Proceed With Caution

Even though it may be a natural tendency to avoid conflict, one of the times we might still wade into it is when we're angry. We start making assumptions about the other person (who cares if they’re true) and lose our perspective about the situation. That’s when we say things we regret later, or perhaps feel very foolish about how we’ve behaved.

A big mistake we make in those moments is skipping the step of confirming or disproving our assumptions. The smart thing to do is slow down and proceed with caution.

This past week, I had a couple of conversations that got off track. The events began similarly, but had different outcomes, because I made this mistake in one of them.  

In the first one, when the person said something to me that got me a little ruffled, I did slow down. I took the time to ask him just exactly what he was trying to say. His intended meaning wasn’t at all how I took it, so I relaxed (whew, dodged that bullet).

The second incident did not go as well. My emotions got the better of me. I did not slow down. I did not patiently wait to discover the meaning of other person’s behavior. In fact, I just blurted out what was on my mind. When she explained what was happening with her, I learned I was totally wrong in my assumptions (sigh). I had a lot of apologizing to do.

I can’t emphasize enough the wisdom of proceeding with caution as soon as you become aware of friction. Not only will you head off unnecessary difficulties, but you will be in the best position to continue the conversation with clarity.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to slow down in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Being at Cross-Purposes

One of the earliest signs that a conversation with someone is starting to derail is when their response to what you’ve said doesn’t seem to make sense; it doesn’t seem to correspond with your words.

 I’m sure you’ve experienced that moment, because you immediately feel some confusion.

This is a signal to you that you both are coming at the conversation with two different minds, going after two different goals -- and you may be at cross-purposes.

What we typically do when this happens is keep talking -- and hope that eventually whatever is happening will get sorted out. 

The trouble with that is it never does because you both continue to talk from your own vantage point. 

When you first start to feel this confusion, the remedy is to stop the conversation and do a little checking in. Tell the other person you’re concerned you might not be talking about the same thing, and ask them how they are approaching the subject.

Hearing their thoughts will actually help identify your own mindset and will enable you to then communicate it with some clarity.

At that point, make it your goal simply to try and get on the same page with each other about exactly what it is you’re trying to accomplish in your discussion so you can move forward in sync.

This won’t eliminate possible future communication difficulties, but it will get you back on track for a while.

The key is do it early -- don’t wait until you’re both frustrated from the friction. You’ll be surprised how much it helps.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about checking in during conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Saints and Angels

As I was listening to a song recently, I heard the phrase “saints and angels” in the lyrics. My thoughts started drifting as I considered how these words can apply to us here and now.

Our human nature is infused with the desire to be saints and angels as we relate to others. We are wired with the capacities for internal moral strength (saint) and extending compassionate kindness to others (angel).

Although it may not typically be our constant state of being, (the flaws of our humanity frequently get in the way), these dimensions are deeply rooted in us.

As we journey through relational conflicts, there is a strong pull for us to ignore these callings and be self-absorbed with our own interests and needs. However, meaningful resolution eludes us until we make the other person’s desires and feelings integral elements of what we consider.

As you think about the possibility of courageously facing a difficult relational situation (and not avoiding it), know that your effectiveness in anything you do is directly correlated to your knowledge of all the good things that are in you – not only the skills you possess, but your heart’s capacities as well.

Recognize the saint and angel within you. Allow them to play their role in helping you bring about the outcomes you desire. You have the ability to triumph with compassionate strength.

 Sometimes it's just a matter of turning the key.            

DrK

If you'd like to know more about discovering your strengths in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Holding the Line (The Good Fight)

A verse in the Bible talks about “the good fight of faith.” There's depth to this phrase in these carefully chosen words.

Keeping the faith is a fight. The minute we determine we’re going to have faith about something, obstacles start to pop up everywhere, and all manner of hindrances seem to appear – shaking our conviction. We quickly learn it won’t be an easy task.

 

I like that the phrase says its’ a good fight – one that is worthy of our efforts. Maintaining our faith is right, valuable, and honorable.

