The Fear of Being You

Frequently, when we avoid conflict, our fears play a major role in dictating our behaviors.  We might be afraid the other person will hurt us, afraid that what we want to happen won’t happen, afraid of the seemingly out of control chaos that conflict brings.

One of the earliest fears we may encounter is the fear that if we say what we want to say in a conversation it will start a conflict. This fear is not just about conflict, it goes deeper. It’s a fear about being ourselves and the impact that has on others.

This situation presents a crossroad to you  – if you go one way, a conflict may begin. If you go another way, you might feel regret, or a loss of freedom.

Try to remember it’s not necessarily an all-or-nothing decision. You are in charge of what you say, and for how long.

You can take it a step at a time. You can calmly speak up and say what you’re thinking. You might find it goes well, and continue the conversation. If things start to get heated, you’ll know additional emotional dynamics have entered the picture and you can pull back at any time.

Afterwards, you can review how it went, make some observations, and maybe go a little further in the future.

Certainly there are times when it is wise to watch and wait if we’re sensing a conflict brewing. However, if you’re avoiding saying what you think, or offering your perspective, because you’re afraid that being who you are might create tension, then let yourself take a small risk. Start to find the path leads to being you – courageously.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to courageously be you in relationships, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

The Evolution of Learning

One of the most significant reasons we avoid conflict is because we don’t like how we feel afterwards, and we don’t want to feel that way again.

We usually have regrets about how the conflict went – how we behaved, what we did or did not do -- and we second-guess the whole interaction.

Perhaps the deadliest phrase we can beat ourselves up with after conflict is “why did I let that happen, I should have known better.”

Nothing good comes from regret, but this statement is doubly futile. Not only because we always see things more clearly in hindsight, but because it is the actual act of that conflict which gives us the learning we needed.

When we engage in a situation with another person, we may think we already know how we’re going to feel or react; but usually we’re mistaken. We discover that we feel something different, we do something different, and we find out something about ourselves we didn’t know before.

What is important to see here is, this is exactly the way we learn. We have a new experience. We react to it. We discover what did and didn’t work, and, voila!, we have new learning.

The truth is, you didn’t “know better” at the time of the conflict.

After the conflict though you have learned – about yourself, the other person, and about that particular conflict situation – and you’ve learned what was missing before. 

Pay attention to that. Is there some kind of knowledge or skill you were lacking that could help you in a similar future situation?

Consider how you will implement that learning the next time around. (You can be sure, there’ll be one!)

If you’re tempted to think in hindsight that you should have known better at the time of a conflict, remember that you couldn’t have.

But you’re not completely off the hook – you definitely know better now!

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about picking up some conflict skills, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Beyond Survival

Have you ever been in a situation when you were just trying to survive? Things were coming at you so furiously and changing so fast, that survival was all you could manage?

Then, someone came along who had been through the same thing. They shared their knowledge and gave you the insights and tools to handle your circumstances. They showed you not only how to survive the situation but also how to competently maneuver within it.

Interpersonal conflict can certainly be one of those situations. When conflict hits, it does seem like all you can do is hold on tight and simply survive. As you see your interactions deteriorating, competently navigating them is the last thing on your mind!

This is the trouble with merely surviving conflict though, it’s not enough to enable you to walk away feeling satisfied with how you handled it. Doing something the way you want to requires more. It requires your being authentically in charge.

Today I’m offering you the perspective that there is an art to doing conflict. There are dance steps to learn, techniques for producing light and shadow, a way of looking for the contrasting colors.

There is a whole world beyond conflict survival, and it holds the promise of masterfully being you! 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about navigating conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download