Showing Up

I've just returned from doing a presentation at a professional conference in Charlotte, NC. I traveled by air, so I spent some time in the Charlotte terminal. In the midst of the hustle and bustle there, a young man was playing the piano. People were rushing past him to make their flights -- not even looking at him -- yet he was using his gift as if he was playing in Carnegie Hall, giving his all to the performance. His music was so beautiful, it stopped me in my tracks. When I walked up to speak with him, the first words I blurted out were "Thank you for showing up today!" 

Showing up in life can be challenging -- particularly when our efforts don’t seem to be affecting anything, or possibly making the situation worse. This is particularly true in conflict with our families.  We are intimidated by the unknown effects that showing up will have on the conversation. We hold back from being fully ourselves: participating with our honest words, authentically saying what's going on with us.

So we don’t show up. Family patterns have already told us there are land mines ahead. 

That’s why I like to offer help in dealing with these dynamics when the holidays roll around. I'm inviting you to this year’s evening class on Thursday, November 16^th.  

For now, I'm encouraging you to embark on the Path of Showing Up. Take small steps. Resist sacrificing who you are in your relationships because of what might happen.

Bring your influence and unique contributions to the conversation. Each time that you do, you will have defined yourself a little more to the people in your life, and will have made your mark on what is taking place.

As with the young musician in Charlotte, 
no matter what is happening around you, being 100% you in the midst of it is more valuable than you think. 

DrK
If you'd like to know more about showing up in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

Where Are You?

If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This principle that Anne Lindbergh sums up is one that social scientists, scholars, and spiritual teachers have studied and written about for centuries. It is applicable in all human relations.

As we engage with one another, this is the order of things: knowing and being oneself first, then responding to others out of that understanding in meaningful and productive ways.

One reason we have such a difficult time when conflict happens is because we immediately begin to lose touch with ourselves. Our intentions become lost in our efforts to regain control of the conversation, and we start to deny our own perspectives or interests.

Holding on to yourself in those turbulent moments is quite a challenge!

Regaining your own thoughts is the first order of business in those situations. It will impact how you keep the circumstances from getting out of control, and will prevent you from losing your way in a complicated conversation.

When you feel yourself starting to go adrift, check in with yourself:

Are we still talking about the topic I brought up?

Am I still pursuing the goal I had in mind?

Am I still making choices here?

Then, go ahead and redirect the conversation as you feel necessary.

When you purpose to do this, you will be in a much better position to navigate what lies ahead.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about being yourself in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

It Only Takes One

It's October, a month that always signifies change to me as we begin to move toward Winter. Although the change at this time of year connects us with the world’s going to sleep, I feel the evolution dynamic Alexandra Elle expresses in her poem here:

evolution

feel. heal. grow.

that alone is

an act of rebellion.

explore. love. change.

that alone can lead to triumph.

The triumph of change is also a dynamic I associate with the power each one of us has to alter negative interactions in conflict.

It only takes one person doing something differently to influence a shift in the course of the conversation. You have significant power to impact what’s happening in those difficult moments simply by changing your own behaviors.

When you choose to change yourself – to change what you do – you change the whole paradigm from which you and those in your conflict are operating.

To put it simply:  change you, change the conflict.

Today I’m encouraging you to explore this idea and be rebellious. Be aware of the typical ways you respond to others when the going gets tough – and do something different!

Zig when you usually zag. Don’t take the bait when they push your buttons. Say how you‘re honestly feeling instead of shutting down. Change directions.

 . . and let even the smallest change lead you to triumph.

 DrK

  
If you'd like to know more about changing your conflict behaviors, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Hurricanes and Junk Food

We just went through Hurricane Irma here in Florida. We did all the prep work, endured the storm, and are in the process of recovery.

In comparing notes with my fellow Floridians, one thing we all seem to agree on is that when you go through a hurricane, you eat a lot of junk food – candy, snacks, soda, chips, Twinkies -- you name it.

I don’t know what it is about being cooped up in a storm that brings out the Junk Food Tiger in us, but it does, and when you let the tiger out, that’s the end of your disciplined, sensible eating.

Even if you don’t normally eat much of that stuff, you give yourself permission to when you’re doing your hurricane prep. You think, “Oh boy, a hurricane, I can buy junk food!”

For some reason, there’s a similar dynamic that gets activated when we’re in the midst of conflict. Under normal circumstances in our relationships, we would never think of saying vindictive words to one another. We wouldn’t automatically think the worst of someone we love. We would be caring toward them and be disciplined in our words.

