Your Autofocus

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

~Soren Kierkegaard

If you’ve ever used the Autofocus on your phone camera, you know that means the lens is positioned to focus on the object nearest to you in the frame. Surprisingly, this is a good illustration for what we should try to do in an emotionally difficult  conversation.

When we’re working through an issue with someone, and we have relationship history with them, it’s very easy to bring up the past. We grab onto past incidents to strengthen our own arguments (and the other person does too). Unfortunately, it only makes matters worse.

You then leave the present reality that you can affect, and become stuck in the past that you cannot change.

Autofocus is the answer. :)   

Photo by Nareeta Martin

Set your focus on what is nearest to you: the conversation in the moment, what is being said in the here and now.  Deal directly with what is at hand, not all of the other related conversations that may have happened in the past (those need to remain a blur).

For example, if you’re talking with your teenager who says, “You never listen to me – you didn’t listen when I told you . . .  or when I said . . . “ (you get the picture), don’t be pulled in to that conversation. Stay in autofocus mode. Instead, say something like, “Maybe so, but I’m listening now. I want to understand what you’re trying to tell me today, in this conversation.” 

As with any relational dynamic, you only have control over your own communications. If the other person won’t stay in the present dialogue, you can’t force them.

But you can still practice, and the more you practice, the more quickly you’ll flip that autofocus switch on for yourself!

DrK 
If you'd like to discover more about how to autofocus in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

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