The Great American Total Solar Eclipse Day

Happy Total Solar Eclipse Day!

I can’t seem to get my mind focused today as I’m waiting for the solar eclipse to take place this afternoon.

I know people who are able to be in the zone for the total eclipse today. We’ve been texting and excitement is mounting.

There’s just something thrilling about witnessing an uncommon event – to know it is happening and that many who have lived before us did not see it. (The last total solar eclipse was 38 years ago, and the last time a total eclipse was visible from coast to coast in the US was on June 8, 1918!)

In my reflection of the this day – and the emotion I’m feeling – I’m realizing how many “total eclipse” moments occur in our lives that we may not see as that.

Births of wonderful children, milestone birthdays, retirement after 40 years of faithful work, reunions with long lost friends whom we love – even meeting one of our favorite TV stars in a parking lot.  :)

Today I’m wishing you a fabulous time experiencing this exciting event and all the accompanying emotions!  Make those memories!

I’m also wishing you many more wonderful total-solar-eclipse-occasions in your life!

DrK

The Reinterpretation

Years ago I had a conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I feel that loss even now. It wasn’t the issue of disagreement that we couldn’t resolve; it was the negative motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my good (although mistaken) intentions, but nothing I said convinced her to change her beliefs. She was immovable. Hearing how entrenched she was in her refusal to accept my perspective, I felt helpless as I realized our relationship was slipping away.

I often think of that experience when I’m in conflict with someone and I don’t want to accept their premise that what I believe about their motives is inaccurate. In those moments it’s a struggle for me to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens to you, understand that accepting what they’re saying about their intentions doesn’t require you to deny what you’ve experienced, or invalidate your emotions resulting from their actions. You should address these effects and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of those outcomes.

However, you have no jurisdiction to judge their motives – the reasons behind their behaviors -- no matter how you feel. You cannot decide what is in another’s heart, and you must let go of planting that flag.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, and to reinterpret their behaviors, actually comes from a place of strength in you. It is an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, make the choice to value your relationship. Resist the temptation to be close-minded. Be open to hearing and accepting what they’re telling you. 

You may be saving more than you know.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about reinterpretation in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Exploring Common Ground

I can hardly believe it’s August! Many schools are already into the new school year, and my county is starting back in one week! Where did the summer go?

Whether you have school-age children or not, the start of a school year still signals that summer playtime is over, and our world shifts to more structure and juggling more balls in the air.

Change is a major predictor of conflict. It can profoundly upset the carefully balanced mobile of your life, making you and the people around you susceptible to hot tempered flare-ups that can throw you off-kilter.

Happily, there is a quick way to find your footing when a skirmish ensues.

In evaluating conflicts, many mediation professionals begin their process by first identifying existing areas of agreement. They acknowledge there are issues, but they want to know what perspectives are shared, and where the point of disagreement first emerged.

You can do this too. Before jumping into a scuffle, take a few minutes to explore the possibilities of your common ground. Ask some questions first, such as

What do you want here that matters most to you?

            What are you seeing as an obstacle to that?

Internally check your response to see if you’re already on board with what they’re trying to achieve. 

Then ask yourself similar questions.

You might discover that you and others share goals and desires, but have different expectations of how to obtain them. Even if that’s not the case, this action will help you clarify the true issues, and give you a more effective starting point for your conversation.

It does require discipline to resist the temptation of immediately engaging in the conflict itself, but clearing away some misunderstanding right from the start will definitely make your efforts worthwhile.  

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to explore common ground in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download