The Evolution of Learning

One of the most significant reasons we avoid conflict is because we don’t like how we feel afterwards, and we don’t want to feel that way again.

We usually have regrets about how the conflict went – how we behaved, what we did or did not do -- and we second-guess the whole interaction.

Perhaps the deadliest phrase we can beat ourselves up with after conflict is “why did I let that happen, I should have known better.”

Nothing good comes from regret, but this statement is doubly futile. Not only because we always see things more clearly in hindsight, but because it is the actual act of that conflict which gives us the learning we needed.

When we engage in a situation with another person, we may think we already know how we’re going to feel or react; but usually we’re mistaken. We discover that we feel something different, we do something different, and we find out something about ourselves we didn’t know before.

What is important to see here is, this is exactly the way we learn. We have a new experience. We react to it. We discover what did and didn’t work, and, voila!, we have new learning.

The truth is, you didn’t “know better” at the time of the conflict.

After the conflict though you have learned – about yourself, the other person, and about that particular conflict situation – and you’ve learned what was missing before. 

Pay attention to that. Is there some kind of knowledge or skill you were lacking that could help you in a similar future situation?

Consider how you will implement that learning the next time around. (You can be sure, there’ll be one!)

If you’re tempted to think in hindsight that you should have known better at the time of a conflict, remember that you couldn’t have.

But you’re not completely off the hook – you definitely know better now!

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about picking up some conflict skills, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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