Relief and the Tough Conversation

We all have them . . .

Those nerve-racking conversations that loom in our future, put a knot in our stomach, and keep a low level of anxiety with us every day. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Maybe you have to deliver bad news that will be heart-breaking for another person. Or maybe it’s good news (for you) but you know it will still alter the other person’s life and they won’t be happy about it. 

So you keep putting it off.

One of the ways to do this is by rehearsing what you’re going to say – over and over. You think that if you can get your wording right and be ready for what the other person might say, you can head off some of the terribleness you anticipate in coming face to face with the wave of emotions.

This is faulty thinking though. It is an illusion to believe it is within in our control to keep the conversation from being difficult. By the very definition of the task at hand, it is going to be troublesome – there's no escaping it.

So here are two things for you to remember:

1.         You just have to go ahead and wade into the deep water.

A little prep work does help. It is a good idea to take some time to collect your thoughts and consider your objectives. It is also a good idea to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you’re ready with some solid help for them.

           

But taking more and more time to do this will not change the future. Only tackling the conversation will.

2.         When you do this, great relief will be waiting for you.

No matter how distressing the encounter may go, the weight of the anticipation will lift off your shoulders. Instead of so much of your energy being utilized in dealing with dread and worry, now your energies will fuel forward movement – for you and for them.

This has continually been my experience – and I’m confident it will be yours too.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to face those tough conflict moments, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

The Here and Now

Cultivating mindfulness is a very popular topic these days. You’ve probably seen all kinds of books, quotations, and videos on how to do that, and on the benefits of staying in the present moment.

Conflict is a situation that contains a great pull for us to leave the present and shift to the past – often with gusto.

You might begin a conversation with an issue from the present, and you might even be able to stay in the moment for a while, but then when you feel you’re loosing ground, you bring out the big guns. You start talking about how the other person has hurt you in this way many times before, and you start firing off a well-nurtured list of all the related offenses they have committed.

And there you are again – stuck in the past. The power you sought was an illusion, and your words are useless.

Talking with someone about their current behavior, with the hope of a coming change, is a forward thinking conversation – it is future-focused. Actions you take toward that future are determined in the present. The past makes no contribution to this end. It is only a trap.

  

If you start to feel like your power is ebbing, you don’t need to bring up the past, you only need to stand your ground in the present moment.

You are the most powerful in the here and now.

Zero in on the goal of the present conversation and don’t be distracted. Resist going anywhere else with your thoughts. Remain intentional.

A little mindfulness doesn’t hurt either.

DrK
 

If you'd like to know more about how to hold on to the here and now in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Secret Agent

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.”  ~ Richard Bach

I have a friend who’s moving to Boston. It’s her first major move since she got married and had her two children. This has precipitated reflective conversations between us. We’ve talked about change and the season of chaos it can bring to one’s life, the scariness about not knowing what lies ahead, and the new possibilities – the “gift” as Richard Bach says – that will be coming to her and her family.

The agent of change in my friend’s circumstance is her husband’s new job, and it was their choice to make the change. Sometimes though, this is not the case when change comes to you.

Conflict is an agent of change. You may not have thought of it in that way, and it’s certainly not one you would choose.

Consider this though: conflict shakes up our status quo, takes us down unknown paths, and forces us to make decisions about living differently as we navigate them.

As it is with my friend’s move, along with the chaos and scariness, conflict brings new possibilities – for understanding, respect, and connection.

When you think about a conflict that you are experiencing, try looking at it from this perspective – that it is meant to have an active role in producing something new in your life.

Ask yourself two questions:

     What change is this conflict setting before me now?

     What is the “gift” in its hands that is there for me to discover?

You just might be surprised at what happens.

Dr.K 
If you'd like to know more about how to discover the gifts in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 
 

Finding Certainty in Conflict

The uncertainty of conflict is often what motivates us to avoid it. Perhaps this is something you’ve experienced.

Maybe you’ve been unsure of how the other person was going to ultimately react, or of where they would want to take the conversation. You may have been concerned about how the conflict would change your relationship. Perhaps you were aware of the confusion you felt in a conversation when that uncertainty started to take hold.

It is true, there's much in conflict that is uncertain, and you definitely do not have any control over how the other person is going to behave. What you do have complete jurisdiction over, however, is you. (You’ve probably heard that before.)

This fact can help you find a level of certainty in the midst of conflict because you already know things that are certain about yourself. 

