The Reinterpretation

Years ago I had a conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I feel that loss even now. It wasn’t the issue of disagreement that we couldn’t resolve; it was the negative motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my good (although mistaken) intentions, but nothing I said convinced her to change her beliefs. She was immovable. Hearing how entrenched she was in her refusal to accept my perspective, I felt helpless as I realized our relationship was slipping away.

I often think of that experience when I’m in conflict with someone and I don’t want to accept their premise that what I believe about their motives is inaccurate. In those moments it’s a struggle for me to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens to you, understand that accepting what they’re saying about their intentions doesn’t require you to deny what you’ve experienced, or invalidate your emotions resulting from their actions. You should address these effects and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of those outcomes.

However, you have no jurisdiction to judge their motives – the reasons behind their behaviors -- no matter how you feel. You cannot decide what is in another’s heart, and you must let go of planting that flag.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, and to reinterpret their behaviors, actually comes from a place of strength in you. It is an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, make the choice to value your relationship. Resist the temptation to be close-minded. Be open to hearing and accepting what they’re telling you. 

You may be saving more than you know.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about reinterpretation in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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