And yet, when disagreements happen and things get heated, we start to feel the stirring of the Conflict Tiger within us. We may stay on top of things for awhile, but then we get frustrated, or the other person hurts us, and we give ourselves permission to let the tiger out. We lose control and become very hurtful people. We justify our behaviors because we are in the midst of a storm.

We Floridians can’t always calculate the harm that eating all the hurricane junk food does to us, but there is no question about the destruction that comes from losing control in conflict.

The truth is, you don’t have to succumb. When you feel yourself starting to allow your behavior to deteriorate, stop the conversation. Take a break. Find a way to gently tell the other person that perhaps you need to think about what’s been said so far and agree to rejoin them later.

Just like we hurricane people still have power over our food choices (the weather does not make us do it), you have power over your own behavioral choices. Don’t use the conflict hurricane as an excuse to wound others.

You are stronger than the storm.

 DrK

If you'd like to know more about taming your conflict tiger, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Understanding Your Capacity

There’s an old Mariah Carey song called “Hero” that makes the declaration a hero lies in each of us – one that is strong, and enables us not to be afraid of what we are.

As we live our lives, we all too often forget we are the Hero of our own story. We have many days when we feel like circumstances are carrying us along like white water rapids, and surviving is all we’re trying to do.

That is frequently how we view conflict too. We think, “I'll just get through it and pick up the pieces later.” Interpersonal dynamics are overwhelming, and we become more fearful than confident. Being a hero is the farthest thing from our mind.

The truth is, you do have hero power in conflict. You have choices that belong to you. You have influence on the direction the conversation’s going. You have a stake in the outcomes. You have the capacity to bravely stand for what you want and courageously show compassion to others.

Being a hero means being fully in charge of your own life, and using your ‘power’ for good. Two actions that are entirely possible in conflict, especially when you take the time to become skillful at them.

Answers to the conflicts of your life – and how you want to handle them – are inside your soul. Trust what is already there.

Stand tall. . . Go ahead – be the Hero!

DrK 

(A few of the lyrics)

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

If you'd like to know more about being your own hero in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

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The Great American Total Solar Eclipse Day

Happy Total Solar Eclipse Day!

I can’t seem to get my mind focused today as I’m waiting for the solar eclipse to take place this afternoon.

I know people who are able to be in the zone for the total eclipse today. We’ve been texting and excitement is mounting.

There’s just something thrilling about witnessing an uncommon event – to know it is happening and that many who have lived before us did not see it. (The last total solar eclipse was 38 years ago, and the last time a total eclipse was visible from coast to coast in the US was on June 8, 1918!)

In my reflection of the this day – and the emotion I’m feeling – I’m realizing how many “total eclipse” moments occur in our lives that we may not see as that.

Births of wonderful children, milestone birthdays, retirement after 40 years of faithful work, reunions with long lost friends whom we love – even meeting one of our favorite TV stars in a parking lot.  :)

Today I’m wishing you a fabulous time experiencing this exciting event and all the accompanying emotions!  Make those memories!

I’m also wishing you many more wonderful total-solar-eclipse-occasions in your life!

DrK

The Reinterpretation

Years ago I had a conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I feel that loss even now. It wasn’t the issue of disagreement that we couldn’t resolve; it was the negative motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my good (although mistaken) intentions, but nothing I said convinced her to change her beliefs. She was immovable. Hearing how entrenched she was in her refusal to accept my perspective, I felt helpless as I realized our relationship was slipping away.

I often think of that experience when I’m in conflict with someone and I don’t want to accept their premise that what I believe about their motives is inaccurate. In those moments it’s a struggle for me to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens to you, understand that accepting what they’re saying about their intentions doesn’t require you to deny what you’ve experienced, or invalidate your emotions resulting from their actions. You should address these effects and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of those outcomes.

However, you have no jurisdiction to judge their motives – the reasons behind their behaviors -- no matter how you feel. You cannot decide what is in another’s heart, and you must let go of planting that flag.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, and to reinterpret their behaviors, actually comes from a place of strength in you. It is an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, make the choice to value your relationship. Resist the temptation to be close-minded. Be open to hearing and accepting what they’re telling you. 

You may be saving more than you know.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about reinterpretation in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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Exploring Common Ground

I can hardly believe it’s August! Many schools are already into the new school year, and my county is starting back in one week! Where did the summer go?

Whether you have school-age children or not, the start of a school year still signals that summer playtime is over, and our world shifts to more structure and juggling more balls in the air.

