Conflict & The Rearview Mirror

One afternoon, I was driving down the left lane of the interstate and a big black truck came zooming up behind me. I knew he wanted me to move over to the right, but another car was quickly coming up that lane too. I felt hemmed in.

The truck was bearing down on me and I kept trying to signal him to give me some space. Finally, the right lane cleared and I could move over.

After the truck whizzed past me, I realized I’d driven the last mile or two looking in my rearview mirror. I’d barely glanced at the traffic ahead of me.

I thought of how dangerous that had been. I was distracted from focusing on the most important task driving at that speed: watching what was happening in front of me. I’d given the truck driver power to maneuver me into a position that wasn’t safe for me, or for the others on the road. 

 

photo by Pranam Gurung     

This is something that can happen in conflict too. When emotions run high, we can begin to feel pressure from the other person to behave a certain way. Their urgency begins to dictate our actions. 

Our focus shifts to what they’re doing when it should be on our intentions for the conversation, making our own choices. The distraction often leads to outcomes that are detrimental to us.

Can you recall when this may have happened to you? (I know I can!).  

The next time you’re in a difficult conversation, be mindful of this dynamic. Focus your attention on where you want to go, not on where you’re allowing the other person to take you.

Remember your desires are important and stick with actions that demonstrate safe compassionate concern – for you and for them.

Cheers to you – keeping your eyes on the road ahead!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about staying focused in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

 

Showing Up

I've just returned from doing a presentation at a professional conference in Charlotte, NC. I traveled by air, so I spent some time in the Charlotte terminal. In the midst of the hustle and bustle there, a young man was playing the piano. People were rushing past him to make their flights -- not even looking at him -- yet he was using his gift as if he was playing in Carnegie Hall, giving his all to the performance. His music was so beautiful, it stopped me in my tracks. When I walked up to speak with him, the first words I blurted out were "Thank you for showing up today!" 

Showing up in life can be challenging -- particularly when our efforts don’t seem to be affecting anything, or possibly making the situation worse. This is particularly true in conflict with our families.  We are intimidated by the unknown effects that showing up will have on the conversation. We hold back from being fully ourselves: participating with our honest words, authentically saying what's going on with us.

So we don’t show up. Family patterns have already told us there are land mines ahead. 

That’s why I like to offer help in dealing with these dynamics when the holidays roll around. I'm inviting you to this year’s evening class on Thursday, November 16^th.  

For now, I'm encouraging you to embark on the Path of Showing Up. Take small steps. Resist sacrificing who you are in your relationships because of what might happen.

Bring your influence and unique contributions to the conversation. Each time that you do, you will have defined yourself a little more to the people in your life, and will have made your mark on what is taking place.

As with the young musician in Charlotte, 
no matter what is happening around you, being 100% you in the midst of it is more valuable than you think. 

DrK
If you'd like to know more about showing up in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

Where Are You?

If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This principle that Anne Lindbergh sums up is one that social scientists, scholars, and spiritual teachers have studied and written about for centuries. It is applicable in all human relations.

As we engage with one another, this is the order of things: knowing and being oneself first, then responding to others out of that understanding in meaningful and productive ways.

One reason we have such a difficult time when conflict happens is because we immediately begin to lose touch with ourselves. Our intentions become lost in our efforts to regain control of the conversation, and we start to deny our own perspectives or interests.

Holding on to yourself in those turbulent moments is quite a challenge!

Regaining your own thoughts is the first order of business in those situations. It will impact how you keep the circumstances from getting out of control, and will prevent you from losing your way in a complicated conversation.

When you feel yourself starting to go adrift, check in with yourself:

Are we still talking about the topic I brought up?

Am I still pursuing the goal I had in mind?

Am I still making choices here?

Then, go ahead and redirect the conversation as you feel necessary.

When you purpose to do this, you will be in a much better position to navigate what lies ahead.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about being yourself in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

It Only Takes One

It's October, a month that always signifies change to me as we begin to move toward Winter. Although the change at this time of year connects us with the world’s going to sleep, I feel the evolution dynamic Alexandra Elle expresses in her poem here:

evolution

feel. heal. grow.

that alone is

an act of rebellion.

explore. love. change.

that alone can lead to triumph.

The triumph of change is also a dynamic I associate with the power each one of us has to alter negative interactions in conflict.

It only takes one person doing something differently to influence a shift in the course of the conversation. You have significant power to impact what’s happening in those difficult moments simply by changing your own behaviors.

