Remembering On This Day

This Monday morning I am thinking of all of the men and women who have given their lives so that I can write this blog -- and live -- in freedom.

I am humbled by their sacrifice.

When I think of what they have done, I really don't know if I have that kind of courage myself, and I am in awe of the sacredness of their actions.

My prayers are for those who mourn today, those who will be honoring these lives of loved ones who have given this measure of devotion. I hope that a grateful nation doing the same will comfort them.

I am remembering too . . .

A hilltop at Arlington National Cemetery and the Air Force Memorial

Conflict and Authority (Who's The Boss?)

If you've spent any time around little children at play, you know that when one of them starts to get too pushy, another child finally says, "You're not the boss of me!"

Children learn at a very young age there is someone who exercises control over how they behave. They are very clear about who that is (generally their parents), and they are not willing to give that authority to anyone else.

As we grow into adulthood, the developmental task for all of us is to move from the child's perspective of "someone else is the boss of me," to I am the boss of me." We learn to shift the location of the control of our actions from someone external to us to our own inward authority.

Generally, this development of what psychologists call "personal authority" goes relatively well. When conflict starts happening though, we often find ourselves in an adult conversation with a person who becomes like that pushy child, telling us what to do, and challenging the jurisdiction we have over our actions.

Do you sometimes lose sight of the fact that you are the authority for your life? (Or maybe you're the pushy one!)

When you feel this happening, be as convinced as that little child at play about to whom the authority belongs. Remember that you are the boss of you -- you have executive power -- and stay in charge of your choices.

As Pema Chodron writes, "You are the sky. Everything else -- it's just the weather."

DrK

If you'd like to learn more about developing your personal authority, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com or on Facebook

Conflict and Position (Above And Not Beneath)

There's a lot of talk in the conflict world about position, particularly in the context of negotiation, but position can be a dynamic in everyday conversations too.

We feel it when we're talking with a supervisor, or instructor -- someone whose office ascribes authority to them. We may also feel it in our family, talking to our parents, or an Aunt. These kinds of positions seem natural and right to us, and in most cases, we are called upon to respect them.

There is another kind of position, however, of which we need to be aware. It is the sense of our own personal position as we move through this world -- the belief that we don't have to apologize for who we are, or for looking at life the way that we do.

In conversations (especially difficult ones), it's the difference between standing up straight and looking the other person in the eye, or cowering, and shrinking back from what we want.

Standing "Above" -- On Top of Ireland's Cliffs of Moher

Among the list of blessings God declares to his people in the Bible is the verse that says, "You shall be above only and not beneath" (Deuteronomy 28:13). I like those words; for me, they seem to be a succinct phrasing of the position I'm describing.

You don't have to believe in the Bible to consider this concept, for it is the dignity and worth of every human being that awards us this position -- a position to be recognized and respected as we speak with one another. Sometimes we get to feel this from others as we interact with them, but more often than not, it falls to us to be self-respecting in our behaviors.

The next time you are in a difficult conversation and become aware that your position is slipping from above to beneath, make the shift in your mind, and do what you need to reinstate it. Stand taller, raise your chin, speak with a firm, measured voice. (Remember to afford the other person this respect too!)

Be assured, regardless of any other type of positional dynamics that may be present, you are above only -- simply because you're you.

DrK

For more practical strategies on how to live above and not beneath, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com  and sign up for my offer with a complimentary session.

Conflict and Transformation (Do I Really Have To Change?)

Change is something that is always linked with conflict.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, one way these two things are related is in how conflict invariably results from a change in circumstances.

There is also another kind of change that is coupled with conflict, the change that happens to us personally as a result of experiencing the event.

We are all changed by conflict -- we can't escape it. It brings us the opportunity to either grow and become better people, or to become further entrenched in our destructive behaviors.

In studying conflict, I have learned that personal transformation is actually one of the most effective means of becoming more skillful at handling relational difficulties. When you change the way you participate, you change the conversation.

Improving your own perspectives and having personal strategies to put into action insure you are in a position to do conflict well. You become more adept by changing yourself instead of only knowing behavioral formulas. You are able to maneuver in all kinds of situations.

Most people don't really want to hear that the best thing they can do to be better at conflict is to change themselves. This is understandable, transformation work is definitely more challenging than following a list.

But if you truly would like to become a Jedi in handling your conflict moments, opening your heart and mind to new perspectives and new skills -- being a different you -- will bring changes that will last. Changes that will move you toward mastery.

DrK

Conflict Maneuvers (Small Adjustments)

My last post was about strengthening your core to keep your balance; this one is a related thought.

If you've ever tried to keep your body balanced while walking on a curb as if it was a balance beam, or tried to ride a bike without holding onto the handlebars, you know that once you establish your equilibrium you must still maintain it as you move forward. You start moving your arms up and down, or adjust your core, and are constantly make the necessary movements.

Have you noticed that you only need to make small adjustments with your body to stay balanced? In fact, if you make too big of an adjustment, it can actually cause you to fall.

This law of small adjustments is applicable in the relational context as well.