You know what you value. You know your beliefs about engaging in relationships. You know how you want to be in this world.

Instead of staying stuck in the confusion of what you don’t know about outcomes, take time for self-reflection and consider what you do know about how you want to handle the conflict in your life.

Making the quality decision to behave in ways that matter to you – despite what’s happening with the other person – and staying focused on those goals, will serve to anchor you in the chaos.

Identifying the path you want to follow for your behaviors can clarify your choices.

In a quiet moment (when you’re not in the middle of a conflict), begin the journey by asking yourself two questions:

1)  What behavior will help me be most true to myself when I am in conflict? 

2)  What can I learn that will strengthen me in behaving this way?

As you become more clear – and convinced – about who you want to be in conflict, you’ll develop a confident certainty that will carry you through.

DrK

 

If you'd like to know more about how to discover the certainty within you, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

The Fear of Being You

Frequently, when we avoid conflict, our fears play a major role in dictating our behaviors.  We might be afraid the other person will hurt us, afraid that what we want to happen won’t happen, afraid of the seemingly out of control chaos that conflict brings.

One of the earliest fears we may encounter is the fear that if we say what we want to say in a conversation it will start a conflict. This fear is not just about conflict, it goes deeper. It’s a fear about being ourselves and the impact that has on others.

This situation presents a crossroad to you  – if you go one way, a conflict may begin. If you go another way, you might feel regret, or a loss of freedom.

Try to remember it’s not necessarily an all-or-nothing decision. You are in charge of what you say, and for how long.

You can take it a step at a time. You can calmly speak up and say what you’re thinking. You might find it goes well, and continue the conversation. If things start to get heated, you’ll know additional emotional dynamics have entered the picture and you can pull back at any time.

Afterwards, you can review how it went, make some observations, and maybe go a little further in the future.

Certainly there are times when it is wise to watch and wait if we’re sensing a conflict brewing. However, if you’re avoiding saying what you think, or offering your perspective, because you’re afraid that being who you are might create tension, then let yourself take a small risk. Start to find the path leads to being you – courageously.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to courageously be you in relationships, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

The Evolution of Learning

One of the most significant reasons we avoid conflict is because we don’t like how we feel afterwards, and we don’t want to feel that way again.

We usually have regrets about how the conflict went – how we behaved, what we did or did not do -- and we second-guess the whole interaction.

Perhaps the deadliest phrase we can beat ourselves up with after conflict is “why did I let that happen, I should have known better.”

Nothing good comes from regret, but this statement is doubly futile. Not only because we always see things more clearly in hindsight, but because it is the actual act of that conflict which gives us the learning we needed.

When we engage in a situation with another person, we may think we already know how we’re going to feel or react; but usually we’re mistaken. We discover that we feel something different, we do something different, and we find out something about ourselves we didn’t know before.

What is important to see here is, this is exactly the way we learn. We have a new experience. We react to it. We discover what did and didn’t work, and, voila!, we have new learning.

The truth is, you didn’t “know better” at the time of the conflict.

After the conflict though you have learned – about yourself, the other person, and about that particular conflict situation – and you’ve learned what was missing before. 

Pay attention to that. Is there some kind of knowledge or skill you were lacking that could help you in a similar future situation?

Consider how you will implement that learning the next time around. (You can be sure, there’ll be one!)

If you’re tempted to think in hindsight that you should have known better at the time of a conflict, remember that you couldn’t have.

But you’re not completely off the hook – you definitely know better now!

DrK 

If you'd like to know more about picking up some conflict skills, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download
 

Beyond Survival

Have you ever been in a situation when you were just trying to survive? Things were coming at you so furiously and changing so fast, that survival was all you could manage?

Then, someone came along who had been through the same thing. They shared their knowledge and gave you the insights and tools to handle your circumstances. They showed you not only how to survive the situation but also how to competently maneuver within it.

Interpersonal conflict can certainly be one of those situations. When conflict hits, it does seem like all you can do is hold on tight and simply survive. As you see your interactions deteriorating, competently navigating them is the last thing on your mind!

This is the trouble with merely surviving conflict though, it’s not enough to enable you to walk away feeling satisfied with how you handled it. Doing something the way you want to requires more. It requires your being authentically in charge.

Today I’m offering you the perspective that there is an art to doing conflict. There are dance steps to learn, techniques for producing light and shadow, a way of looking for the contrasting colors.

There is a whole world beyond conflict survival, and it holds the promise of masterfully being you! 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about navigating conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download