Where Are You?

If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This principle that Anne Lindbergh sums up is one that social scientists, scholars, and spiritual teachers have studied and written about for centuries. It is applicable in all human relations.

As we engage with one another, this is the order of things: knowing and being oneself first, then responding to others out of that understanding in meaningful and productive ways.

One reason we have such a difficult time when conflict happens is because we immediately begin to lose touch with ourselves. Our intentions become lost in our efforts to regain control of the conversation, and we start to deny our own perspectives or interests.

Holding on to yourself in those turbulent moments is quite a challenge!

Regaining your own thoughts is the first order of business in those situations. It will impact how you keep the circumstances from getting out of control, and will prevent you from losing your way in a complicated conversation.

When you feel yourself starting to go adrift, check in with yourself:

Are we still talking about the topic I brought up?

Am I still pursuing the goal I had in mind?

Am I still making choices here?

Then, go ahead and redirect the conversation as you feel necessary.

When you purpose to do this, you will be in a much better position to navigate what lies ahead.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about being yourself in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download 

It Only Takes One

It's October, a month that always signifies change to me as we begin to move toward Winter. Although the change at this time of year connects us with the world’s going to sleep, I feel the evolution dynamic Alexandra Elle expresses in her poem here:

evolution

feel. heal. grow.

that alone is

an act of rebellion.

explore. love. change.

that alone can lead to triumph.

The triumph of change is also a dynamic I associate with the power each one of us has to alter negative interactions in conflict.

It only takes one person doing something differently to influence a shift in the course of the conversation. You have significant power to impact what’s happening in those difficult moments simply by changing your own behaviors.

When you choose to change yourself – to change what you do – you change the whole paradigm from which you and those in your conflict are operating.

To put it simply:  change you, change the conflict.

Today I’m encouraging you to explore this idea and be rebellious. Be aware of the typical ways you respond to others when the going gets tough – and do something different!

Zig when you usually zag. Don’t take the bait when they push your buttons. Say how you‘re honestly feeling instead of shutting down. Change directions.

 . . and let even the smallest change lead you to triumph.

 DrK

  
If you'd like to know more about changing your conflict behaviors, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Hurricanes and Junk Food

We just went through Hurricane Irma here in Florida. We did all the prep work, endured the storm, and are in the process of recovery.

In comparing notes with my fellow Floridians, one thing we all seem to agree on is that when you go through a hurricane, you eat a lot of junk food – candy, snacks, soda, chips, Twinkies -- you name it.

I don’t know what it is about being cooped up in a storm that brings out the Junk Food Tiger in us, but it does, and when you let the tiger out, that’s the end of your disciplined, sensible eating.

Even if you don’t normally eat much of that stuff, you give yourself permission to when you’re doing your hurricane prep. You think, “Oh boy, a hurricane, I can buy junk food!”

For some reason, there’s a similar dynamic that gets activated when we’re in the midst of conflict. Under normal circumstances in our relationships, we would never think of saying vindictive words to one another. We wouldn’t automatically think the worst of someone we love. We would be caring toward them and be disciplined in our words.

And yet, when disagreements happen and things get heated, we start to feel the stirring of the Conflict Tiger within us. We may stay on top of things for awhile, but then we get frustrated, or the other person hurts us, and we give ourselves permission to let the tiger out. We lose control and become very hurtful people. We justify our behaviors because we are in the midst of a storm.

We Floridians can’t always calculate the harm that eating all the hurricane junk food does to us, but there is no question about the destruction that comes from losing control in conflict.

The truth is, you don’t have to succumb. When you feel yourself starting to allow your behavior to deteriorate, stop the conversation. Take a break. Find a way to gently tell the other person that perhaps you need to think about what’s been said so far and agree to rejoin them later.

Just like we hurricane people still have power over our food choices (the weather does not make us do it), you have power over your own behavioral choices. Don’t use the conflict hurricane as an excuse to wound others.

You are stronger than the storm.

 DrK

If you'd like to know more about taming your conflict tiger, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Understanding Your Capacity

There’s an old Mariah Carey song called “Hero” that makes the declaration a hero lies in each of us – one that is strong, and enables us not to be afraid of what we are.

As we live our lives, we all too often forget we are the Hero of our own story. We have many days when we feel like circumstances are carrying us along like white water rapids, and surviving is all we’re trying to do.

