Conflict and Thanksgiving (Something For Your Gratitude List)

November ushers in the Season of Thanksgiving, and this week, many families and friends will gather together to celebrate that season. Hopefully, there will be moments of reflection on Thursday, and time to consider being blessed.

A sense of gratitude is not something we ordinarily associate with conflict though – that’s not quite the emotion we go to when we’re having trouble in a relationship.

So today I’d like to offer you the perspective that even with conflict, you can be grateful.

 

One of the most detrimental things to a relationship is indifference – simply not caring about it – feeling lukewarm about what goes on, being uninvolved or apathetic.

People in conflict are not indifferent. In actuality, they care about something very much. They care about an outcome; they care about the impact you have on their life; they may care about what you think of them.

If someone is engaging in conflict with you, it’s because something is getting stirred up in them (and probably in you!). Something matters, and chances are, they’re trying to get that across to you because they want you to understand them.

 

As you think about the people in your life this week for whom you are thankful, be thankful too for the ways they drive you crazy and lock horns with you every so often. Be thankful they are not indifferent to you or to your relationship. Be thankful they want to find ways to keep you in their life, and that they want you to understand them.

Regardless of what it feels like when you’re having trouble with them, be thankful that it’s all happening because you matter.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about feeling thankful in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

 

Veteran's Day 2016

Today is my mother’s 94th birthday -- I can hardly believe I’m typing that number! She is also a veteran, having served in World War 2, as a nurse in the Women’s Army Corps. Her story is archived at the Women In Military Service For America Memorial located at the gateway to Arlington Cemetery, where my father is buried. He served in the Army for 29 years. My family is among the millions who are remembering Veterans today – both living and dead. We mourn their loss and rejoice in the presence of those who are still with us. For all of them though, we feel nothing but gratitude for their service. Regardless of any election results angst happening this week, we remain a blessed nation. Today we honor sacrifices made and lives continuing to be given for the freedoms we possess. Let us stand today in the sacredness of their gifts. Dr.K

Conflict and Effort (Consider Your Choice)

Much of the time, when we find ourselves in a relational conflict, we want to find the easy way out.

Does that sound familiar?

Maybe when it’s you, it’s not very appealing to spend that kind of time or energy on resolving the issues. Making an effort to work things out might feel like too much work.

What you need to realize though  is that conflict itself takes effort, and that you are spending time and energy by not resolving the issues.

 

It takes effort to stay angry with someone, or to stubbornly hold on to your position against their resistance. You are spending time and energy being upset about the situation and rehearsing every anticipated conversation about it (maybe even losing sleep from time to time).

So its not really a question of making an effort, but of making the kind of effort that will bring good results.

Of course, that kind of effort requires more of you, doesn’t it? It holds more risk, less safety. You could reach out to the other person and they could possibly hurt you in return.

But think how it would be if your efforts bore fruit – if you found a way to repair something broken, to make peace in the relationship after all? What relief might that bring?

The next time things get rocky and you don’t feel like making the effort to smooth them out, consider the choice you have in how you want to use your energies. Be open to pushing forward, and make that effort toward something good.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about making an effort in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Competence (What's Inside Counts)

Competence:  The ability to do something successfully or efficiently.

When we think about dealing with the relational conflicts in our life, we don't easily go to the word "competence." More often than not, being in conflict feels like we are in the midst of chaos and barely holding on. Our only conscious goal is to try to get through it.

It doesn't occur to us that we may have inborn abilities to deal with difficult relational circumstances.

You do possess some conflict competence, you know, it's just a little buried.

Human beings have a natural desire to be in relationship and to be connected to one another. This need drives us to try and figure out how to resolve any disconnection.

Deep inside you do know how you want to handle your relationships. You know how you want to behave, what you value, and what you want to say in conflict situations. Yet this ability is hidden underneath layers of fear, confusion, intense emotions, and insecurities.

Today I'm challenging you to do a little digging . . . 

When you are able to be in a quiet place, give some thought to a recent conflict and consider how you might have handled it if all those layers hadn't been there . . . What would you have said? What would you have stood up for? What kindness would have been present in you as you engaged with the other person?

Take note of these things. Begin to discover your capacity to influence how your conversations go.

And then practice being you the next time around!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about discovering your conflict competence, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Awareness It Sneaks Up On You)

Have you ever felt like a conflict erupted out of the blue and you didn’t see it coming? Certainly there are instances when this is truly the case.

More commonly however, you’ve already had a growing awareness that a problem was developing. You have been experiencing small signs telling you something was not quite right between you and another person. You feel the disharmony when you’re around them.

I’m sure you know what I mean. Your internal signals are giving you clues that something is happening. As you continue to interact with the person, the warnings get louder.

And what happens?

