Conflict and Fire (Keep Your Light Burning)

Well, the Olympics are over (sigh) and what a grand couple of weeks we’ve had watching the real-life drama play out before our eyes. We witnessed so many stories of triumph and tragedy, hope and disappointment.

It was bittersweet for me to watch the big moment last night when the Olympic flame was extinguished.

The flame was a reminder to me that something bigger than our individual lives was taking place, and seeing it burning brightly evoked inspiration and energy. Watching the torch grow dark was a sad goodbye.

As I gazed at my tv, I couldn’t help but think of how often there are situations in our lives when we feel our own light go dark, when our love, warmth and passion are extinguished.   

Certainly relational conflict can be one of those times. All too often, the actions of the person with whom you are in conflict can result in your feeling diminished.  

Others may communicate that your desires are subordinate to what they want. Perhaps you find yourself losing self-control and becoming someone you don’t want to be. Maybe you are the one who uses the strategy of invalidating others in order to manipulate them.

Keeping your flame burning in your relational interactions is critical to both your success in resolution and your ability to walk away from a difficult situation with no regrets. 

It doesn't take much to do this:

Be convinced your thoughts, desires and goals are of equal importance with the others in the conflict, and keep them “on the table."

Continue to interact with behaviors that are authentically you; learn ways to stay in control.

Make the effort to help others keep their lamp lit as you work out solutions (this will fan your own flame).

Although we had to say goodbye to the Rio Olympic flame, don’t say goodbye to the flame of all that is good in you -- even in conflict.

Keep your fire ignited and burn, baby, burn!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about keeping your light burning in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 
PS. I have no idea where all the code below came from! Technology, arrghhhh!

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Conflict and Strategies (Do You Have A Game Plan?)

One of the many things I’ve enjoyed about watching the Olympics as been the interviews with the athletes. I like hearing what their thoughts were as they performed their sport. The swimmers – in both individual and relay events – were very methodical as they approached their races, and had a strategy for how they wanted to swim. The rowers, too, had very intentional plans for executing their races.

  

Knowing that they want to succeed when they in engage in their sport, the athletes don’t leave the situation to chance. They make plans for how they’ll swim, or row, how they’ll pace themselves, when to shift gears and sprint.

I know in rowing, you don’t show up without a race plan.

When it comes to relational conflict, one doesn’t typically think of having strategies, or approaching it in a certain way (that seems to be reserved for negotiations). In dealing with difficulties that come from day to day interactions, the tendency is  to react and just barrel through them.

But why wouldn’t you have strategies for conflict too? Why wouldn’t you give it some thought and be ready with a strategic plan? Aren’t the goals of success and worthwhile engagement the same in a good relationship?

Simply paying attention to your own patterns of relating or how someone else reacts to your behaviors can give you enough information to think of a strategy for dealing with the difficulties.

Put yourself in a position to be effective and do well in conflict – have a plan for taking on those dynamics. Who knows? You might even medal in relationships!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about strategies in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Boundaries (Staying In Your Lane)

Today I’m celebrating Gevvie Stone’s Silver Medal in the single sculls and the USA Women’s Eight Gold Medal Win in Olympic Rowing on Saturday!  Congratulations, Team USA!

Such a beautiful sight– those six boats heading down that race course. You wouldn't know to look at them what it takes to steer the boat in that straight line and stay in the designated lanes.

As I watched the aerial views of the boats (and, the bird’s eye view of all the swimming events), I saw those lanes and thought about how helpful it is to have buoys floating in the water to make the lanes clear to the athletes and give them some bearings. Then I thought – wouldn’t it be great if we had such clear lane designations in relationships!

 

Boundaries work is a major part of developing conflict skills. As confusion sets in and clarity is lost, it can be easy  to cross into each others lanes. Perhaps you take on a responsibility that isn't yours, or others start making choices for you that you’re supposed to make. You might even substitute their thinking for yours. 

  
The psychological term for this is enmeshment – when you get entangled relationally -- it's like swimming in each others lanes.
You've probably experienced this. Somehow in those conflict moments you lose sight of that line that tells you where the other person ends and you begin.
  

Clarifying boundaries – learning how to recognize them and to identify when they get crossed – can contribute to positive results in conflict. Skillfully maintaining the lines that help you function autonomously can produce a sense of self-control that leads to confidence.

Even if you’re not an athlete whose sport has clear lanes in which to compete, you do have a lane for living your life that is only yours. Finding a way to stay in it (and teach others how to keep out of it) will make it possible for you to steer a straight line in your life’s race.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about boundaries in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Control (How Is Your Weather?)

The Olympic Rowing events were cancelled today due to the weather conditions (sigh).

Rowing canceled as skies darken over Rio Olympics

Anyone who participates in outside sports knows you are at the mercy of the weather. In rowing, too, it can be quite disappointing to show up for your race and find that the weather has made other plans for you (this has happened to me at a few regattas).