Change is a major predictor of conflict. It can profoundly upset the carefully balanced mobile of your life, making you and the people around you susceptible to hot tempered flare-ups that can throw you off-kilter.

Happily, there is a quick way to find your footing when a skirmish ensues.

In evaluating conflicts, many mediation professionals begin their process by first identifying existing areas of agreement. They acknowledge there are issues, but they want to know what perspectives are shared, and where the point of disagreement first emerged.

You can do this too. Before jumping into a scuffle, take a few minutes to explore the possibilities of your common ground. Ask some questions first, such as

What do you want here that matters most to you?

            What are you seeing as an obstacle to that?

Internally check your response to see if you’re already on board with what they’re trying to achieve. 

Then ask yourself similar questions.

You might discover that you and others share goals and desires, but have different expectations of how to obtain them. Even if that’s not the case, this action will help you clarify the true issues, and give you a more effective starting point for your conversation.

It does require discipline to resist the temptation of immediately engaging in the conflict itself, but clearing away some misunderstanding right from the start will definitely make your efforts worthwhile.  

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to explore common ground in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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Christmas In July

It seemed like everywhere I turned this past month, someone was doing a “Christmas in July” event. Hallmark, QVC, and other retailers were tugging on our Christmas heartstrings and offering great deals for early Christmas shopping.

It's made me think about Holiday conflicts, and what a good idea it is to get an early jump on handling them before they’re upon you. By that time, you’re so inundated with holiday activities, your goal is to just "get through” any tough situations and put off dealing with them until next year. Preparing for the conflicts in advance is smart, but typically, the motivation to do this is low.

Psychologists tell us one of the biggest obstacles to our taking action on something that needs attention is the lack of a sense of urgency. Feeling the reality of a situation is what actually motivates us to make changes; the further our brain is removed from that reality, the more complacent we feel. If it seems there is no bigger pain on the horizon, it’s easy to stay stuck in the status quo.

This is certainly true of relational conflicts. We simply don’t want to do anything about them unless they are happening in the present moment.

In his book Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud suggests it is up to us to create that sense of urgency for ourselves. “You have to make your mind and heart feel the reality today that is surely coming tomorrow,” he writes.

You must think of the realities of the situation, and feel what it will be like to keep dealing with those same issues year after year (and at every Holiday season).

This week, do a little “Christmas in July” thinking. Help yourself feel the painful ways you’re relationships are not working for you. Allow your brain to envision what it would be like for circumstances to be better – and the relief it would bring. Take the action to learn something now that will make your holiday relations more peaceful.

Create that sense of urgency for yourself so you can be proactive, and get ready to be in charge when the 2017 Holidays arrive!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to prepare for holiday conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

The Other Side of the Story

Years ago I had a difficult conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I still feel the loss even now. The issue that originated our disagreement wasn’t what we couldn’t resolve, but the heart motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my intentions and perspectives, but nothing I said could convince her to change her negative beliefs. She was immovable. We had been friends for several years by then, and I felt such disappointment in her refusal to accept my side of the story.

I often think of that experience when I’m at odds with someone and I don’t want to accept that what I’m believing about them is inaccurate. In those moments, it’s a struggle to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens, what we need to remember is we don’t have to deny what we’ve experienced, or invalidate the emotions resulting from their actions.

It’s our beliefs about their motives – the reasons behind their behavior -- that we have no jurisdiction to judge. As sure as we may feel about it, we cannot truly know what is in another’s heart. We must let go of planting that flag.

We can address the effects their actions have had on us though, and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of that outcome.

Sitting across from my friend, hearing how entrenched she was in her viewpoint, I felt helpless as I realized we could not be friends anymore.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, to accept what they’re saying, and to genuinely try to reinterpret the situation comes from a place of strength in you. It is actually an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this place, make the choice to value your relationship. Be open to hearing what the other person is telling you, and consider that it just might be true. 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle your beliefs in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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Conflict and Expectations

Recently I was introduced to the idea that relationships mean expectations, and expectations mean conflict.

I started noticing that my tense relational situations were, indeed, rooted in unmet expectations.

During a brief skirmish with a family member, I realized it was because she was expecting me to do a certain task, but I was expecting her to do it. We were both frustrated.

Throughout the week, whenever I clashed with someone, I was aware it was because I was not meeting their expectations or vice versa.

This is actually a very good principle to understand in dealing with conflict.

