Land Mines

How many times have you been having a normal conversation with someone and all of a sudden (you still don’t know why!) they blow up at something you just said?

You didn’t even see it coming.

Thrown completely off guard, you immediately start saying things to calm the person down – but you’re just shooting in the dark.

Chances are the person has behaved that same way before. If you take some time to think about it, you should be able to see the pattern in their behavior – and also recognize how you consistently react to it.

Plan to handle it differently the next time around.

Resist trying to manage the situation. Since you don’t really know what happened, you don’t know the remedy.

However, you can manage you. Breathe. Stay steady. Give yourself a moment to recover from the shock. Listen to what they’re telling you, and try to address what they are experiencing.

Reach out to them and ask something like, “What can I do to help you with this right now?”  Let them take the responsibility for letting you know what’s on their mind.

I’ll have more to say about land mines in the future, but for now, allow these suggestions roll around in your thoughts.

I believe you will be able to figure a few things out.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about how to navigate land mines, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

To Talk or Not to Talk -- That Is The Question

 

So . . . you have an exchange with someone and you walk away feeling offended, hurt, or disrespected.  “What do I do now?” you wonder. “”Do I speak up about what just happened, or do I let it go and move on?

Much of the time, we elect not to discuss the dynamics. We come up with good reasons not to address the situation, and we determine it’s best if we just bottle up how we feel.

The mistake in that is thinking that bottling something up is resolution. 

As you continue to absorb your feelings, you’ll get to point when overflow will happen despite your best efforts. It’s like the full toothpaste tube with the cap on it. As long as the tube is just sitting on your bathroom counter, it’s in good shape, but if you pick it up and start squeezing it, that toothpaste is going to leak out somehow.

Your behavior toward the other person will change. It might be that eventually you start to snap at that person, or warmth will leave your demeanor when they’re around.  You may decline to be with them when invited.

Don’t be fooled – you haven’t accomplished anything. You’ve only traded one difficult situation for another.

Of course, making the decision whether or not to talk with the other person about the incident is yours to make. However, you must realize the decision cannot be one of taking no action at all.  You still have to do something about the offense and those feelings, even if it’s on your own.

You could possibly: forgive them and let go of their indebtedness to you; extend mercy to them for being so imperfect; understand what they might be going through and have compassion for them.

You did experience something and those feelings are not going to magically disappear. Bottling them up, stuffing them down, or absorbing them somehow, are insufficient solutions. You have to actively attend to them.

Acknowledge the reality. Honestly look at your own hurt or offense. Choose your action, and follow through.

You will find yourself in a much better place.

Dr.K

If you'd like to know more about how to take action, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

 

Knowing Your Personal Power

The best tonic in the world is the exhilaration which comes from the consciousness of personal power.   ~Orison Swett Marden

We’ve all been there – the moment in a conversation when we feel our sense of power slowly ebbing away. We experience the awareness of losing something – our choices, our confidence,  our solid ground. No matter how powerful we feel when the conversation starts, these moments can still happen – weakness and confusion can still set in.

 

This occurrence is often the root of conflict avoidance. Perhaps in the past, it’s what’s happened with a particular person, and you feel that lack of power in dealing with them. Maybe you generally don’t see yourself as having the toughness to confront.

I was happy to discover this quote by Mr. Marden because it describes the opposite situation – the times when we realize we do have personal power in our lives.  Personal power doesn’t mean the ability to overpower someone else. It is the complete power you have over yourself and your life as an individual.

In other words, your answers to questions like: What are your choices here?  What can you do? What is it you don’t have to do? What are you willing to do (or not)? What will you accept (or not)?

Here’s the truth:  you always have personal power in every circumstance. Your choices may vary, the realities of the situation will shape what that power looks like, and how you use your power may be situational . . . but it is always there.

Think of it like the stars and planets of the universe that surround our Earth. Not being able to see them in the daytime doesn’t remove them from existence.

Discovery is the key – bringing that personal power into your consciousness. In answering some of the above questions for yourself, and realizing those decisions do lie with you, you’ll experience the exhilaration Mr. Marden describes, and it will be the tonic that keeps your feet firmly planted.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about how to discover your personal power, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Proceed With Caution

Even though it may be a natural tendency to avoid conflict, one of the times we might still wade into it is when we're angry. We start making assumptions about the other person (who cares if they’re true) and lose our perspective about the situation. That’s when we say things we regret later, or perhaps feel very foolish about how we’ve behaved.

A big mistake we make in those moments is skipping the step of confirming or disproving our assumptions. The smart thing to do is slow down and proceed with caution.

