Conflict and Love (First Do No Harm)

Let’s face it, when it comes to being loving in conflict, it’s quite a challenge.

So many dynamics are at play, and the self-protective instincts that kick-in are strong. The thought of trying to feel love for the other person is far away from our minds.

We can’t just leave it at that though, especially because often our relational conflicts are with the people that we love. 

We can take heart, because there is a part of loving that we can make choices about in conflict – the decision to do no harm to the other person.

Yes, we might feel angry, disappointed, frustrated and impatient, but it is possible to feel those things without using harmful words or harmful actions. We can stay in control of ourselves . While we may not be feeling love, we can certainly make the quality decision that we will not mistreat, abuse, or wound the people in our lives.

While this may seem like a daunting task, remembering three things will help:

1.  Remember you’re talking to someone you know and love, and that you’ve decided not to harm them in difficult conversations.

2.  Remember the other person is someone who is also experiencing the instability of the conflict. If you can remain somewhat stable, you will also be helping them stabilize too. 

3.  Remember you have choices. If you feel emotionally threatened, you do not have to harm the other person, you only have to stand firm in the choices you want to make.

If you let the firm decision to first do no harm guide your actions, you will be able to channel your power toward what you truly want to accomplish.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to first do no harm in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Freedom (Breaking the Chains)

Have you ever noticed this when you’re in a relational conflict:

As you keep reacting to the situation you feel less and less in charge of yourself and what you want to say?

As this happens, you experience a loss of freedom to engage how you want.

Most of us are aware of feelings of confusion, disorganization, and tension in conflict. We don’t always realize we are loosing liberty as well.

Recently, I attended a meeting with two other people; it was a volatile situation and emotions ran high. I keep reacting to what was said as we went along, and by the time it was over, I’d said things I didn’t want to say, and agreed to do things I didn’t want to do.

When I left that encounter, not only did I feel drained, but I felt completely bound and entangled. As I drove away in my car alone, feeling free to be me, all that I’d wanted to communicate came tumbling out aloud (with great emotion!)

When I calmed down, I knew the step I’d missed was not getting perfectly clear on my own goals for that meeting, and on what I wanted to communicate for myself before I got there.

If all you do is react when you’re in that kind of situation, you are in a defenseless position and the chains will eventually come. You will not have the freedom to be you in the situation, nor will you have the freedom to hear and accept others.

Take the time to know yourself in conflict situations. Know what you need to do to give yourself  solid ground from which to respond.

It can make all the difference in feeling free when you walk away.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to have freedom in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Disappointment (Perfection or Mastery?)

I've been a rower now for 13 years. One of my most significant rowing discoveries is that you never quite reach perfection with your stroke. (It's similar to life-long golfers -- they never stop working on their stroke either!)

This is because all of the other variables that surround you when you row are beyond your control. Things like the weather, the state of the water, or someone in your crew having an off-day, can affect your stroke at any given time.

So you practice in different situations and develop your ability to maneuver in many conditions. It is a state of continual learning.

Inexperienced rowers get discouraged about this when perfection is their goal. They expect to learn the techniques and then be finished with instruction. They don't understand how unrealistic this is. When they finally see that their target is not the perfect stroke but their own personal mastery as an oarsman, they become much more motivated.

This is how it is in dealing with conflict too. When you learn some conflict skills, but still have to execute them by trial and error, it can be discouraging. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's because of those variables in the conflict that you cannot personally control (like that other person!).

What you can control though is you, and you can absolutely become more skillful at handling conflicts and can develop mastery over many of the situations you face.

Letting go of the expectation that you will conquer the conflict issues that plague you once and for all, and allowing yourself to focus on increasing your command of impacting the world around you, will not only keep you motivated, it means you will definitely reach your goals!

DrK

If you'd like to talk about conflict mastery, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Conflict and Light (Watch Where You Step)

One summer when I was in college, I made a dear friend who was from Texas. He played football for his Texas college team and had a Texas-size heart. He seemed to make everything fun.

One evening we were walking to meet some friends and decided to take a short-cut through a forest. There was a lot of moonlight that night, but as we moved through the thick of the trees, he took my hand to guide me and said, "Only step where the light is -- you don't know what the dark places on the ground are."

In that moment, I didn't realize the life wisdom he was imparting to me. His instruction to step with care, and only move forward with the sure-footedness that came with clearly seeing the illuminated places ahead, has often been my inward counsel in navigating my way through what seem to be the forests of my life.

When it comes to conflict, the opposite mistake of continuing to tolerate on-going friction is to bulldoze your way through it without any thought, leaving a path of destruction in your wake.

