Conflict and Expectations

Recently I was introduced to the idea that relationships mean expectations, and expectations mean conflict.

I started noticing that my tense relational situations were, indeed, rooted in unmet expectations.

During a brief skirmish with a family member, I realized it was because she was expecting me to do a certain task, but I was expecting her to do it. We were both frustrated.

Throughout the week, whenever I clashed with someone, I was aware it was because I was not meeting their expectations or vice versa.

This is actually a very good principle to understand in dealing with conflict.

When expectations clash, we don’t always recognize that’s what’s happening right away. Frequently we think the other person is being stubborn or uncaring, which then creates resentment in us, and the conversation starts to go down the wrong path.

For example, differing expectations about how to spend money could lead to one of you seeing the other person as stingy, and one of you seeing the other person as irresponsible. Instead of exploring your expectations and the desires stemming from them, you end up attacking one another about those character traits.

If you can keep this principle in mind – that contrasting expectations are probably fueling the conflict – you’ll be able to get to the heart of what’s truly happening rather quickly.

Granted, it is difficult to adjust your expectations. Yet, in a relationship, that is exactly what’s required. Using your communication to understand the dynamics that expectations introduce, and working together to adjust and/or meet them will definitely move you toward the outcomes you desire.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle expectations in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
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