Curing Defensiveness

The other day I was trying to pull off a sweater while I was holding some keys in my hand. I kept struggling to get my fist through the sleeve, even stretching the sweater a little, when I realized what I needed to do was unclench my fist and set the keys down.

(I’m sure you’ve experienced this before too.)

It reminded me of what happens when trying to have a problem-solving conversation with someone in your life and defensiveness comes on the scene. As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors, or challenge how you’re viewing the situation. Immediately, you’re on the defensive, and your intended topic of conversation is quickly derailed. You shift your focus to defending yourself instead of resolving the issue at hand.

When we’re in this moment, one of the key principles we forget is just because the other person wants to put you on the defensive, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have an equal say in the direction of the conversation; you don’t have to accept where they’re taking you.

You can easily deflect whatever they say with a response as simple as, “It sounds like that’s something else we definitely have to talk about, but right now, we need to discuss this problem.”

Of course, the pull to defend is very strong and everything in you wants to go toward self-justification, but like my keys story, it will be a struggle for you to achieve the original outcome you’re hoping for if you hold onto that, and you could cause further damage.

When you feel the urge to defend, recognize it as a deterrent from what you truly want to discuss. Unclench your hold on defending yourself. Stay focused, and keep going toward what you need.

Cheers to you – resisting defensiveness and hitting your mark!

DrK

If you'd like to discover more about how to resist being defensive, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com  




  

Conflict and Defensiveness (Who Me?)

One of the dynamics in conflict that can quickly derail a problem-solving conversation is defensiveness. When you start defending yourself, you shift your focus to doing that instead of solving the issue at hand.

As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors or viewpoint, and your energies then go toward self-justification, or trying to be right. 

When you feel criticized, resist your urge to defend. Go in a different direction instead -- move toward the other person.  Instead of putting up the blockade, open yourself up to hearing them.

They have just told you how they are experiencing you, and, believe it or not, they are in need of help. Acknowledging their perspective is not an admission of guilt. It is simply recognition of another human being’s situation. Open up the dialogue even more, don’t shut it down.

For example, the other person says: “You always accuse me of saying something I never said. That is not what I told you.”  

Instead of defending whether or not you make those accusations, or arguing about whether they did or didn’t say something, change it up:

“I can see why you would feel that way. It’s not surprising we’d  both remember things differently when we talk since we’re different people. Tell me again now what you said and what you want to be sure that I understand.”

Think of this principle the next time you start to get defensive.

Take a breath, lean into what is being said, create some understanding, and stay on track.

Dr. Kay

If you'd like to know more about how to resist defensiveness in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

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