That is frequently how we view conflict too. We think, “I'll just get through it and pick up the pieces later.” Interpersonal dynamics are overwhelming, and we become more fearful than confident. Being a hero is the farthest thing from our mind.

The truth is, you do have hero power in conflict. You have choices that belong to you. You have influence on the direction the conversation’s going. You have a stake in the outcomes. You have the capacity to bravely stand for what you want and courageously show compassion to others.

Being a hero means being fully in charge of your own life, and using your ‘power’ for good. Two actions that are entirely possible in conflict, especially when you take the time to become skillful at them.

Answers to the conflicts of your life – and how you want to handle them – are inside your soul. Trust what is already there.

Stand tall. . . Go ahead – be the Hero!

DrK 

(A few of the lyrics)

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

If you'd like to know more about being your own hero in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

The Great American Total Solar Eclipse Day

Happy Total Solar Eclipse Day!

I can’t seem to get my mind focused today as I’m waiting for the solar eclipse to take place this afternoon.

I know people who are able to be in the zone for the total eclipse today. We’ve been texting and excitement is mounting.

There’s just something thrilling about witnessing an uncommon event – to know it is happening and that many who have lived before us did not see it. (The last total solar eclipse was 38 years ago, and the last time a total eclipse was visible from coast to coast in the US was on June 8, 1918!)

In my reflection of the this day – and the emotion I’m feeling – I’m realizing how many “total eclipse” moments occur in our lives that we may not see as that.

Births of wonderful children, milestone birthdays, retirement after 40 years of faithful work, reunions with long lost friends whom we love – even meeting one of our favorite TV stars in a parking lot.  :)

Today I’m wishing you a fabulous time experiencing this exciting event and all the accompanying emotions!  Make those memories!

I’m also wishing you many more wonderful total-solar-eclipse-occasions in your life!

DrK

The Reinterpretation

Years ago I had a conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I feel that loss even now. It wasn’t the issue of disagreement that we couldn’t resolve; it was the negative motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my good (although mistaken) intentions, but nothing I said convinced her to change her beliefs. She was immovable. Hearing how entrenched she was in her refusal to accept my perspective, I felt helpless as I realized our relationship was slipping away.

I often think of that experience when I’m in conflict with someone and I don’t want to accept their premise that what I believe about their motives is inaccurate. In those moments it’s a struggle for me to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens to you, understand that accepting what they’re saying about their intentions doesn’t require you to deny what you’ve experienced, or invalidate your emotions resulting from their actions. You should address these effects and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of those outcomes.

However, you have no jurisdiction to judge their motives – the reasons behind their behaviors -- no matter how you feel. You cannot decide what is in another’s heart, and you must let go of planting that flag.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, and to reinterpret their behaviors, actually comes from a place of strength in you. It is an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, make the choice to value your relationship. Resist the temptation to be close-minded. Be open to hearing and accepting what they’re telling you. 

You may be saving more than you know.

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about reinterpretation in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
 

Exploring Common Ground

I can hardly believe it’s August! Many schools are already into the new school year, and my county is starting back in one week! Where did the summer go?

Whether you have school-age children or not, the start of a school year still signals that summer playtime is over, and our world shifts to more structure and juggling more balls in the air.

Change is a major predictor of conflict. It can profoundly upset the carefully balanced mobile of your life, making you and the people around you susceptible to hot tempered flare-ups that can throw you off-kilter.

Happily, there is a quick way to find your footing when a skirmish ensues.

In evaluating conflicts, many mediation professionals begin their process by first identifying existing areas of agreement. They acknowledge there are issues, but they want to know what perspectives are shared, and where the point of disagreement first emerged.

You can do this too. Before jumping into a scuffle, take a few minutes to explore the possibilities of your common ground. Ask some questions first, such as

What do you want here that matters most to you?

            What are you seeing as an obstacle to that?

Internally check your response to see if you’re already on board with what they’re trying to achieve. 

Then ask yourself similar questions.

You might discover that you and others share goals and desires, but have different expectations of how to obtain them. Even if that’s not the case, this action will help you clarify the true issues, and give you a more effective starting point for your conversation.

It does require discipline to resist the temptation of immediately engaging in the conflict itself, but clearing away some misunderstanding right from the start will definitely make your efforts worthwhile.  

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to explore common ground in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download