Confilct and You (An Orlando Sat. Workshop!)

(picture found at smaarttartslearning.blogspot.com)

Putting Humpty Together Again

Optimistic Conflict Tools

For the Holidays and Beyond

In a couple of weeks, I’m hosting an interactive Saturday morning workshop in Orlando to jumpstart your Holiday prep!  (Click here for more details)

I’ve entitled it “Putting Humpty Together Again” because one of the first discoveries you will make is the optimism that these principles can bring to your life.

We will talk about practical tools for the holidays, but the goal of our work is a new way for you to be all year long.

My posts the next couple of weeks will be a little preview of the content, and will hopefully generate a few thoughts of your own. 

If you’re in the Orlando area on October 15^th come join me for some peace, love, and coffee! 

DrK

Confident Conflict 

Conflict and Context (What Were You Thinking?)

Have you ever experienced being in a tense conversation with someone, then it takes an abrupt turn, and it feels like you are talking about two different things?

More often than not, it’s because you are coming at the issue from two different mindsets. You haven’t established the context of your conversation.  

Context refers to the surrounding circumstances that form the setting for your thoughts and perspectives. It plays a major role in understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know the context of the other person’s comments, you cannot fully understand what they are communicating. To be successful in your communication, you have to clarify the frame of reference -- both yours and theirs. 

For example, you are talking with your boss, with whom you have a very friendly relationship. You are relating to her as a friend. However, your boss is in the employer zone and thinking of you strictly as an employee.

 You are saying sentences that would fit in either context, but eventually, something will be said by one of you that doesn’t fit. This can cause confusion, offense, or conflict.

When you experience this realization that you are talking at cross-purposes with someone, let context be one of your first thoughts. Stop the conversation, and take a moment to clarify the background that is giving the meaning to your interaction.

Ask questions appropriate to the situation, such as:

Are we talking friend to friend here, or boss to employee?

Wait, is this about something I’ve done, or something you want to make happen?

Are you wanting to resolve this now, or do you just want to let me know what's on your mind?

Remembering about context will not only help with confusion, it will save you and those around you the time you'd spend going in the wrong direction.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to work with context in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Confict and Words (Speak Life)

Not too long ago, I was getting ready for church and listening to Pandora, when

TobyMac’s song, “Speak Life” began playing. As I listened, I was reminded of 
the gravity of our words:

 "Though it's crazy, amazing
We can turn a heart with the words we say.
Mountains crumble with every syllable.
Hope can live or die . . .

So speak Life, speak Life.
To the deadest darkest night.
Speak life, speak Life.
When the sun won't shine and you don't know why.
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted;
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope,
You speak love, you speak life . . ."

The song’s lyrics nudged me once again to recognize the serious responsibility we have to speak in way that will build up and not tear down. Sadly, too often I forget this, and the crest-fallen look on the face of my child, my colleague, or my friend, brings me back to that realization.

This is never truer than when we are in conflict. We can be so reckless with our words in those moments, and crushing another’s spirit becomes inevitable. Your speech is either a sword or a soothing balm. It is within your grasp to make the right choice for what it will be, even in conflict.  

Today I am reminding you of the life-and-death power you hold in your words, and I’m urging you to be keenly aware of using those words for life – no matter what the circumstance.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to speak life in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Defensiveness (Who Me?)

One of the dynamics in conflict that can quickly derail a problem-solving conversation is defensiveness. When you start defending yourself, you shift your focus to doing that instead of solving the issue at hand.

As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors or viewpoint, and your energies then go toward self-justification, or trying to be right. 

When you feel criticized, resist your urge to defend. Go in a different direction instead -- move toward the other person.  Instead of putting up the blockade, open yourself up to hearing them.

They have just told you how they are experiencing you, and, believe it or not, they are in need of help. Acknowledging their perspective is not an admission of guilt. It is simply recognition of another human being’s situation. Open up the dialogue even more, don’t shut it down.

For example, the other person says: “You always accuse me of saying something I never said. That is not what I told you.”  

Instead of defending whether or not you make those accusations, or arguing about whether they did or didn’t say something, change it up:

“I can see why you would feel that way. It’s not surprising we’d  both remember things differently when we talk since we’re different people. Tell me again now what you said and what you want to be sure that I understand.”

Think of this principle the next time you start to get defensive.

Take a breath, lean into what is being said, create some understanding, and stay on track.

Dr. Kay

If you'd like to know more about how to resist defensiveness in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Grace (It's Stronger Than You Think)

How many times have you hurt someone, or your actions angered them, and you truly just made a regrettable mistake that you wished you could erase? Didn’t you long for them to show you mercy and allow you to quickly make it right?

These are the instances you have to remember when someone else in your life offends you in this way. Remember how it was for you and extend grace to them.

Let Grace Fall Like Rain

Contrary to what you might believe (that this would be a sign of weakness), choosing to grant grace comes from a place of strength and security. It is a power that belongs only to you. When you realize you are in a position to give grace to another person – and you do – you use this power for good.

As you grant grace (and maybe mercy) to the one with whom you are in conflict, you interject gentleness into the situation, and you enable that person to lower their defenses.

It is a powerful act.

Do it when you can.

Make a clear decision to give grace this week – even if it’s only to the out-of-state driver who cuts in front of you. Allow yourself to experience the power that comes from this act of kindness.

DrK

P.S. And be sure to let yourself off the hook when you’re the one who needs the grace – being human definitely has its tough moments!

If you'd like to know more about how to extend grace in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download