When you’re a rower, you practice being a master oarsman in all kinds of weather conditions because on race day you have to be ready for anything. It is tough though when the wind is so bad that the race gets cancelled. The weather is simply something you can’t control. 

There is a factor in relational conflict that’s like that uncontrollable weather in sports: the other people. You can feel as prepared and confident as possible as you start to work with them, but they can behave in ways that totally interfere with your abilities to keep things on track. Sometimes, perhaps to your dismay, their behavior brings the conversation to an abrupt end.

The inspiration to take from today’s scheduled rowers is their response to the situation.

What do you think those Olympians did with their day? Did they say, “Oh good, a day off to go sightseeing”?

My guess is that they used today as another opportunity to train (inside). They worked to maintain their strength and endurance levels; they kept their bodies conditioned, and then, they probably took some time to rest.

Do the same when you hit the turbulence in a relational exchange that signals you have hit something beyond your control and you’re not going to do what you had hoped. Understand there are still a few things within your own grasp.

Maintain your vision; maintain your skills. Seek out a different context so you can keep moving. Rest.

Then, like the rowers in Rio, you'll be just as ready to take up the race when it gets rescheduled!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about responding to conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Conflict and the Do-Over (The Repêchage)

How exciting to be watching the Olympics these days!

Seeing the cauldron lit by the Olympic torch Friday night was certainly a thrill. The Olympics are such a marvelous way to watch the World come together in harmony and sportsmanship.

In honor of The Games, my next several posts will be about conflict lessons or connections that can come from sports -- especially rowing :)

Today’s post is about the repêchage. This French word can be translated as “second chance” or “rescue.” In rowing (and a few other sports), the repechage is the event where those who have lost in a qualifying heat, get to try again to go through to the finals. They get a second chance at their goal.

When it comes to conflict, we don’t usually think in terms of a “do-over.” We have our conversation that may become heated, things are said (or not said), and however it ends up is often where we leave it. Sometimes, after it’s all over,  we realize there are things we wish we had done differently. It doesn’t always occur to us to have a second conversation to address those regrets. 

Today, I want you to think about the repêchage. Believe that tough conversations can be revisited. Create another opportunity to hit the mark you may feel you missed.

It is the repêchage that brings possibilities to the hopeful Olympic rowers. If they lose their heat, they don’t have to come off the water in despair; they know there is one more chance waiting for them.

Give yourself the second chance in conflict  . . . and be open to giving others another chance too!

DrK
 

If you'd like to know more about second chances in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Clarity (Having New Eyes)

Often when I have an opening conversation with a new client, she is  all over the map while talking about the conflict that’s bothering her. As she’s speaking, I hear many emotions and many issues that are on her mind. It all comes tumbling out in a stream of consciousness as she jumps from one topic to another. 

Part of our initial work is to sort through everything and help her get more organized in her thinking so she has a greater understanding of the conflict, and can envision the outcome she truly wants.

Relational conflicts can push many buttons. You may be aware of the familiar ones, but new ones can be in the mix as well. Sometimes smaller matters are related to one another and are actually a part of a bigger issue. Sometimes the entire conflict is actually only about one main on-going problem.

It's necessary to take this organizational step to reduce confusion and identify what is important to you in the conflict. It is essential to have an accurate road map for where you want to go with the situation, and to know what resolution looks like to you. 

Equipped with this understanding, you will also be clear about subsequent actions you want to take. 

Clarity can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but taking the time to develop this insight in peaceful moments will have a significant impact or your ability to articulate your goals and desires when tackling any follow-up conversations in the future.

DrK

 
If you'd like to know more about clarity in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Conflict and Movement (Keep A-Goin')

"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me? " 

  ~Ayn Rand

Recently I re-read this quote and was reminded that often the answer to the "who is going to stop me?" part can very likely be, "me."

You may not be a person who cares if someone will let you do something, or who is daunted by obstacles that prevent you from moving forward.

But you may still experience the very real struggle of simply trying not to stop -- in other words, to keep going.

Many years ago, Frank Stanton wrote a poem entitled "Keep A-Goin." He was a Georgia boy and had his own way of urging his reader to sing when you feel like sighing, and keep going.

The truth is, the surest way to sabotage obtaining what you hope for is to stop --  to abandon your desires, stop moving forward, or stop taking action. The good news is that it’s also true the decision whether or not to stop is completely up to you. 

So today, on this first day of a brand new month, I'm joining the internet ranks and saying (not only to you, but to myself ) . . .

Don't Stop

Don't stop trying to be the person you know you want to be.

Don't stop being the mother you want to be, or the spouse, or brother, or friend.

Don't stop working for the family you want to have, or the business, or the ministry.

Above all, don't stop pursuing that path of peaceful relationships that is calling to your heart!

Remember, 100% of the decision to continue is yours -- yours alone -- and whatever efforts you make will bear fruit in due season if you'll just keep a'-goin'.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to keep going in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download