The Other Side of the Story

Years ago I had a difficult conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I still feel the loss even now. The issue that originated our disagreement wasn’t what we couldn’t resolve, but the heart motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my intentions and perspectives, but nothing I said could convince her to change her negative beliefs. She was immovable. We had been friends for several years by then, and I felt such disappointment in her refusal to accept my side of the story.

I often think of that experience when I’m at odds with someone and I don’t want to accept that what I’m believing about them is inaccurate. In those moments, it’s a struggle to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens, what we need to remember is we don’t have to deny what we’ve experienced, or invalidate the emotions resulting from their actions.

It’s our beliefs about their motives – the reasons behind their behavior -- that we have no jurisdiction to judge. As sure as we may feel about it, we cannot truly know what is in another’s heart. We must let go of planting that flag.

We can address the effects their actions have had on us though, and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of that outcome.

Sitting across from my friend, hearing how entrenched she was in her viewpoint, I felt helpless as I realized we could not be friends anymore.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, to accept what they’re saying, and to genuinely try to reinterpret the situation comes from a place of strength in you. It is actually an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this place, make the choice to value your relationship. Be open to hearing what the other person is telling you, and consider that it just might be true. 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle your beliefs in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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