Conflict and Loss (Treasure in Your Midst)

Awhile back, I opened a fortune cookie from my Chinese take-out and the small piece of paper inside said, “Treasure what you have.”

What got me thinking was the word “treasure.” It wasn’t “remember” what you have, or “think about” what you have. The word used was “treasure” -- cherish, hold dear, prize. It spoke to me of more than simply listing what I might possess. 

 

Treasuring comes from a deeper place within us. We almost have to stop whatever it is we’re doing to treasure something, or someone, to actually think about the precious value that might be there.

Conflict is an experience that interferes with treasuring what we have. We so often walk away from it acutely feeling what we’ve lost -- confidence, respect, joy.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe we still have something to treasure.

I can assure you though --  you do. 

Even if it is only measured in moments . . .

A moment when you told the truth instead of lying

A moment when you resisted hurting the other person

A moment when you felt friendship.

When you focus on what you don’t have (or what didn’t happen), it weakens you. In that mindset, you’re operating from a deficit. When you recognize what you do have, you get stronger, and when you stop to value those things, that connection can strengthen you even more.

In the days to come, realize what you did hold on to in the midst of a difficult conflict – what you still have – and believe you do have something to treasure.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to discover your treasure in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Fire (Keep Your Light Burning)

Well, the Olympics are over (sigh) and what a grand couple of weeks we’ve had watching the real-life drama play out before our eyes. We witnessed so many stories of triumph and tragedy, hope and disappointment.

It was bittersweet for me to watch the big moment last night when the Olympic flame was extinguished.

The flame was a reminder to me that something bigger than our individual lives was taking place, and seeing it burning brightly evoked inspiration and energy. Watching the torch grow dark was a sad goodbye.

As I gazed at my tv, I couldn’t help but think of how often there are situations in our lives when we feel our own light go dark, when our love, warmth and passion are extinguished.   

Certainly relational conflict can be one of those times. All too often, the actions of the person with whom you are in conflict can result in your feeling diminished.  

Others may communicate that your desires are subordinate to what they want. Perhaps you find yourself losing self-control and becoming someone you don’t want to be. Maybe you are the one who uses the strategy of invalidating others in order to manipulate them.

Keeping your flame burning in your relational interactions is critical to both your success in resolution and your ability to walk away from a difficult situation with no regrets. 

It doesn't take much to do this:

Be convinced your thoughts, desires and goals are of equal importance with the others in the conflict, and keep them “on the table."

Continue to interact with behaviors that are authentically you; learn ways to stay in control.

Make the effort to help others keep their lamp lit as you work out solutions (this will fan your own flame).

Although we had to say goodbye to the Rio Olympic flame, don’t say goodbye to the flame of all that is good in you -- even in conflict.

Keep your fire ignited and burn, baby, burn!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about keeping your light burning in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
PS. I have no idea where all the code below came from! Technology, arrghhhh!

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Conflict and Strategies (Do You Have A Game Plan?)

One of the many things I’ve enjoyed about watching the Olympics as been the interviews with the athletes. I like hearing what their thoughts were as they performed their sport. The swimmers – in both individual and relay events – were very methodical as they approached their races, and had a strategy for how they wanted to swim. The rowers, too, had very intentional plans for executing their races.

  

Knowing that they want to succeed when they in engage in their sport, the athletes don’t leave the situation to chance. They make plans for how they’ll swim, or row, how they’ll pace themselves, when to shift gears and sprint.

I know in rowing, you don’t show up without a race plan.

When it comes to relational conflict, one doesn’t typically think of having strategies, or approaching it in a certain way (that seems to be reserved for negotiations). In dealing with difficulties that come from day to day interactions, the tendency is  to react and just barrel through them.

But why wouldn’t you have strategies for conflict too? Why wouldn’t you give it some thought and be ready with a strategic plan? Aren’t the goals of success and worthwhile engagement the same in a good relationship?

Simply paying attention to your own patterns of relating or how someone else reacts to your behaviors can give you enough information to think of a strategy for dealing with the difficulties.

Put yourself in a position to be effective and do well in conflict – have a plan for taking on those dynamics. Who knows? You might even medal in relationships!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about strategies in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Boundaries (Staying In Your Lane)

Today I’m celebrating Gevvie Stone’s Silver Medal in the single sculls and the USA Women’s Eight Gold Medal Win in Olympic Rowing on Saturday!  Congratulations, Team USA!

Such a beautiful sight– those six boats heading down that race course. You wouldn't know to look at them what it takes to steer the boat in that straight line and stay in the designated lanes.

As I watched the aerial views of the boats (and, the bird’s eye view of all the swimming events), I saw those lanes and thought about how helpful it is to have buoys floating in the water to make the lanes clear to the athletes and give them some bearings. Then I thought – wouldn’t it be great if we had such clear lane designations in relationships!

 

Boundaries work is a major part of developing conflict skills. As confusion sets in and clarity is lost, it can be easy  to cross into each others lanes. Perhaps you take on a responsibility that isn't yours, or others start making choices for you that you’re supposed to make. You might even substitute their thinking for yours. 

  
The psychological term for this is enmeshment – when you get entangled relationally -- it's like swimming in each others lanes.
You've probably experienced this. Somehow in those conflict moments you lose sight of that line that tells you where the other person ends and you begin.
  

Clarifying boundaries – learning how to recognize them and to identify when they get crossed – can contribute to positive results in conflict. Skillfully maintaining the lines that help you function autonomously can produce a sense of self-control that leads to confidence.

Even if you’re not an athlete whose sport has clear lanes in which to compete, you do have a lane for living your life that is only yours. Finding a way to stay in it (and teach others how to keep out of it) will make it possible for you to steer a straight line in your life’s race.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about boundaries in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Control (How Is Your Weather?)

The Olympic Rowing events were cancelled today due to the weather conditions (sigh).

Rowing canceled as skies darken over Rio Olympics

Anyone who participates in outside sports knows you are at the mercy of the weather. In rowing, too, it can be quite disappointing to show up for your race and find that the weather has made other plans for you (this has happened to me at a few regattas).

When you’re a rower, you practice being a master oarsman in all kinds of weather conditions because on race day you have to be ready for anything. It is tough though when the wind is so bad that the race gets cancelled. The weather is simply something you can’t control. 

There is a factor in relational conflict that’s like that uncontrollable weather in sports: the other people. You can feel as prepared and confident as possible as you start to work with them, but they can behave in ways that totally interfere with your abilities to keep things on track. Sometimes, perhaps to your dismay, their behavior brings the conversation to an abrupt end.

The inspiration to take from today’s scheduled rowers is their response to the situation.

What do you think those Olympians did with their day? Did they say, “Oh good, a day off to go sightseeing”?

My guess is that they used today as another opportunity to train (inside). They worked to maintain their strength and endurance levels; they kept their bodies conditioned, and then, they probably took some time to rest.

Do the same when you hit the turbulence in a relational exchange that signals you have hit something beyond your control and you’re not going to do what you had hoped. Understand there are still a few things within your own grasp.

Maintain your vision; maintain your skills. Seek out a different context so you can keep moving. Rest.

Then, like the rowers in Rio, you'll be just as ready to take up the race when it gets rescheduled!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about responding to conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download