When expectations clash, we don’t always recognize that’s what’s happening right away. Frequently we think the other person is being stubborn or uncaring, which then creates resentment in us, and the conversation starts to go down the wrong path.

For example, differing expectations about how to spend money could lead to one of you seeing the other person as stingy, and one of you seeing the other person as irresponsible. Instead of exploring your expectations and the desires stemming from them, you end up attacking one another about those character traits.

If you can keep this principle in mind – that contrasting expectations are probably fueling the conflict – you’ll be able to get to the heart of what’s truly happening rather quickly.

Granted, it is difficult to adjust your expectations. Yet, in a relationship, that is exactly what’s required. Using your communication to understand the dynamics that expectations introduce, and working together to adjust and/or meet them will definitely move you toward the outcomes you desire.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle expectations in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

 

Relief and the Tough Conversation

We all have them . . .

Those nerve-racking conversations that loom in our future, put a knot in our stomach, and keep a low level of anxiety with us every day. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Maybe you have to deliver bad news that will be heart-breaking for another person. Or maybe it’s good news (for you) but you know it will still alter the other person’s life and they won’t be happy about it. 

So you keep putting it off.

One of the ways to do this is by rehearsing what you’re going to say – over and over. You think that if you can get your wording right and be ready for what the other person might say, you can head off some of the terribleness you anticipate in coming face to face with the wave of emotions.

This is faulty thinking though. It is an illusion to believe it is within in our control to keep the conversation from being difficult. By the very definition of the task at hand, it is going to be troublesome – there's no escaping it.

So here are two things for you to remember:

1.         You just have to go ahead and wade into the deep water.

A little prep work does help. It is a good idea to take some time to collect your thoughts and consider your objectives. It is also a good idea to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you’re ready with some solid help for them.

           

But taking more and more time to do this will not change the future. Only tackling the conversation will.

2.         When you do this, great relief will be waiting for you.

No matter how distressing the encounter may go, the weight of the anticipation will lift off your shoulders. Instead of so much of your energy being utilized in dealing with dread and worry, now your energies will fuel forward movement – for you and for them.

This has continually been my experience – and I’m confident it will be yours too.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to face those tough conflict moments, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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The Here and Now

Cultivating mindfulness is a very popular topic these days. You’ve probably seen all kinds of books, quotations, and videos on how to do that, and on the benefits of staying in the present moment.

Conflict is a situation that contains a great pull for us to leave the present and shift to the past – often with gusto.

You might begin a conversation with an issue from the present, and you might even be able to stay in the moment for a while, but then when you feel you’re loosing ground, you bring out the big guns. You start talking about how the other person has hurt you in this way many times before, and you start firing off a well-nurtured list of all the related offenses they have committed.

And there you are again – stuck in the past. The power you sought was an illusion, and your words are useless.

Talking with someone about their current behavior, with the hope of a coming change, is a forward thinking conversation – it is future-focused. Actions you take toward that future are determined in the present. The past makes no contribution to this end. It is only a trap.

  

If you start to feel like your power is ebbing, you don’t need to bring up the past, you only need to stand your ground in the present moment.

You are the most powerful in the here and now.

Zero in on the goal of the present conversation and don’t be distracted. Resist going anywhere else with your thoughts. Remain intentional.

A little mindfulness doesn’t hurt either.

DrK
 

If you'd like to know more about how to hold on to the here and now in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Secret Agent

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.”  ~ Richard Bach

I have a friend who’s moving to Boston. It’s her first major move since she got married and had her two children. This has precipitated reflective conversations between us. We’ve talked about change and the season of chaos it can bring to one’s life, the scariness about not knowing what lies ahead, and the new possibilities – the “gift” as Richard Bach says – that will be coming to her and her family.

The agent of change in my friend’s circumstance is her husband’s new job, and it was their choice to make the change. Sometimes though, this is not the case when change comes to you.

Conflict is an agent of change. You may not have thought of it in that way, and it’s certainly not one you would choose.

Consider this though: conflict shakes up our status quo, takes us down unknown paths, and forces us to make decisions about living differently as we navigate them.

As it is with my friend’s move, along with the chaos and scariness, conflict brings new possibilities – for understanding, respect, and connection.

When you think about a conflict that you are experiencing, try looking at it from this perspective – that it is meant to have an active role in producing something new in your life.

Ask yourself two questions:

     What change is this conflict setting before me now?

     What is the “gift” in its hands that is there for me to discover?

You just might be surprised at what happens.

Dr.K 
If you'd like to know more about how to discover the gifts in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download