Those Goliath Moments

Learning how to handle conflict can be tricky. Usually when we don't know how to do something, we seek the instruction of experts and learn the skills for success in that area. Applying those principles in the practical settings of our life though, often presents a new challenge.

In the biblical account of David and Goliath (1Samuel 17), a young shepherd faces off with Goliath, a formidable combatant who intimidates the Israelite armies. David fights Goliath in the name of his Lord with only a slingshot and stones from a nearby stream -- and kills him, much to the astonishment of all.

As David was getting ready for the battle, King Saul put his own armor on David, along with his helmet and sword. David took some time to walk around in it all and see how he could maneuver. Then he took everything off, declaring he could hardly move. So to arm himself, he picked up what were proven weapons for him: his shepherd's staff, his slingshot and five stones.

Even though the king (the battle expert) was saying to David, "You need armor, a helmet and a sword to fight,” (these weapons had proven to be successful for Saul) when it came time for David to face Goliath himself, he had to rely on what he knew worked in his own experience. 

As you prepare for those Goliath times in your life, don’t try to walk around in someone else's armor. Definitely learn the principles and skills that will effectively empower you in the midst of conflict, but also trust what you already know about yourself. 

Engage with others in a way that is authentically you. Discover the behaviors that are the best fit for who you are and trust your own "slingshot and stones."

Cheers to you – choosing what works best!
DrK

If you'd like to discover more about what works best for you in conflict, contact me at stormbreakerconflictcoaching.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

Conflict and Limits (In Your Own Eyes)

Leadership expert, John Maxwell, has said, "To be successful in any endeavor, we need to get out of our own way."

This is certainly true when it comes to the goal of improving how we handle conflict. We can be our own biggest obstacle to taking the action we desire. The key is in how we see ourselves.

If, in your own eyes, you are small and powerless, lacking the ability to overcome a conflict situation, you will not be successful in making changes.

Behavioral scientists call these perspectives limiting beliefs. They are the thoughts we have that confine us, that keep us from taking the steps to move forward -- in other words, self-imposed prisons.

Conflict is something that can cause you to feel weak and confused, so you begin to see yourself in a state of diminished capacity. I'm sure you can recall a time when this has happened to you.

It is critical to move past this restrictive mentality and see the competence that already lies within you to master your situation. Reconnecting with the strengths and internal resources you already have will enable you to create a new vision of what you want.

When you become stronger in your own eyes -- when you see yourself as truly being capable of learning new skills and actually having influence on your environment -- it will make all the difference.

DrK
If you'd like some help identifying your own limiting beliefs, contact me at confidentconflict.com  and let's talk!
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict"

Conflict Equilibrium (Keeping Your Balance)

Balance is a word that has several meanings. It can refer to bodily equilibrium, or to mental steadiness and emotional stability. It has also been defined as a state of rest.

Experts tell us that if we want to improve our physical balance, we should focus on strengthening our core muscles -- the ones located in our torso -- because these are the muscles that provide the support for the spine and pelvis.

Putting our arms out like an airplane is actually not the essential element to maintaining our balance. How we use these core muscles dictates our power to evenly distribute our weight and remain upright and steady.

Keeping our balance in conflict is quite similar to maintaining our bodily balance. When we experience equilibrium in a relationship -- both internally for us as individuals, as well as between us and the other person -- we enjoy that state of rest and our relational interactions are good. But when something knocks us off-balance -- a look, a remark, an unexpected emotion -- our stability is compromised.

The remedy for improving our mental and emotional steadiness in these conversations is the same as the body work: we strengthen our core, the innermost part of who we are -- our values, our desire for protecting the relationship, our determination to hold on to respectful behaviors. When these guide our actions, they keep us stable in the flux of those moments.

If we learn how to strength our core abilities, we can find ways to keep our composure and cultivate a habit of calm behavior even in the midst of shifting emotions.

Your core abilities for your own equilibrium are always with you. In the times when you're not seeing them, remember they are there, and use them as that primary key to keeping your balance.

DrK

If you'd like to explore some practical help with strengthening your core abilities, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com

Conflict, Image and Family (oh my!)

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People in families tend to assign specific characteristics to one another, especially as the family is developing. We hear it all the time: "she's the baby," "he's the cut-up," "he's the serious one," "she's the ringleader." Before too long, we become aware of the image our family has assigned to us -- one that we may or may not like -- and we find that we continue to labor with that image in the family dynamics through out the years. We either enjoy being seen that way, or we are constantly trying to break out of it.

An extention of this occurs in conflict too. I'm sure you've experienced the moment when you realize the other person in the conflict has settled on how they want to view you. They fix that image in their mind and, more often than not, have a very hard time letting any new information you're trying to give them alter that image.

Of course, we have to notice we do the same thing to other people too, and have just as difficult a time allowing ourselves to see them in a different light.

Although you may feel like a salmon swimming upstream during the interaction, the trick is not to allow the assignments of others dictate how you behave. If you want them to see you differently, understand that your behaviors must line up with your values and purposes -- and that you must be consistent in those behaviors.

Being successful in overcoming what has been ascribed to you is certainly a challenge. What matters most is being convinced of the truth about yourself and determining what image you want to accept as you participate in your relationships. 

Conflict (and family) dynamics are pretty complex, but if we have our facts straight, we can find a clear picture of what we believe as we deal with them -- and hopefully cultivate the willingness to change our images of others too!

DrK

Busting Five Top Conflict Myths (Are You Ready to Rule?)

When I started my doctoral work, I was delighted to learn that many of the things I thought about conflict were myths. In discovering my misconceptions, I gained some new understanding and found myself in a greater position of strength to handle my relational turbulence. Hopefully, a few of these posts will do the same for you.

So . . . are you ready to rule?

Myth #1  Conflict is always something that takes you by surprise, that you have no control over, and cannot anticipate.

The truth is, a very large percentage of conflicts are completely predictable (who knew?). If you think about it, many of the conflicts you have in your life are part of a reoccurring pattern. By now, you've lived long enough (or lived with someone long enough) to know exactly what your hot buttons are, or how you may approach events differently than other people in your life. You may even keep having the same conversations.

Armed with all that information, and a lifetime of observations, you can definitely anticipate and prepare for what might happen in familiar situations. (Why you don't do this is a different blog post :)

The most significant predictor of conflict is change -- a shift in circumstances -- a new job, a new boss, changing schools, moving across town. When you, and the people around you, are trying to adjust to change, conflict happens. I'm sure you've experienced this many times.

So the good news is we can plan ahead -- right? (Why we don't is yet another post!)

We all know conflict is inevitable, but unsubscribing to the myth that we are totally at its mercy can provide opportunities for you to be proactive and skillfully handle many of the conflicts that may come your way.

~ DrK

To learn more about being proactive in conflict, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com  -- and sign up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule.