Your Autofocus

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

~Soren Kierkegaard

If you’ve ever used the Autofocus on your phone camera, you know that means the lens is positioned to focus on the object nearest to you in the frame. Surprisingly, this is a good illustration for what we should try to do in an emotionally difficult  conversation.

When we’re working through an issue with someone, and we have relationship history with them, it’s very easy to bring up the past. We grab onto past incidents to strengthen our own arguments (and the other person does too). Unfortunately, it only makes matters worse.

You then leave the present reality that you can affect, and become stuck in the past that you cannot change.

Autofocus is the answer. :)   

Photo by Nareeta Martin

Set your focus on what is nearest to you: the conversation in the moment, what is being said in the here and now.  Deal directly with what is at hand, not all of the other related conversations that may have happened in the past (those need to remain a blur).

For example, if you’re talking with your teenager who says, “You never listen to me – you didn’t listen when I told you . . .  or when I said . . . “ (you get the picture), don’t be pulled in to that conversation. Stay in autofocus mode. Instead, say something like, “Maybe so, but I’m listening now. I want to understand what you’re trying to tell me today, in this conversation.” 

As with any relational dynamic, you only have control over your own communications. If the other person won’t stay in the present dialogue, you can’t force them.

But you can still practice, and the more you practice, the more quickly you’ll flip that autofocus switch on for yourself!

DrK 
If you'd like to discover more about how to autofocus in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

The Obstacles Are The Path

Recently I was listening to a roundtable discussion among motion picture directors. They spoke of learning to accept the unexpected detours in their moving-making as part of the process for their intended film. Then, one director referenced a Zen proverb, remarking that the obstacles were the path.

This is often our experience when we encounter conflict in our relationships. We view disagreements as obstacles to our being successful. We believe that if we are moving in the right direction, with all developing happily, we are on the right path. When conflict happens, we think something has gone wrong.

As the directors discovered though, conflicts are not pulling us off the true path for what we’re hoping to create. The conflicts are the path. Depth and intimacy in a relationship are formed through acceptance, understanding, and trust. These qualities are shallow and one-dimensional if they’re built solely on our own viewpoint, our own beliefs about the other person. It’s necessary for us to “bump into each other” and experience the crucible that produces a new, multi-dimensional connection.

I am absolutely not saying that hurtful, destructive fighting is necessary in a relationship! (Which is why I’m dedicated to teaching you how to do conflict well).  What I am saying is the obstacles of controversy actually do function to move you forward in creating the relationship you desire.

As you’re making the movie of your life, I’m encouraging you to adjust the camera lens of how you might be viewing your detours – not only the conflicts in your relationships, but any closed door you encounter.

When you run into them, be at peace. Remind yourself, this is the way forward.

Remind yourself, you’re still on the path.

Cheers to you – knowing the truth about obstacles!

DrK 
If you'd like to discover more about handling those obstacles in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

 

Those Goliath Moments

Learning how to handle conflict can be tricky. Usually when we don't know how to do something, we seek the instruction of experts and learn the skills for success in that area. Applying those principles in the practical settings of our life though, often presents a new challenge.

In the biblical account of David and Goliath (1Samuel 17), a young shepherd faces off with Goliath, a formidable combatant who intimidates the Israelite armies. David fights Goliath in the name of his Lord with only a slingshot and stones from a nearby stream -- and kills him, much to the astonishment of all.

As David was getting ready for the battle, King Saul put his own armor on David, along with his helmet and sword. David took some time to walk around in it all and see how he could maneuver. Then he took everything off, declaring he could hardly move. So to arm himself, he picked up what were proven weapons for him: his shepherd's staff, his slingshot and five stones.

Even though the king (the battle expert) was saying to David, "You need armor, a helmet and a sword to fight,” (these weapons had proven to be successful for Saul) when it came time for David to face Goliath himself, he had to rely on what he knew worked in his own experience. 

As you prepare for those Goliath times in your life, don’t try to walk around in someone else's armor. Definitely learn the principles and skills that will effectively empower you in the midst of conflict, but also trust what you already know about yourself. 

Engage with others in a way that is authentically you. Discover the behaviors that are the best fit for who you are and trust your own "slingshot and stones."

Cheers to you – choosing what works best!
DrK

If you'd like to discover more about what works best for you in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download