The other day I was
trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept
struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a
little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the
keys down.
(I’m sure you’ve
experienced this before too.)
It reminded me of
what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in
your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other
person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing
the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of
conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself
instead of resolving the issue at hand.
When we’re in this
moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person
wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You
have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept
where they’re taking you.
You can easily deflect
whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s
something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to
discuss this problem.”
Of course, the pull
to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward
self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to
achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you
could cause further damage.
When you feel the
urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from
what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay
focused, and keep going toward what you need.
DrK
If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com
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