When “faith” is preceded by these adjectives, it becomes a dynamic word, infused with boldness and passion.

We don’t typically connect the good fight of faith with conflict – especially if we tend to avoid it.

Wanting to change the status quo of your conflict conversations, or address patterns in your relationships that don’t work any more, can cause you to anticipate some level of conflict. Faith is what gets you over the hurdle.

Ending something you don’t want, in order to bring about something you do want, takes faith – faith that what you want is worthwhile; faith that you can build something different.

The well-known peacebuilder, John Paul Lederach, offers this thought:

“Conflict also creates life: through conflict we respond, innovate and change. Conflict can be the motor of change which keeps relationships . . . dynamically responsive to human needs. . .”

It’s not very natural to think of conflict as an agent of the changes we desire; yet, Lederach suggests precisely that.

Consider this today. See yourself interacting with others in your relationships in ways that are attainable, and hold on to your faith. The difficult discussions that result from your choice to make a change are evidence that you are, in fact, bringing it about.

Fight the good fight of faith.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to have faith in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation! "12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

More About First Steps:Taking the Risk

I have a new friend – I like her a lot.

We are working on an Orlando community project together and I'm enjoying getting to know her.

However, I am keenly aware I'm experiencing the conflict avoidance case I mentioned as #1 in my last post. I don’t want to do anything to cause friction between us when we’re working. I don’t want to disagree with her, and sometimes, I don’t want to give her my opinion if it’s different from hers. I want our interactions to only be positive. (How unrealistic is that?!)

The trouble is, I am also aware that I’m not being me.

When we avoid conflict in a relationship for reasons like this, we think we are fostering the growth of the relationship by keeping the peace; but the reality is, we are stunting its growth. If you are not authentically you when you connect with other people, it only creates false relationships. They think they're getting to know you, but they're not.

In my case, if being a caring friend to this woman is my desire, it’s more beneficial to her if I engage honestly, even if it makes waves. She deserves to know the real me. She needs to know that I do have opinions, and that I have something to offer our friendship. 

(From my 2016 ME calendar)

The consistent goal can’t be "favorable” interaction -- it needs to be “honest” interaction.

 I realize it’s hard to take the risk to be yourself if you think conflict will ensue. For example, I could think, “If I’m really me and we have disagreements, she might end our association when the project is over."

That could certainly happen (I do have my own sorrows from past experiences like this), but it is worth the risk to know the truth -- and maybe end up with a great new friend after all!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about being you in conflict, contact me at
confidentconflict.com
for a complimentary conversation.

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

   

First Steps

If we’re going to talk about helping you develop new confidence for engaging with conflict, the first step is to explore why you want to avoid it. Although you may have personal reasons for doing this, there are some common explanations you may identify with too. Here are a few:

1.  Not wanting want to rock the boat in a relationship because you want the other person to like you -- particularly if you really like them.

2.  Believing in peace at all cost. Not wanting to have negative conversations so that you can keep the relationship peaceful and tension-free. 

3.  You don’t want to hurt the other person (and there’s a good chance you will if you say what’s on your mind).

4.  Avoidance is the course of least resistance; you get too tense or scared when a conflict erupts. You’d rather refrain from saying anything and absorb the negativity.

We think avoiding conflict means avoiding negative circumstances in our life. The truth is, avoiding the conflict just creates a different kind of negative impact for you. You feel an internal frustration and discouragement, or you give up something that matters to you. Essentially, you're only trading one distressing situation for another.

Our faulty thinking tells us if we avoid the conflict, the issue will go away, but you’ve probably already experienced that it doesn’t. Generally, it ends up bringing more destruction than it would have in the beginning.

If you are a person who avoids conflict, these thoughts probably aren’t enough to motivate you to do anything differently in the days ahead.

It’s ok – that’s another conversation.

For now, let yourself start to think about this part of it. When you find yourself in a potential conflict situation and you avoid it, collect some data. See if you can figure out what made you run in the other direction – what were the details that bothered you?

It is a beginning step. 
DrK

If you'd like some help exploring your conflict avoidance, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!

"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download