. When failure starts to creep into your emotions, remember that whatever the situation is, it's not over yet . . . and practice, practice, practice!
DrK
If you'd like some help with removing 'failure' from your vocabulary too, contact me at confidentconflict.com and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"
My reaction when I saw the question was that neither one of the definitions worked for me. In fact, the more I thought about it, I realized I had no definition for "failure," the word wasn't even in my vocabulary! To me, the word failure communicates a sense of finality that I'm just not willing to accept.
Yes, I realize we do things that don't measure up, we institute ideas that don't work, we enter relationships and discover we can't sustain them.
In my mind though, those situations don't mean failure. To me, it usually indicates I wasn't sufficiently equipped for the task, or my expectations weren't realistic, or I didn't understand my limitations.
My response is to see it as simply life unfolding, to learn from it, and to try again-- only this time, another way.
This perspective is valuable when it comes to having tough conversations that create conflict. It's easy to feel that sense of failure when it doesn't go well, when we walk away feeling like we didn't achieve what we wanted. We forget human interactions are complex, and it takes time to find ways to be successful in them.
When those conversations go awry though, it's not failure, it's feedback; it's guidance. The situation told you what worked, what didn't, and what you need to develop next.
So try this thinking on for size. When failure starts to creep into your emotions, remember that whatever the situation is, it's not over yet . . . and practice, practice, practice!
DrK
If you'd like some help with removing 'failure' from your vocabulary too, contact me at confidentconflict.com and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Conflict and Limits (In Your Own Eyes)
Leadership expert, John Maxwell, has said, "To be successful in any endeavor, we need to get out of our own way."
This is certainly true when it comes to the goal of improving how we handle conflict. We can be our own biggest obstacle to taking the action we desire. The key is in how we see ourselves.
If, in your own eyes, you are small and powerless, lacking the ability to overcome a conflict situation, you will not be successful in making changes.
Behavioral scientists call these perspectives limiting beliefs. They are the thoughts we have that confine us, that keep us from taking the steps to move forward -- in other words, self-imposed prisons.
Conflict is something that can cause you to feel weak and confused, so you begin to see yourself in a state of diminished capacity. I'm sure you can recall a time when this has happened to you.
It is critical to move past this restrictive mentality and see the competence that already lies within you to master your situation. Reconnecting with the strengths and internal resources you already have will enable you to create a new vision of what you want.
When you become stronger in your own eyes -- when you see yourself as truly being capable of learning new skills and actually having influence on your environment -- it will make all the difference.
DrK
If you'd like some help identifying your own limiting beliefs, contact me at confidentconflict.com and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"
This is certainly true when it comes to the goal of improving how we handle conflict. We can be our own biggest obstacle to taking the action we desire. The key is in how we see ourselves.
If, in your own eyes, you are small and powerless, lacking the ability to overcome a conflict situation, you will not be successful in making changes.
Behavioral scientists call these perspectives limiting beliefs. They are the thoughts we have that confine us, that keep us from taking the steps to move forward -- in other words, self-imposed prisons.
Conflict is something that can cause you to feel weak and confused, so you begin to see yourself in a state of diminished capacity. I'm sure you can recall a time when this has happened to you.
It is critical to move past this restrictive mentality and see the competence that already lies within you to master your situation. Reconnecting with the strengths and internal resources you already have will enable you to create a new vision of what you want.
When you become stronger in your own eyes -- when you see yourself as truly being capable of learning new skills and actually having influence on your environment -- it will make all the difference.
DrK
If you'd like some help identifying your own limiting beliefs, contact me at confidentconflict.com and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"
Friday, June 17, 2016
Conflict and Flexibility (Taking the Detour)
Wednesday's post was about running into information in a conversation that tells you the road you're on to get what you want has been blocked.
The second half of the story is about what frequently accompanies those road blocks: detour signs!
Signs we encounter that say, "Hey don't worry, there is another way to get to your destination."
Detours are also something to remember when you run into those road blocks in your conversations and your expectations are thwarted. You can probably still achieve your goal, but it's likely it will happen differently than you thought.
Loosening your grip on your expectations doesn't mean you have to completely let go of your wishes. Simply recognize the legitimacy of the other person's desire and respond to the call to be resourceful in figuring out how to work together. Allow yourself to be open to the creativity that is possible.
You can figure it out. Maybe you'll need to take a break and rethink things with the new information you've learned (and you can always just say that), but you do have choices, and you have the ability to envision what will be needed.