What's interesting is that in the physical world, it's easy to see that small adjustments are best; they feel natural. When we experience being off-balance in conflict conversations though -- when that mental or emotional stability is affected -- small adjustments feel counter intuitive to us.

In that moment of sudden instability our first instinct is to make a huge gesture -- something with a lot of power behind it. Then we quickly discover that the big reaction was not helpful  It only pushes us more off-kilter, sometimes even in the opposite direction.

I recently experienced this myself in a conversation when my emotional equilibrium was thrown off. My adjustments were too big and they took me where I didn't want to go. The also created additional difficult dynamics which required considerably more work from me to get things back on track.

If we understand the law of small adjustments, we can learn how to temper our reactions. We can see that we don't need to use as much emotion in our words, or go on the offensive so strongly.

We can recognize that the small adjustments to maintain our personal balance can contribute to keeping the balance (and the peace) in the bigger relationship picture.

The discipline for small adjustments certainly takes practice (like riding that bike without using your hands!), but it's good to know it can be a pathway to successful conversations.

DrK

If you'd like some help learning how to make small adjustments in your life, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- or my Facebook page

Conflict Equilibrium (Keeping Your Balance)

Balance is a word that has several meanings. It can refer to bodily equilibrium, or to mental steadiness and emotional stability. It has also been defined as a state of rest.

Experts tell us that if we want to improve our physical balance, we should focus on strengthening our core muscles -- the ones located in our torso -- because these are the muscles that provide the support for the spine and pelvis.

Putting our arms out like an airplane is actually not the essential element to maintaining our balance. How we use these core muscles dictates our power to evenly distribute our weight and remain upright and steady.

Keeping our balance in conflict is quite similar to maintaining our bodily balance. When we experience equilibrium in a relationship -- both internally for us as individuals, as well as between us and the other person -- we enjoy that state of rest and our relational interactions are good. But when something knocks us off-balance -- a look, a remark, an unexpected emotion -- our stability is compromised.

The remedy for improving our mental and emotional steadiness in these conversations is the same as the body work: we strengthen our core, the innermost part of who we are -- our values, our desire for protecting the relationship, our determination to hold on to respectful behaviors. When these guide our actions, they keep us stable in the flux of those moments.

If we learn how to strength our core abilities, we can find ways to keep our composure and cultivate a habit of calm behavior even in the midst of shifting emotions.

Your core abilities for your own equilibrium are always with you. In the times when you're not seeing them, remember they are there, and use them as that primary key to keeping your balance.

DrK

If you'd like to explore some practical help with strengthening your core abilities, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com

Conflict, Image and Family (oh my!)

clipartion.com

People in families tend to assign specific characteristics to one another, especially as the family is developing. We hear it all the time: "she's the baby," "he's the cut-up," "he's the serious one," "she's the ringleader." Before too long, we become aware of the image our family has assigned to us -- one that we may or may not like -- and we find that we continue to labor with that image in the family dynamics through out the years. We either enjoy being seen that way, or we are constantly trying to break out of it.

An extention of this occurs in conflict too. I'm sure you've experienced the moment when you realize the other person in the conflict has settled on how they want to view you. They fix that image in their mind and, more often than not, have a very hard time letting any new information you're trying to give them alter that image.

Of course, we have to notice we do the same thing to other people too, and have just as difficult a time allowing ourselves to see them in a different light.

Although you may feel like a salmon swimming upstream during the interaction, the trick is not to allow the assignments of others dictate how you behave. If you want them to see you differently, understand that your behaviors must line up with your values and purposes -- and that you must be consistent in those behaviors.

Being successful in overcoming what has been ascribed to you is certainly a challenge. What matters most is being convinced of the truth about yourself and determining what image you want to accept as you participate in your relationships. 

Conflict (and family) dynamics are pretty complex, but if we have our facts straight, we can find a clear picture of what we believe as we deal with them -- and hopefully cultivate the willingness to change our images of others too!

DrK

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?) Part 5

Myth #5  Conflict presents a problem to be solved and resolution only means coming up with a solution to that problem.

(The myth part here is the word, 'only')

Problem-solving and ending up with some sort of agreement between two people is a very common approach to conflict; it is the way most people think about it. Believing this is the only path to resolution though can commit you to tunnel vision, and can possibly move you toward a power struggle for the solution (which may not necessarily bring about genuine resolution).

Sometimes resolving a conflict simply means getting to the place where you both can peacefully talk about the issue and not fight about it. Sometimes it means finally gaining an accurate understanding of what each of you is experiencing.

The truth is, the people involved in the conflict define what the conflict is -- and what resolution is. They determine these things for themselves. 

You will rule in this if you pay attention to what matters to you in prescribing these things. It could be restoring the connection that was broken between you and the other person; maybe you only want the opportunity to express your self and feel like they've heard you.

This goes for the other person too -- they need to think along the same lines for themselves -- and even if your ideas of resolution can't quite accommodate one another's, agreeing to disagree can be a form of resolution as well.

You might be someone who is really good at problem-solving and would like things to be neatly executed when all is said and done -- and there's nothing wrong with that. What I'm suggesting here is that you open your mind to other ways of thinking about this, to other possibilities. You might end up "resolving" more than you think!