While it is very tempting to simply overpower others in order to bring things to a close, the truth is, you are probably making the situation worse, and causing more pain.  

In those instances, you really do have to follow my friend's advice and not take a step until you check out the situation and know where you're headed. You need to investigate, consider your priorities, and have a clear plan for resolving things well.

Yes, it can feel frustrating to wait and move slowly down a conflicted road, but trust me, the light will come, and along with it will be the clarity and confidence you need to handle the situation masterfully.

DrK

If you'd like some help finding the light you need for your next step, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Conflict and Cost (The Heart of the Matter)

A familiar sales approach is when you want to sell something to someone, and they're not ready to pay your price to buy it, you talk about what it's currently costing them not to purchase your product.

As I thought about this perspective of current personal cost, I realized it doesn't even have to be in a sales context to be easily applied to the topic of destructive conflict, because cost (or pain) is truly at the heart of conflict's resulting sorrow.

When you have an on-going conflict situation, you do feel the cost on many levels. There's damage to the relationship, and to your own sense of self worth or confidence. Frequently, there's also a far-reaching ripple effect from the negative results, perhaps even monetary. 

However, making a monetary investment to enact change is far from being the first step with something like getting conflict help -- that comes much further down the road -- because continuing to tolerate the circumstances is just too easy (right?), and you get tired.

You allow it to become the new normal and you keep living with it -- completely loosing touch with the high price you're paying as each day passes.

Wanting to stop paying that price and make those ill-effects go away can be a form of motivation, but there is a higher road -- motivation rooted in wanting something more for your life - something better:

a life of peace, with good relationships, and a sense of actually getting to be the person you want to be.

Today, I want  you to think about yourself, your own wishes.

I want you to think about your ongoing difficult circumstances and what your tolerance is costing you (really costing you).

But instead of lecturing yourself about why those things should be taken care of, I want you to dream 
 . . . to envision what your life would be like without those circumstances -- what good things you'd be experiencing, what desires you'd see realized, what liberty you might know.

And then . . . simply let your heart get carried away.

DrK

If you'd like some help or support in finding your way to change, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
    
    

Independence Day (No, not the movie)

"...the day will be the most memorable...in the History of America--I'm apt to believe it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated as the Day of Deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shews, games, sports, songs, bells, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this time forward forever more."

These words are from a letter John Adams sent to his wife, Abigail, after the Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence. It is a passage I revisit every July 4th because it is a marvel to me to know that Adams' hopeful vision of how future generations would celebrate America's independence has, indeed, come to pass!

He goes on to say: "You will think me transported with enthusiasm but I am not--I am well aware of the Toil and Blood and Treasure, that it will cost us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States."

Similarly, I am mindful today of this cost to maintain our freedom and defend our country, and am truly grateful to those who have carried it -- and who will continue to pay it.

Adams adds, "Yet through all the gloom I can see the rays of ravishing light and glory. I can see the end is more than worth all the means."

As long as we flawed human beings comprise a country's people, preserving that country is a job that will never end, and, as we have experienced, it is quite a difficult one.

But as long as we Americans can keep our eyes on the rays of light and glory -- on the prize of freedom -- and maintain our gratitude for the blessings that are ours, we will be up for the task.

Happy Independence Day!

DrK

Confict and Resources (Four and Forty)

Something I've observed in watching my children grow up (they're young adults now) is that they have been who they are their whole lives. I see in them today the same characteristics, personality, and outlook that I've always seen -- when they were little, in high school, and now.

 I discovered that this thought was not unique to me when I recently heard a TV sitcom character exclaim, "Who we are at four, we are at forty."

Working with clients in conflict, I've learned it is important to acknowledge this, because what they often miss when tackling change is that their most valuable resources lie within them -- in what is already there, what they already know. In developing new conflict strategies, the goal is not to alter the essence of who you are, but to create a stronger you.

Just like those software updates for your technology, every new release is better than the one before (well, hopefully), but it's still the same basic operating system, program, or app you've come to love.

Wanting change in your life is often rooted in dissatisfaction -- something isn't working any more. No doubt you've experienced this. If you are currently dealing with a troubling situation though, don't let the dissatisfaction be with yourself -- as if there is something lacking in you, or somehow you need to be fixed.

Look at the negative circumstances and outcomes that are surrounding you, and use your unique energy to go toward changing them.

Recommit to what you have always valued, and what you know is right. Then tackle the task with just a little software update for that fabulous four year old you still are!

DrK

If you'd like some help in exploring the resources that are within you, contact me at

confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download