Remember there's always a detour -- you just have to discover it (which is not necessarily all bad!).
DrK
confidentconflict.com
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"
The second half of the story is about what frequently accompanies those road blocks: detour signs!
Signs we encounter that say, "Hey don't worry, there is another way to get to your destination."
Detours are also something to remember when you run into those road blocks in your conversations and your expectations are thwarted. You can probably still achieve your goal, but it's likely it will happen differently than you thought.
Loosening your grip on your expectations doesn't mean you have to completely let go of your wishes. Simply recognize the legitimacy of the other person's desire and respond to the call to be resourceful in figuring out how to work together. Allow yourself to be open to the creativity that is possible.
You can figure it out. Maybe you'll need to take a break and rethink things with the new information you've learned (and you can always just say that), but you do have choices, and you have the ability to envision what will be needed.
Remember there's always a detour -- you just have to discover it (which is not necessarily all bad!).
DrK
confidentconflict.com
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Conflict and Expectations (Road Blocks)
There's a lot of road construction going on in Orlando right now, especially on the main arteries like the Interstate and toll roads.
There are lane closures, blocked exits, and lots of signs like this.
As you would imagine, these things thwart us drivers from our routine routes. It's not quite as bad when we already know about the closures, but when we encounter unexpected road blocks, frustration mounts.
This is often what is happening at the very beginning of an interpersonal conflict too. You are moving along a path you believe will get you to something you want, but then another person in your life (boss, spouse, retail merchant) does something that blocks your plans.
Maybe they say that's not how they want to get a project done, or they can't help you until the next day, (or no, you can't return that merchandise, there are rules!), and you suddenly feel very frustrated from what seems to be a lack of cooperation on their part.
Then what usually happens? Both people start pushing harder to try to get where they're going -- and that leads to conflict.
The frustration comes largely from having the expectation that things will go the way you'd pictured them, but other people behave from their own desires and expectations.
Instead of pushing harder, take a step back and make a positive change in the energy.
When you run into those road block moments with someone, and frustration starts to rise,
DrK
Click here to download "12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" now.
As you would imagine, these things thwart us drivers from our routine routes. It's not quite as bad when we already know about the closures, but when we encounter unexpected road blocks, frustration mounts.
This is often what is happening at the very beginning of an interpersonal conflict too. You are moving along a path you believe will get you to something you want, but then another person in your life (boss, spouse, retail merchant) does something that blocks your plans.
Maybe they say that's not how they want to get a project done, or they can't help you until the next day, (or no, you can't return that merchandise, there are rules!), and you suddenly feel very frustrated from what seems to be a lack of cooperation on their part.
Then what usually happens? Both people start pushing harder to try to get where they're going -- and that leads to conflict.
The frustration comes largely from having the expectation that things will go the way you'd pictured them, but other people behave from their own desires and expectations.
Instead of pushing harder, take a step back and make a positive change in the energy.
When you run into those road block moments with someone, and frustration starts to rise,
- Realize you have simply hit a reminder that you aren't all alone in the world and you don't live in a vacuum (you have temporarily forgotten this!)
- Enlarge your perspective (zoom out), loosen your grip on your expectation of doing something "your way." Make room for the other person's wishes and needs as you view the situation.
DrK
Click here to download "12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" now.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Out of Respect
Today I'm not going to do a regular post.
I am an Orlando resident, and the tragedy of yesterday's shooting has profoundly affected all of us here.
Somehow, it seems more respectful today to acknowledge what has happened, and to use this opportunity to join my voice with others who speak for peace.
My prayers are with all of the victims who are fighting for their lives, for the families who are already mourning, for the police and first responders, for the medical teams, for our city, for our community.
Prayers for . . .
light in darkness
comfort in grief
wisdom in confusion
pardon for injury
hope in despair.
We have yet to know the magnitude of how this terrible act will touch our lives here; it will only be revealed in the days to come.
It is also my prayer that through it all, love will rule.
DrK
I am an Orlando resident, and the tragedy of yesterday's shooting has profoundly affected all of us here.
Somehow, it seems more respectful today to acknowledge what has happened, and to use this opportunity to join my voice with others who speak for peace.
My prayers are with all of the victims who are fighting for their lives, for the families who are already mourning, for the police and first responders, for the medical teams, for our city, for our community.