DrK

Hopefully you've gotten a few ideas from this myth-busing series. If so, I'd love to hear about them.
Comment here, or contact me at www.confidentconflict.com. 

 

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?) Part 4

Myth #4  Acknowledging that my actions have hurt the other person is agreeing with them about my motives.

Believing this myth will lock you into a defensive posture in conflict every time.

When a person is trying to tell us how our actions have hurt or offended them, we start self-justifying and make the conversation all about why that's not true. We stop listening to them, and our energies become focused on explaining ourselves.

We do this, in part, because we think if we concede we've hurt them, it means we have to agree to the rest of what they're saying about us.

The truth is, acknowledging they are hurt or offended does not mean you are automatically agreeing to the motives or intentions they are ascribing to you. Nor does it mean you are responsible for fixing how they feel. It is simply allowing their experience to become part of the conversation. 

You can rule in this by still communicating how you experienced the event and addressing your own motives and objectives, while continuing to understand that others feel the way they do, regardless of your intentions for the outcome of your behaviors. 

It's like this -- your actions are your actions, and nobody else's. If your behaviors hurt someone, you need to be secure enough to own that and recognize what has happened with the other person. Chances are you did impact them somehow if they are saying you did.

Go ahead and attend to their feelings. It is not a broad admission of guilt. it is simply being aware of another human being's plight, and honestly accepting the role you've played in it.

You'll be surprised how showing this consideration can shift the conversation in a more positive direction.

DrK

If you'd like to learn more about how to practically acknowledge another person's feelings, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- and sign-up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?) Part 3

Myth #3 If I'm the one who initiates the conversation on a topic that causes conflict, then I am 100% responsible for the communication.

Believing this myth keeps people avoiding difficult conversations and speaking up about things that bother them. (And why wouldn't it? Who'd want to take on all that?)

It is also a belief that get reinforced by the people in your life who want you to be 100% responsible  -- and tell you that you are!

The truth is, you are only responsible for yourself and your communication -- for the words you say, the way that you speak, how you treat others in your conversations -- and others are responsible for themselves in the same way.

In a discussion, both people share responsibility for the communication -- asking questions, being open, having self control -- and however it goes, both people have a role in it.

Yes, it's tough when a conversation you initiate goes awry, but that is always a possibility, since keeping things balanced depends on the other person too.


You are at complete liberty to express any topic you want. If it turns into a conflict because the other person doesn't like it, so be it.

Rule in this by checking yourself and how you're behaving. Check your attitude, make sure you're not being contentious -- then leave the other 50% on their side of the room.

DrK

If you'd like more help with keeping clear on your communication responsibilities, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- and sign up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule.

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?) Part 2

Myth#2  You have to be angry in order to be powerful in conflict.

Often when start to feel weak in a conflict, we believe we need to show more anger so that we can regain some of our power. Holding on to your anger might make you feel like you have power, but the truth is, an angry person is actually a weak person.

When you're angry, you can become out of control; anger can overtake you, and you can say things you regret later. That's not power at all.

The way to rule in conflict is with the power that comes from inner strength, from having self control. Strength in conflict comes from believing that your desires and goals deserve equal consideration in the event, and being calm, but firm in your behaviors.

True power is:

• being absolutely convinced you always have a choice about what you will -- and will not -- accept in your conversations
• electing to stop speaking yourself and actively listen to the other person as you allow them to speak
• being strong enough to both value your own needs in the situation and consider what the other person is asking of you.

The next time you're tempted to believe this myth, remember the faulty thinking that it is, and don't go for the anger.

Rule by being a stronger you!

~DrK

To learn more about holding on to your power in conflict, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- and sign up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule.
  

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?)

When I started my doctoral work, I was delighted to learn that many of the things I thought about conflict were myths. In discovering my misconceptions, I gained some new understanding and found myself in a greater position of strength to handle my relational turbulence. Hopefully, a few of these posts will do the same for you.

So . . . are you ready to rule?

Myth #1  Conflict is always something that takes you by surprise, that you have no control over, and cannot anticipate.

The truth is, a very large percentage of conflicts are completely predictable (who knew?). If you think about it, many of the conflicts you have in your life are part of a reoccurring pattern. By now, you've lived long enough (or lived with someone long enough) to know exactly what your hot buttons are, or how you may approach events differently than other people in your life. You may even keep having the same conversations.

Armed with all that information, and a lifetime of observations, you can definitely anticipate and prepare for what might happen in familiar situations. (Why you don't do this is a different blog post :)

The most significant predictor of conflict is change -- a shift in circumstances -- a new job, a new boss, changing schools, moving across town. When you, and the people around you, are trying to adjust to change, conflict happens. I'm sure you've experienced this many times.

So the good news is we can plan ahead -- right? (Why we don't is yet another post!)

We all know conflict is inevitable, but unsubscribing to the myth that we are totally at its mercy can provide opportunities for you to be proactive and skillfully handle many of the conflicts that may come your way.

~ DrK

To learn more about being proactive in conflict, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com  -- and sign up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule.