Being at Cross-Purposes

One of the earliest signs that a conversation with someone is starting to derail is when their response to what you’ve said doesn’t seem to make sense; it doesn’t seem to correspond with your words.

 I’m sure you’ve experienced that moment, because you immediately feel some confusion.

This is a signal to you that you both are coming at the conversation with two different minds, going after two different goals -- and you may be at cross-purposes.

What we typically do when this happens is keep talking -- and hope that eventually whatever is happening will get sorted out. 

The trouble with that is it never does because you both continue to talk from your own vantage point. 

When you first start to feel this confusion, the remedy is to stop the conversation and do a little checking in. Tell the other person you’re concerned you might not be talking about the same thing, and ask them how they are approaching the subject.

Hearing their thoughts will actually help identify your own mindset and will enable you to then communicate it with some clarity.

At that point, make it your goal simply to try and get on the same page with each other about exactly what it is you’re trying to accomplish in your discussion so you can move forward in sync.

This won’t eliminate possible future communication difficulties, but it will get you back on track for a while.

The key is do it early -- don’t wait until you’re both frustrated from the friction. You’ll be surprised how much it helps.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about checking in during conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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