Prayers for . . .
light in darkness
comfort in grief
wisdom in confusion
pardon for injury
hope in despair.
We have yet to know the magnitude of how this terrible act will touch our lives here; it will only be revealed in the days to come.
 |
| #prayfororlando |
It is also my prayer that through it all, love will rule.
DrK
Friday, June 10, 2016
Conflict and Courage (Brave Heart)
Recently, I was on an airplane watching the movie, "War Horse." There is a scene where the cavalry unit is riding off to battle and as they pass by their commander, he is telling them what an honor it is to serve with them, exhorting them to fight for king and country, and to "Be brave, be brave, be brave."
Watching that, I began to consider how often bravery is required of us, not only when fighting a war, but in our everyday lives. One definition of brave is, "To endure or face unpleasant conditions or behaviors, danger or pain." Most of us can recall times when we've had to do this very thing.
The purpose of my plane trip was to help my sister move my 93-year-old
mother from California to Houston, TX. The undertaking was everything we
expected it to be, including being quite physically hard on my Mom. I couldn't help but see how much bravery it took for her to make this necessary move.
I have observed that we don't always think of bravery when it comes to conflict. We might be aware of skills we have (or don't have) to handle relational difficulties; we might even recognize qualities we possess that aid us.
But we don't always realize the bravery it takes to engage -- to acknowledge something is amiss in a relationship, to make the decision to deal with it head on, to "endure or face" the possible negative fallout from that choice.
Today I am encouraging you to remember you have bravery in you, in your heart. When you encounter moments that shake you in these next few days, when you realize you are going to have to be the one to initiate that tough conversation, remember this is true of you, and reach for that bravery to keep you going -- it will be there.
Be brave, be brave, be brave.
DrK
www.confidentconflict.com
Click here for my free resource: "Relationship Hurricanes: Disaster Prepardness 101 (12 Ways to Rule in Conflict)"
Watching that, I began to consider how often bravery is required of us, not only when fighting a war, but in our everyday lives. One definition of brave is, "To endure or face unpleasant conditions or behaviors, danger or pain." Most of us can recall times when we've had to do this very thing.
 |
| My view at 40,000 feet |
I have observed that we don't always think of bravery when it comes to conflict. We might be aware of skills we have (or don't have) to handle relational difficulties; we might even recognize qualities we possess that aid us.
But we don't always realize the bravery it takes to engage -- to acknowledge something is amiss in a relationship, to make the decision to deal with it head on, to "endure or face" the possible negative fallout from that choice.
Today I am encouraging you to remember you have bravery in you, in your heart. When you encounter moments that shake you in these next few days, when you realize you are going to have to be the one to initiate that tough conversation, remember this is true of you, and reach for that bravery to keep you going -- it will be there.
Be brave, be brave, be brave.
DrK
www.confidentconflict.com
Click here for my free resource: "Relationship Hurricanes: Disaster Prepardness 101 (12 Ways to Rule in Conflict)"
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Conflict and Leadership (Being the Lead Dog)
Leadership is a popular ongoing topic these days. You are probably aware of all kinds of literature on leadership (to include leading in your own life), and most likely, have heard of Executive and Leadership coaching.
Lewis Grizzard captured one aspect of the pull of leadership when he said, "Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."
I wonder though, have you ever considered the idea of leading in conflict? Of being the lead dog in that arena?
By this I mean being the person who sets the standard for how the people in your sphere of influence talk to each other, what values will be maintained in communication where there are difficulties, and especially in determining the conflict culture you will, and will not, accept.
When we think of developing our skills for managing relational conflicts -- in business, family or ministry -- we tend to think more about our own personal development; we often forget that we will be impacting others with the changes we make in ourselves.
Of course, leading in this can be a scary prospect. Sometime is means doing something that no one else is doing, or taking a leap without knowing if others will follow.
Yet, it is important to recognize the reality of the bigger picture. If you are someone who leads others, lead them (and yourself) in this realm too -- lead them through the chaos of conflict. Lead them in communicating respect, in valuing others, in the goal of agreement.
When you next encounter a conflict situation (and I'm sure you will), think in terms of your own leadership and step into that role. Use those moments to let others know who you are and the character that should be followed.
Lead -- with competence, with compassion and with peace.
Be the lead dog and let that scenery change!
DrK
Lewis Grizzard captured one aspect of the pull of leadership when he said, "Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."
I wonder though, have you ever considered the idea of leading in conflict? Of being the lead dog in that arena?
