Train That Dragon!

You may have heard it said, “If you want a change, make a change.” It’s a smart mantra, but when we try to apply that to an anxiety-producing environment, the idea can be pretty daunting.

Difficult face-to-face conversations sometimes fall into that category. It’s usually because we‘re anticipating conflict and we’re afraid we won’t know how to handle it. This is a fairly common view and why so many of us avoid those dialogues. 

Since the event involves another person (and they’re a wild card), we mistakenly think we can’t affect how the interaction will go and we don’t always see the power we have on our side.

The truth is, you have what it takes to handle the circumstances – you just need a chance to figure that out.

You’d be surprised at how much you already know – about yourself, and about them:

Your buttons they regularly push (because they’ve learned which ones work)

The poor communication habits that already exist between you (like interrupting each other)

Historical patterns of behavior (they don’t seem to listen to you)

Take a quiet moment; think about the information you have, and choose just one thing you can do differently – something that you know would be good to do with that particular person.

For example,

Decide you’re going to count to 10 when your buttons are pushed (and dodge that bullet).

Take a deep breath and slow down when you’re tempted to interrupt (or maybe when they’ve just interrupted you). 

Make it a point to actively listen to their needs first (it will calm them down so you can talk).

It’s remarkable how giving a little forethought to the situation can be transforming.

Then, tackle that conversation, believing things will be different, and they will be – because you are.

Cheers to you – discovering the power within!

DrKay 

If you'd like to discover more about how to train your dragon, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 
 

Curing Defensiveness

The other day I was trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the keys down.

(I’m sure you’ve experienced this before too.)

It reminded me of what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself instead of resolving the issue at hand.

When we’re in this moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept where they’re taking you.

You can easily deflect whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to discuss this problem.”

Of course, the pull to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you could cause further damage.

When you feel the urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay focused, and keep going toward what you need.

Cheers to you – resisting defensiveness and hitting your mark!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  




  

Acquainted With Grief

I’ve noticed lately what the women I serve seem to value the most from me isn’t my communication expertise, or the practical skills I offer for dealing with their conflicts, but the fact that I’m acquainted with the grief they’re experiencing.

I know how it feels to finally get up the courage to address something problematic with someone you care about and discover they’re completely indifferent to what you’ve said.

I know how unnerving it is to sincerely express what you need in a relationship and have the conversation blow up in your face because the other person decides the best defense is a good offense.

I know the despondency that comes from trying to have a conversation with someone who’s hurt you about how you’d like to remedy the situation, only to walk away realizing they totally disregarded your topic and you were the one who ended up apologizing to them!

I’m familiar with the losses in those moments regardless of your loving intentions – loss of confidence, power, clarity, and faith.

I‘m also acquainted with what it takes to hold on to yourself in those affairs of life – to push yourself to try again, to valiantly recover your faith that you can  do something different, to refuse to abandon what matters to you even in the face of the adversity that may come.

 As long as we live on this planet with other human beings, these conversations will continue; but despite this fact, I know there is great hope that their outcomes can be changed.

In case you’ve forgotten, remind yourself today of who you want to be in this world, and don’t give up on becoming her.

Because what I know for sure (as Oprah says), when you’re ready, you will change the story.

Roaring, thunderous cheers to you – Being Brave!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to change those tough conversations, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download  

 

You're In Charge

You won’t change the story of your relationships until you reclaim 

your authority to write it.

Many times we realize we want something to be different in our relationships – we want to make a change – but somehow this thought never gets translated into action.

Not understanding the personal authority we possess is one of the central barriers to confidently undertaking this effort.

When I use the term, personal authority, I’m defining it as total dominion over yourself to:

Dictate your own choices

Say “no” when that’s what you want to say, and to say “yes”

Regulate what you’re not willing to accept in your relationships – and what you are

Determine the culture of your sphere of influence

Take a minute to think about this today. Do you recognize yourself in these statements? Which ones? Which ones have you forgotten you own?

Let 2019 be the year you take hold of this truth – especially in the areas where you have abdicated your rule. 

When you’re facing tough situations with the people in your life, remember the authority that already belongs to you. Not with the intention to overpower them, but so you can have assurance for the jurisdiction of your actions.

This will enable you to function from a place of confidence and security. Best of all, it will open your heart to compassion and love.

Cheers to you – understanding your authorship!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to access your personal authority, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Ebook Download