Conflict and Defensiveness (Who Me?)

One of the dynamics in conflict that can quickly derail a problem-solving conversation is defensiveness. When you start defending yourself, you shift your focus to doing that instead of solving the issue at hand.

As tensions mount, the other person might criticize you for your behaviors or viewpoint, and your energies then go toward self-justification, or trying to be right. 

When you feel criticized, resist your urge to defend. Go in a different direction instead -- move toward the other person.  Instead of putting up the blockade, open yourself up to hearing them.

They have just told you how they are experiencing you, and, believe it or not, they are in need of help. Acknowledging their perspective is not an admission of guilt. It is simply recognition of another human being’s situation. Open up the dialogue even more, don’t shut it down.

For example, the other person says: “You always accuse me of saying something I never said. That is not what I told you.”  

Instead of defending whether or not you make those accusations, or arguing about whether they did or didn’t say something, change it up:

“I can see why you would feel that way. It’s not surprising we’d  both remember things differently when we talk since we’re different people. Tell me again now what you said and what you want to be sure that I understand.”

Think of this principle the next time you start to get defensive.

Take a breath, lean into what is being said, create some understanding, and stay on track.

Dr. Kay

If you'd like to know more about how to resist defensiveness in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

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