By this I mean being the person who sets the standard for how the people in your sphere of influence talk to each other, what values will be maintained in communication where there are difficulties, and especially in determining the conflict culture you will, and will not, accept.
When we think of developing our skills for managing relational conflicts -- in business, family or ministry -- we tend to think more about our own personal development; we often forget that we will be impacting others with the changes we make in ourselves.
Of course, leading in this can be a scary prospect. Sometime is means doing something that no one else is doing, or taking a leap without knowing if others will follow.
Yet, it is important to recognize the reality of the bigger picture. If you are someone who leads others, lead them (and yourself) in this realm too -- lead them through the chaos of conflict. Lead them in communicating respect, in valuing others, in the goal of agreement.
When you next encounter a conflict situation (and I'm sure you will), think in terms of your own leadership and step into that role. Use those moments to let others know who you are and the character that should be followed.
Lead -- with competence, with compassion and with peace.
Be the lead dog and let that scenery change!
DrK
Monday, June 6, 2016
Conflict and Results (Movement is Progress)
Whenever I have a really good day, I always think, "How did I do that?" and then I wonder, "How can I do that again?"
It's encouraging when something seems to work for us; we start to feel the pull of what we can do to bring about those desired results again.
When it comes to relational issues, we don't really like having the same fight over and over, (even though it seems that's what we do). So when we discover something that works for us in conflict, we feel the same pull in that arena too.
Women employ me for conflict development coaching because the way they have been handling their relational difficulties is no longer working for them, and they are becoming aware of new desires they would like to pursue. They want to feel more control in the midst of the chaos, they want to feel they can positively influence the situation, they want to engage in conflict more powerfully as themselves.
Coming up with a new game plan and employing new personal strategies changes their experience of conflict, and they see the positive difference it makes as they interact with others.
But what about those desired results? How do we measure our success in this effort. In talking about human behavior, we need a different measuring stick.
When the focus of change is on you -- on your being different in the situation -- then any improvement, any positive difference you make is a successful result. If you remain calm five minutes longer, if you stay in the conversation one time without cutting the other person off or walking away, if you listen for one more clue about how the other person's feeling (or even spend a moment caring about them when you usually don't!), you have been successful.
If this is you, if you're trying to be better in a particular situation right now, trying to do something differently, remember, movement is progress. Think about former behaviors, then think about something new you are doing now. Realize that is a result -- a happy success -- and try to do it again!
DrK
If you'd like to discuss some desired results of your own, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- I'll be glad to hear from you!
It's encouraging when something seems to work for us; we start to feel the pull of what we can do to bring about those desired results again.
When it comes to relational issues, we don't really like having the same fight over and over, (even though it seems that's what we do). So when we discover something that works for us in conflict, we feel the same pull in that arena too.
Women employ me for conflict development coaching because the way they have been handling their relational difficulties is no longer working for them, and they are becoming aware of new desires they would like to pursue. They want to feel more control in the midst of the chaos, they want to feel they can positively influence the situation, they want to engage in conflict more powerfully as themselves.
Coming up with a new game plan and employing new personal strategies changes their experience of conflict, and they see the positive difference it makes as they interact with others.
But what about those desired results? How do we measure our success in this effort. In talking about human behavior, we need a different measuring stick.
When the focus of change is on you -- on your being different in the situation -- then any improvement, any positive difference you make is a successful result. If you remain calm five minutes longer, if you stay in the conversation one time without cutting the other person off or walking away, if you listen for one more clue about how the other person's feeling (or even spend a moment caring about them when you usually don't!), you have been successful.
If this is you, if you're trying to be better in a particular situation right now, trying to do something differently, remember, movement is progress. Think about former behaviors, then think about something new you are doing now. Realize that is a result -- a happy success -- and try to do it again!
DrK
If you'd like to discuss some desired results of your own, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- I'll be glad to hear from you!
Friday, June 3, 2016
In Pursuit of Peace
I am a textbook middle child. I was born between a dynamic, talented, first-born and a fun-loving, darling, baby of the family. According to birth order theory, middle children have peacemaking tendencies, and I certainly do.
It
is this hope that compels us to keep moving forward in our pursuit.
When we do, we learn some things about our own capacities for
compassionate strength, and no matter what our birth order is, sometimes
we discover the surprise of peacemaking tendencies too.
