Finding Certainty in Conflict

The uncertainty of conflict is often what motivates us to avoid it. Perhaps this is something you’ve experienced.

Maybe you’ve been unsure of how the other person was going to ultimately react, or of where they would want to take the conversation. You may have been concerned about how the conflict would change your relationship. Perhaps you were aware of the confusion you felt in a conversation when that uncertainty started to take hold.

It is true, there's much in conflict that is uncertain, and you definitely do not have any control over how the other person is going to behave. What you do have complete jurisdiction over, however, is you. (You’ve probably heard that before.)

This fact can help you find a level of certainty in the midst of conflict because you already know things that are certain about yourself. 

You know what you value. You know your beliefs about engaging in relationships. You know how you want to be in this world.

Instead of staying stuck in the confusion of what you don’t know about outcomes, take time for self-reflection and consider what you do know about how you want to handle the conflict in your life.

Making the quality decision to behave in ways that matter to you – despite what’s happening with the other person – and staying focused on those goals, will serve to anchor you in the chaos.

Identifying the path you want to follow for your behaviors can clarify your choices.

In a quiet moment (when you’re not in the middle of a conflict), begin the journey by asking yourself two questions:

1)  What behavior will help me be most true to myself when I am in conflict? 

2)  What can I learn that will strengthen me in behaving this way?

As you become more clear – and convinced – about who you want to be in conflict, you’ll develop a confident certainty that will carry you through.

DrK

 

If you'd like to know more about how to discover the certainty within you, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

The Fear of Being You

Frequently, when we avoid conflict, our fears play a major role in dictating our behaviors.  We might be afraid the other person will hurt us, afraid that what we want to happen won’t happen, afraid of the seemingly out of control chaos that conflict brings.

One of the earliest fears we may encounter is the fear that if we say what we want to say in a conversation it will start a conflict. This fear is not just about conflict, it goes deeper. It’s a fear about being ourselves and the impact that has on others.

This situation presents a crossroad to you  – if you go one way, a conflict may begin. If you go another way, you might feel regret, or a loss of freedom.

Try to remember it’s not necessarily an all-or-nothing decision. You are in charge of what you say, and for how long.

You can take it a step at a time. You can calmly speak up and say what you’re thinking. You might find it goes well, and continue the conversation. If things start to get heated, you’ll know additional emotional dynamics have entered the picture and you can pull back at any time.

Afterwards, you can review how it went, make some observations, and maybe go a little further in the future.

Certainly there are times when it is wise to watch and wait if we’re sensing a conflict brewing. However, if you’re avoiding saying what you think, or offering your perspective, because you’re afraid that being who you are might create tension, then let yourself take a small risk. Start to find the path leads to being you – courageously.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to courageously be you in relationships, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

The Evolution of Learning

One of the most significant reasons we avoid conflict is because we don’t like how we feel afterwards, and we don’t want to feel that way again.

We usually have regrets about how the conflict went – how we behaved, what we did or did not do -- and we second-guess the whole interaction.

Perhaps the deadliest phrase we can beat ourselves up with after conflict is “why did I let that happen, I should have known better.”

Nothing good comes from regret, but this statement is doubly futile. Not only because we always see things more clearly in hindsight, but because it is the actual act of that conflict which gives us the learning we needed.

When we engage in a situation with another person, we may think we already know how we’re going to feel or react; but usually we’re mistaken. We discover that we feel something different, we do something different, and we find out something about ourselves we didn’t know before.

What is important to see here is, this is exactly the way we learn. We have a new experience. We react to it. We discover what did and didn’t work, and, voila!, we have new learning.

The truth is, you didn’t “know better” at the time of the conflict.

After the conflict though you have learned – about yourself, the other person, and about that particular conflict situation – and you’ve learned what was missing before. 

Pay attention to that. Is there some kind of knowledge or skill you were lacking that could help you in a similar future situation?

Consider how you will implement that learning the next time around. (You can be sure, there’ll be one!)

If you’re tempted to think in hindsight that you should have known better at the time of a conflict, remember that you couldn’t have.

But you’re not completely off the hook – you definitely know better now!

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about picking up some conflict skills, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Beyond Survival

Have you ever been in a situation when you were just trying to survive? Things were coming at you so furiously and changing so fast, that survival was all you could manage?

Then, someone came along who had been through the same thing. They shared their knowledge and gave you the insights and tools to handle your circumstances. They showed you not only how to survive the situation but also how to competently maneuver within it.

