First Steps

If we’re going to talk about helping you develop new confidence for engaging with conflict, the first step is to explore why you want to avoid it. Although you may have personal reasons for doing this, there are some common explanations you may identify with too. Here are a few:

1.  Not wanting want to rock the boat in a relationship because you want the other person to like you -- particularly if you really like them.

2.  Believing in peace at all cost. Not wanting to have negative conversations so that you can keep the relationship peaceful and tension-free. 

3.  You don’t want to hurt the other person (and there’s a good chance you will if you say what’s on your mind).

4.  Avoidance is the course of least resistance; you get too tense or scared when a conflict erupts. You’d rather refrain from saying anything and absorb the negativity.

We think avoiding conflict means avoiding negative circumstances in our life. The truth is, avoiding the conflict just creates a different kind of negative impact for you. You feel an internal frustration and discouragement, or you give up something that matters to you. Essentially, you're only trading one distressing situation for another.

Our faulty thinking tells us if we avoid the conflict, the issue will go away, but you’ve probably already experienced that it doesn’t. Generally, it ends up bringing more destruction than it would have in the beginning.

If you are a person who avoids conflict, these thoughts probably aren’t enough to motivate you to do anything differently in the days ahead.

It’s ok – that’s another conversation.

For now, let yourself start to think about this part of it. When you find yourself in a potential conflict situation and you avoid it, collect some data. See if you can figure out what made you run in the other direction – what were the details that bothered you?

It is a beginning step. 
DrK

If you'd like some help exploring your conflict avoidance, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

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