DrK
If you'd like to talk more about pursuing peace, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com
What I’ve had to learn though is that peacemaking in relationships is not peace-at-all-cost. If we subscribe to this view – “I must sacrifice whatever I have to in order to make peace with this person” – we need to understand that the price is too high.
The
truth is peace at all costs is not peace. It is acquiescence under
duress, a tentative armistice, appeasement. It is not genuine peace.
Genuine
peace is acceptance of another. Genuine peace involves both people. Peace
at all costs takes you out of the equation, and in the end, leaves you
feeling disappointed, hurt, and unheard – there is no peace within you.
Besides, when we rescue others (or even ourselves) from facing the hard
work that peace requires, we soon realize we have to perform the rescue
over and over again.
Peace at all costs comes from a place of weakness. Genuine peace comes from strength – compassionate strength.
Peace
is more than resolving a conflict. Even if disagreements are
settled, peace may not be present. Peace requires more of us. It calls
us to be at rest about the situation -- in our own hearts and toward
others -- to hold no grudges. We can arrive at solutions, but peace
needs pursuit. It demands our every effort in the quest.
There is much we can do as individuals to bring peace into the situations of our lives through the
decisions we make about our own behaviors and attitudes – and the good
news is we have complete authority over all these decisions. The words
of the old song that say, “let peace on earth begin with me” are really
pretty accurate. We truly can be a great influence for peace in both our
encounters with others, and within ourselves.
DrK
If you'd like to talk more about pursuing peace, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Conflict and Denial (Conflict? Who Me?)
As a psychologist, it has been a very interesting experience for me to engage people in the topic of conflict.
There are three common responses I get when I say I'm a conflict coach:
1. I didn't know there was such a thing.
2. I know someone who could use your help!
3. Oh, I don't really have any conflict in my life.
The first response is pretty expected. Unless you are a person who has had professional dealings with conflict management, you don't typically hear of conflict coaching.
Response #2 always makes me smile (at least, on the inside). It is so true that we look at relational difficulties through the lens of "it's the other person who's the difficult one." We forget that many times we are someone else's difficult person!
I've been most intrigued by the third response because I know whatever our walk of life, we encounter friction, confusion and conflict in some relationship. Work, family, church -- we don't escape it. So I continue to be curious about what makes us want to deny that.
It seems there's something about admitting we're not getting along with someone that makes us feel less than we think we should be. For whatever reason -- our position, our culture, our perceived expectations -- somehow we're supposed to be able to handle those difficulties, or maybe that they shouldn't even be happening. It's as if the level of conflict in our life is the measure of how capable we are.
But that's not true.
The reality is as long as we are moving through this life with other human beings, we will have difficult situations because we are not all clones. We are individuals. Each of us has our own thoughts, desires, and plans, and it is our shared task to learn how to be on this planet together.
Acknowledging we have conflict in our life is not a statement that means we've fallen short of something -- it's simply a declaration that we, too, are part of the human race.
DrK
If you have any thoughts about why we don't like to admit we have conflict in our life, I'd love to hear them!
There are three common responses I get when I say I'm a conflict coach:
1. I didn't know there was such a thing.
2. I know someone who could use your help!
3. Oh, I don't really have any conflict in my life.
The first response is pretty expected. Unless you are a person who has had professional dealings with conflict management, you don't typically hear of conflict coaching.
Response #2 always makes me smile (at least, on the inside). It is so true that we look at relational difficulties through the lens of "it's the other person who's the difficult one." We forget that many times we are someone else's difficult person!
I've been most intrigued by the third response because I know whatever our walk of life, we encounter friction, confusion and conflict in some relationship. Work, family, church -- we don't escape it. So I continue to be curious about what makes us want to deny that.
It seems there's something about admitting we're not getting along with someone that makes us feel less than we think we should be. For whatever reason -- our position, our culture, our perceived expectations -- somehow we're supposed to be able to handle those difficulties, or maybe that they shouldn't even be happening. It's as if the level of conflict in our life is the measure of how capable we are.
But that's not true.
The reality is as long as we are moving through this life with other human beings, we will have difficult situations because we are not all clones. We are individuals. Each of us has our own thoughts, desires, and plans, and it is our shared task to learn how to be on this planet together.
Acknowledging we have conflict in our life is not a statement that means we've fallen short of something -- it's simply a declaration that we, too, are part of the human race.
DrK
If you have any thoughts about why we don't like to admit we have conflict in our life, I'd love to hear them!
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