More About First Steps:Taking the Risk

I have a new friend – I like her a lot.

We are working on an Orlando community project together and I'm enjoying getting to know her.

However, I am keenly aware I'm experiencing the conflict avoidance case I mentioned as #1 in my last post. I don’t want to do anything to cause friction between us when we’re working. I don’t want to disagree with her, and sometimes, I don’t want to give her my opinion if it’s different from hers. I want our interactions to only be positive. (How unrealistic is that?!)

The trouble is, I am also aware that I’m not being me.

When we avoid conflict in a relationship for reasons like this, we think we are fostering the growth of the relationship by keeping the peace; but the reality is, we are stunting its growth. If you are not authentically you when you connect with other people, it only creates false relationships. They think they're getting to know you, but they're not.

In my case, if being a caring friend to this woman is my desire, it’s more beneficial to her if I engage honestly, even if it makes waves. She deserves to know the real me. She needs to know that I do have opinions, and that I have something to offer our friendship. 

(From my 2016 ME calendar)

The consistent goal can’t be "favorable” interaction -- it needs to be “honest” interaction.

 I realize it’s hard to take the risk to be yourself if you think conflict will ensue. For example, I could think, “If I’m really me and we have disagreements, she might end our association when the project is over."

That could certainly happen (I do have my own sorrows from past experiences like this), but it is worth the risk to know the truth -- and maybe end up with a great new friend after all!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about being you in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com
for a complimentary conversation.

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

   

First Steps

If we’re going to talk about helping you develop new confidence for engaging with conflict, the first step is to explore why you want to avoid it. Although you may have personal reasons for doing this, there are some common explanations you may identify with too. Here are a few:

1.  Not wanting want to rock the boat in a relationship because you want the other person to like you -- particularly if you really like them.

2.  Believing in peace at all cost. Not wanting to have negative conversations so that you can keep the relationship peaceful and tension-free. 

3.  You don’t want to hurt the other person (and there’s a good chance you will if you say what’s on your mind).

4.  Avoidance is the course of least resistance; you get too tense or scared when a conflict erupts. You’d rather refrain from saying anything and absorb the negativity.

We think avoiding conflict means avoiding negative circumstances in our life. The truth is, avoiding the conflict just creates a different kind of negative impact for you. You feel an internal frustration and discouragement, or you give up something that matters to you. Essentially, you're only trading one distressing situation for another.

Our faulty thinking tells us if we avoid the conflict, the issue will go away, but you’ve probably already experienced that it doesn’t. Generally, it ends up bringing more destruction than it would have in the beginning.

If you are a person who avoids conflict, these thoughts probably aren’t enough to motivate you to do anything differently in the days ahead.

It’s ok – that’s another conversation.

For now, let yourself start to think about this part of it. When you find yourself in a potential conflict situation and you avoid it, collect some data. See if you can figure out what made you run in the other direction – what were the details that bothered you?

It is a beginning step. 
DrK

If you'd like some help exploring your conflict avoidance, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download