This past week, I had a couple of conversations that got off track. The events began similarly, but had different outcomes, because I made this mistake in one of them.  

In the first one, when the person said something to me that got me a little ruffled, I did slow down. I took the time to ask him just exactly what he was trying to say. His intended meaning wasn’t at all how I took it, so I relaxed (whew, dodged that bullet).

The second incident did not go as well. My emotions got the better of me. I did not slow down. I did not patiently wait to discover the meaning of other person’s behavior. In fact, I just blurted out what was on my mind. When she explained what was happening with her, I learned I was totally wrong in my assumptions (sigh). I had a lot of apologizing to do.

I can’t emphasize enough the wisdom of proceeding with caution as soon as you become aware of friction. Not only will you head off unnecessary difficulties, but you will be in the best position to continue the conversation with clarity.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to slow down in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Being at Cross-Purposes

One of the earliest signs that a conversation with someone is starting to derail is when their response to what you’ve said doesn’t seem to make sense; it doesn’t seem to correspond with your words.

 I’m sure you’ve experienced that moment, because you immediately feel some confusion.

This is a signal to you that you both are coming at the conversation with two different minds, going after two different goals -- and you may be at cross-purposes.

What we typically do when this happens is keep talking -- and hope that eventually whatever is happening will get sorted out. 

The trouble with that is it never does because you both continue to talk from your own vantage point. 

When you first start to feel this confusion, the remedy is to stop the conversation and do a little checking in. Tell the other person you’re concerned you might not be talking about the same thing, and ask them how they are approaching the subject.

Hearing their thoughts will actually help identify your own mindset and will enable you to then communicate it with some clarity.

At that point, make it your goal simply to try and get on the same page with each other about exactly what it is you’re trying to accomplish in your discussion so you can move forward in sync.

This won’t eliminate possible future communication difficulties, but it will get you back on track for a while.

The key is do it early -- don’t wait until you’re both frustrated from the friction. You’ll be surprised how much it helps.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about checking in during conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Saints and Angels

As I was listening to a song recently, I heard the phrase “saints and angels” in the lyrics. My thoughts started drifting as I considered how these words can apply to us here and now.

Our human nature is infused with the desire to be saints and angels as we relate to others. We are wired with the capacities for internal moral strength (saint) and extending compassionate kindness to others (angel).

Although it may not typically be our constant state of being, (the flaws of our humanity frequently get in the way), these dimensions are deeply rooted in us.

As we journey through relational conflicts, there is a strong pull for us to ignore these callings and be self-absorbed with our own interests and needs. However, meaningful resolution eludes us until we make the other person’s desires and feelings integral elements of what we consider.

As you think about the possibility of courageously facing a difficult relational situation (and not avoiding it), know that your effectiveness in anything you do is directly correlated to your knowledge of all the good things that are in you – not only the skills you possess, but your heart’s capacities as well.

Recognize the saint and angel within you. Allow them to play their role in helping you bring about the outcomes you desire. You have the ability to triumph with compassionate strength.

 Sometimes it's just a matter of turning the key.            

DrK

If you'd like to know more about discovering your strengths in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Holding the Line (The Good Fight)

A verse in the Bible talks about “the good fight of faith.” There's depth to this phrase in these carefully chosen words.

Keeping the faith is a fight. The minute we determine we’re going to have faith about something, obstacles start to pop up everywhere, and all manner of hindrances seem to appear – shaking our conviction. We quickly learn it won’t be an easy task.

 

I like that the phrase says its’ a good fight – one that is worthy of our efforts. Maintaining our faith is right, valuable, and honorable.

When “faith” is preceded by these adjectives, it becomes a dynamic word, infused with boldness and passion.

We don’t typically connect the good fight of faith with conflict – especially if we tend to avoid it.

Wanting to change the status quo of your conflict conversations, or address patterns in your relationships that don’t work any more, can cause you to anticipate some level of conflict. Faith is what gets you over the hurdle.

Ending something you don’t want, in order to bring about something you do want, takes faith – faith that what you want is worthwhile; faith that you can build something different.

The well-known peacebuilder, John Paul Lederach, offers this thought:

“Conflict also creates life: through conflict we respond, innovate and change. Conflict can be the motor of change which keeps relationships . . . dynamically responsive to human needs. . .”

It’s not very natural to think of conflict as an agent of the changes we desire; yet, Lederach suggests precisely that.

Consider this today. See yourself interacting with others in your relationships in ways that are attainable, and hold on to your faith. The difficult discussions that result from your choice to make a change are evidence that you are, in fact, bringing it about.

Fight the good fight of faith.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to have faith in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation! "12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download