Interpersonal conflict can certainly be one of those situations. When conflict hits, it does seem like all you can do is hold on tight and simply survive. As you see your interactions deteriorating, competently navigating them is the last thing on your mind!

This is the trouble with merely surviving conflict though, it’s not enough to enable you to walk away feeling satisfied with how you handled it. Doing something the way you want to requires more. It requires your being authentically in charge.

Today I’m offering you the perspective that there is an art to doing conflict. There are dance steps to learn, techniques for producing light and shadow, a way of looking for the contrasting colors.

There is a whole world beyond conflict survival, and it holds the promise of masterfully being you! 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about navigating conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

In One Week

Recently I was with a couple of friends, and one was sharing about her relief when she got some professional help with a problem that was causing her anxiety.

She told us that after her appointment, she felt validated in her own perspectives, armed with some sound learning about what was going on, and now had a plan for moving forward.

As I listened to her, I could see a visible difference in her demeanor from prior conversations. She definitely had some newfound confidence.

Then my other friend remarked, “Isn’t is great when you go to an expert about your situation and they set your mind at ease?”

This exchange carried my thoughts to next week's evening presentation, ”Being Queen Is Not That Complicated.” 

Interpersonal conflicts can feel overwhelming and confusing, but conflict resolution professionals know they don’t have to be. 

You can be equipped with solid learning about what’s going on in your conflict situation, become aware of your own perspectives, and have a plan for moving forward.

If you’re feeling like my friend was, and the idea of clarity, vision, (and a break from anxiety) appeals to you, I’m inviting you to come join me next Thursday, April 27^th.

Allow me to invest some time and resources in you that will help you find new confidence too. 

I know you’ll walk away with a little more spring in your step!

DrK
If you'd like to know more about uncomplicating your conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

The Hope That Is In Me

 

This week I’m taking a break from my conflict posting because Sunday is Easter, and as a follower of Christ, it’s a day for me to write about.

I’ve mentioned in the past that conflict resolution professionals are optimistic people; they know the potential for peace exists in the midst of any conflict.

I’m no exception – hope is my thing.

Today I want to communicate the Reason I have hope. It’s because Jesus – the Prince of Peace, the One Who made peace with God for us – is triumphantly alive!

When the power of God raised Him from death, He conquered its horrors – it’s destruction, and it’s hopelessness – and resurrected the hope of new life for all.

Although Christ’s story this weekend begins with His sacrificial death on the cross, it doesn’t end there. The the final chapter of the story is resurrection life, filled with victory!

For me, there is hope in all things because of Jesus and the power for peace He has given us: a spirit that is not fearful, but a one of power and love.

I will always have hope – in conflict and in life – because I am one of the Easter people, and I know that in the end, Life wins.

Wishing you the joy of a victorious life in the love of God!

DrK
confidentconflict.com 

A Place To Begin

Last week I talked about allowing yourself some space to consider your desires for a conflict situation and discover your ideas about its dynamics. This post is about taking action with that information.

Another thing that can keeps us paralyzed with inaction is becoming overwhelmed with what our situation encompasses – what is affecting us, affecting them, our relationship, the issues – it feels like too much to deal with.

And you know what? It is!  (Well, at least, all at once.)

A common trap you might fall into with sorting this out is thinking you need to tackle the whole thing in a single swoop. Conflict resolution professionals know a secret: that’s not how you approach an ongoing conflict. Your goal is to make small shifts in the direction of the conversation – from negative to positive – and work on only one piece of the puzzle at a time.

If you did the Magic Wand exercise, you now have a lot of data. Choose one item from the answers to the questions you asked yourself and think of how you could change that one thing.

For example, you might have discovered you haven’t actually allowed the other person to tell you how they truly feel. Perhaps you interrupt them, or dismiss the feelings they try to convey to you.

Decide this is the part you want to work on. Determine the next time that happens you will be aware of what you’re doing and discipline yourself to let them speak. Then verbally acknowledge how they’re feeling.

Now, this might seem like too small a paddle for your boat in the big ocean of conflict, but you’ll be surprised at the impact one change can make.

In the emotional flood of the prospect of changing a conflict conversation, all you really need to do is identify is a place to begin.

One place. One step. One impact. 

It will make a difference.
DrK

If you'd like to know more about identifying actions to take, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download