When you choose to change yourself – to change what you do – you change the whole paradigm from which you and those in your conflict are operating.

To put it simply:  change you, change the conflict.

Today I’m encouraging you to explore this idea and be rebellious. Be aware of the typical ways you respond to others when the going gets tough – and do something different!

Zig when you usually zag. Don’t take the bait when they push your buttons. Say how you‘re honestly feeling instead of shutting down. Change directions.

 . . and let even the smallest change lead you to triumph.

 DrK

  
If you'd like to know more about changing your conflict behaviors, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Hurricanes and Junk Food

We just went through Hurricane Irma here in Florida. We did all the prep work, endured the storm, and are in the process of recovery.

In comparing notes with my fellow Floridians, one thing we all seem to agree on is that when you go through a hurricane, you eat a lot of junk food – candy, snacks, soda, chips, Twinkies -- you name it.

I don’t know what it is about being cooped up in a storm that brings out the Junk Food Tiger in us, but it does, and when you let the tiger out, that’s the end of your disciplined, sensible eating.

Even if you don’t normally eat much of that stuff, you give yourself permission to when you’re doing your hurricane prep. You think, “Oh boy, a hurricane, I can buy junk food!”

For some reason, there’s a similar dynamic that gets activated when we’re in the midst of conflict. Under normal circumstances in our relationships, we would never think of saying vindictive words to one another. We wouldn’t automatically think the worst of someone we love. We would be caring toward them and be disciplined in our words.

And yet, when disagreements happen and things get heated, we start to feel the stirring of the Conflict Tiger within us. We may stay on top of things for awhile, but then we get frustrated, or the other person hurts us, and we give ourselves permission to let the tiger out. We lose control and become very hurtful people. We justify our behaviors because we are in the midst of a storm.

We Floridians can’t always calculate the harm that eating all the hurricane junk food does to us, but there is no question about the destruction that comes from losing control in conflict.

The truth is, you don’t have to succumb. When you feel yourself starting to allow your behavior to deteriorate, stop the conversation. Take a break. Find a way to gently tell the other person that perhaps you need to think about what’s been said so far and agree to rejoin them later.

Just like we hurricane people still have power over our food choices (the weather does not make us do it), you have power over your own behavioral choices. Don’t use the conflict hurricane as an excuse to wound others.

You are stronger than the storm.

 DrK

If you'd like to know more about taming your conflict tiger, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Understanding Your Capacity

There’s an old Mariah Carey song called “Hero” that makes the declaration a hero lies in each of us – one that is strong, and enables us not to be afraid of what we are.

As we live our lives, we all too often forget we are the Hero of our own story. We have many days when we feel like circumstances are carrying us along like white water rapids, and surviving is all we’re trying to do.

That is frequently how we view conflict too. We think, “I'll just get through it and pick up the pieces later.” Interpersonal dynamics are overwhelming, and we become more fearful than confident. Being a hero is the farthest thing from our mind.

The truth is, you do have hero power in conflict. You have choices that belong to you. You have influence on the direction the conversation’s going. You have a stake in the outcomes. You have the capacity to bravely stand for what you want and courageously show compassion to others.

Being a hero means being fully in charge of your own life, and using your ‘power’ for good. Two actions that are entirely possible in conflict, especially when you take the time to become skillful at them.

Answers to the conflicts of your life – and how you want to handle them – are inside your soul. Trust what is already there.

Stand tall. . . Go ahead – be the Hero!

DrK 

(A few of the lyrics)

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

If you'd like to know more about being your own hero in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

The Great American Total Solar Eclipse Day

Happy Total Solar Eclipse Day!

I can’t seem to get my mind focused today as I’m waiting for the solar eclipse to take place this afternoon.

I know people who are able to be in the zone for the total eclipse today. We’ve been texting and excitement is mounting.

There’s just something thrilling about witnessing an uncommon event – to know it is happening and that many who have lived before us did not see it. (The last total solar eclipse was 38 years ago, and the last time a total eclipse was visible from coast to coast in the US was on June 8, 1918!)

In my reflection of the this day – and the emotion I’m feeling – I’m realizing how many “total eclipse” moments occur in our lives that we may not see as that.

Births of wonderful children, milestone birthdays, retirement after 40 years of faithful work, reunions with long lost friends whom we love – even meeting one of our favorite TV stars in a parking lot.  :)

Today I’m wishing you a fabulous time experiencing this exciting event and all the accompanying emotions!  Make those memories!

I’m also wishing you many more wonderful total-solar-eclipse-occasions in your life!

DrK