Christmas In July

It seemed like everywhere I turned this past month, someone was doing a “Christmas in July” event. Hallmark, QVC, and other retailers were tugging on our Christmas heartstrings and offering great deals for early Christmas shopping.

It's made me think about Holiday conflicts, and what a good idea it is to get an early jump on handling them before they’re upon you. By that time, you’re so inundated with holiday activities, your goal is to just "get through” any tough situations and put off dealing with them until next year. Preparing for the conflicts in advance is smart, but typically, the motivation to do this is low.

Psychologists tell us one of the biggest obstacles to our taking action on something that needs attention is the lack of a sense of urgency. Feeling the reality of a situation is what actually motivates us to make changes; the further our brain is removed from that reality, the more complacent we feel. If it seems there is no bigger pain on the horizon, it’s easy to stay stuck in the status quo.

This is certainly true of relational conflicts. We simply don’t want to do anything about them unless they are happening in the present moment.

In his book Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud suggests it is up to us to create that sense of urgency for ourselves. “You have to make your mind and heart feel the reality today that is surely coming tomorrow,” he writes.

You must think of the realities of the situation, and feel what it will be like to keep dealing with those same issues year after year (and at every Holiday season).

This week, do a little “Christmas in July” thinking. Help yourself feel the painful ways you’re relationships are not working for you. Allow your brain to envision what it would be like for circumstances to be better – and the relief it would bring. Take the action to learn something now that will make your holiday relations more peaceful.

Create that sense of urgency for yourself so you can be proactive, and get ready to be in charge when the 2017 Holidays arrive!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to prepare for holiday conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

The Other Side of the Story

Years ago I had a difficult conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I still feel the loss even now. The issue that originated our disagreement wasn’t what we couldn’t resolve, but the heart motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my intentions and perspectives, but nothing I said could convince her to change her negative beliefs. She was immovable. We had been friends for several years by then, and I felt such disappointment in her refusal to accept my side of the story.

I often think of that experience when I’m at odds with someone and I don’t want to accept that what I’m believing about them is inaccurate. In those moments, it’s a struggle to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens, what we need to remember is we don’t have to deny what we’ve experienced, or invalidate the emotions resulting from their actions.

It’s our beliefs about their motives – the reasons behind their behavior -- that we have no jurisdiction to judge. As sure as we may feel about it, we cannot truly know what is in another’s heart. We must let go of planting that flag.

We can address the effects their actions have had on us though, and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of that outcome.

Sitting across from my friend, hearing how entrenched she was in her viewpoint, I felt helpless as I realized we could not be friends anymore.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, to accept what they’re saying, and to genuinely try to reinterpret the situation comes from a place of strength in you. It is actually an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this place, make the choice to value your relationship. Be open to hearing what the other person is telling you, and consider that it just might be true. 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle your beliefs in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Expectations

Recently I was introduced to the idea that relationships mean expectations, and expectations mean conflict.

I started noticing that my tense relational situations were, indeed, rooted in unmet expectations.

During a brief skirmish with a family member, I realized it was because she was expecting me to do a certain task, but I was expecting her to do it. We were both frustrated.

Throughout the week, whenever I clashed with someone, I was aware it was because I was not meeting their expectations or vice versa.

This is actually a very good principle to understand in dealing with conflict.

When expectations clash, we don’t always recognize that’s what’s happening right away. Frequently we think the other person is being stubborn or uncaring, which then creates resentment in us, and the conversation starts to go down the wrong path.

For example, differing expectations about how to spend money could lead to one of you seeing the other person as stingy, and one of you seeing the other person as irresponsible. Instead of exploring your expectations and the desires stemming from them, you end up attacking one another about those character traits.

If you can keep this principle in mind – that contrasting expectations are probably fueling the conflict – you’ll be able to get to the heart of what’s truly happening rather quickly.

Granted, it is difficult to adjust your expectations. Yet, in a relationship, that is exactly what’s required. Using your communication to understand the dynamics that expectations introduce, and working together to adjust and/or meet them will definitely move you toward the outcomes you desire.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle expectations in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download