Avoidance kicks in, right? “I know something’s wrong here,” you think, “but I don’t want to face it; I don’t want to bring it up.”  Then comes the misguided hope that the situation will simply resolve itself.

But it doesn’t – it only gets worse. Until the blow-up, when the situation is out of control.

At this earliest inkling of a conflict, you are in the strongest position to determine how you want to handle it and impact the outcome.

Pay attention to what you perceive. Recognize those prompts. Consider what they are telling you. Stop, look, and listen. Think about how you can tackle the circumstances.

You can start small, with non-confrontational inquiries. My colleague, Tammy Lenski’s post here offers some excellent examples of how to initiate the conversation.

Courageously address what you are sensing and stem the tide of what might be!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to act on your awareness of conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Conflict and Participation (It Takes Two)

When I tell people I’m a conflict coach, sometimes their response is, “I know someone who definitely needs your coaching!” They then go on to describe the conflict that person causes for them; as if it is something the other person creates all on their own.

I have found this to be a common perspective. Much of the time, we do view other people in our lives as the ones being difficult, and we believe the liability for the conflict lies with them. We see the conflict as something that happens outside of ourselves. 

We become blinded to the fact that we are complicit in the conflict evolution. It always takes two to have an interpersonal conflict.

Now, you might be reading this and thinking, “Not with me – I don’t say anything when things start to deteriorate; I don’t do anything either. It’s all them!”

What you’re missing though, is that you are still participating in the breakdown of the communication when you exhibit that behavior. Doing or saying nothing is just that – nothing. That is not useful communication, and it does contribute to the conflict.

The truth is, you are making choices throughout the exchange, choices about whether to engage positively or not. The choice to say or do nothing only communicates your intent to avoid the tough conversation or dismiss the other person’s petitions.

 

Don’t be mistaken – you are participating in the conflict when you do that.

So let this realization move you to honestly consider the role you play, and value your relationships enough to make a change.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to change the way you participate in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Conflict and Hurricanes (Something To Learn About)

A Patch of Blue Today Before Matthew

 All of us in Central Florida are working hard to be ready for Hurricane Matthew, so in these moments before the storm arrives, I thought I'd do a short post. ('Don't know when we'll have internet again.)

It's been an education for me living here and learning how to deal with the hurricanes. Initially, the idea of a massive storm descending upon me was quite disturbing, but I soon discovered some things I didn't know.

I learned that our meteorologists start tracking the storms when they are far away in the Atlantic, so we know several days in advance when one is coming. I learned that all the various weather conditions can be predictors of the storm's path, so we can have an educated guess where it might make landfall, and I learned there were things I could do to prepare and effectively protect my home and family. With each hurricane I've experienced, I've gained some new intelligence about how go through it.

Of course, that's what's been happening this week here, and now we're getting ready to sit tight after all of our preparations and see what happens.

When I started studying about conflict, what I knew of relational difficulties was a little like what I knew about hurricanes. It all seemed like a lot of chaos that happened with no warning.

Similar to my hurricane discoveries though, I learned that relational conflicts are simply a fact of life, and that there are predictors of when they can happen. I learned that we can prepare for them; we can develop some tools and good practices. Best of all, with each conflict experience we become better at handling it. 

A hurricane, of course, is not something we have total control over; neither is conflict. We do have to take them seriously as energies to be reckoned with. What gives me hope on both fronts, however, is the knowledge that we are not defenseless either --  and we are definitely smarter when we come out on other side.

Saying lots of prayers today for all of us in the path of this sobering storm.
DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to prepare for conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Patterns (We're A Lot Like Wallpaper)

If you’ve ever done a project with wallpaper (not the kind for your computer desktop), you know that patterns play a huge role in your efforts.

When you’re preparing to hang the strips side-by-side, you must take a good look at the pattern in the paper. You have to line up each strip in a way that allows the pattern to repeat successfully.

If you don’t pay attention to this, your wall will be a vision of chaos.

It is a similar situation in approaching conflict. As you have lived your life, you’ve developed patterns of coping with conflict. There are ways that you habitually engage and communicate in the difficult circumstances.  

Some of these patterns are productive and helpful, while others are not.

When you take the time for some self-reflection, and identify your patterns, you have a greater understanding of your conflict behavior and of how you relate to others in your contexts of disharmony.

Just like paying attention to the wallpaper patterns enables you to end up with a peaceful wall, when you ascertain troubling conflict patterns and learn new ways of behaving, your outcome is a more peaceful relationship.

At my Orlando workshop in a couple of weeks, we will take time to explore existing personal conflict patterns and some new ideas for changing the ones that are counterproductive.

Whether or not you’ll be my guest on October 15^th, spend a little time giving your patterns and habits some thought. Recognizing even one thing that you can change can be a big start toward improving your conflict moments.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to look for your conflict patterns, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download