Exploring Common Ground

I can hardly believe it’s August! Many schools are already into the new school year, and my county is starting back in one week! Where did the summer go?

Whether you have school-age children or not, the start of a school year still signals that summer playtime is over, and our world shifts to more structure and juggling more balls in the air.

Change is a major predictor of conflict. It can profoundly upset the carefully balanced mobile of your life, making you and the people around you susceptible to hot tempered flare-ups that can throw you off-kilter.

Happily, there is a quick way to find your footing when a skirmish ensues.

In evaluating conflicts, many mediation professionals begin their process by first identifying existing areas of agreement. They acknowledge there are issues, but they want to know what perspectives are shared, and where the point of disagreement first emerged.

You can do this too. Before jumping into a scuffle, take a few minutes to explore the possibilities of your common ground. Ask some questions first, such as

What do you want here that matters most to you?

            What are you seeing as an obstacle to that?

Internally check your response to see if you’re already on board with what they’re trying to achieve. 

Then ask yourself similar questions.

You might discover that you and others share goals and desires, but have different expectations of how to obtain them. Even if that’s not the case, this action will help you clarify the true issues, and give you a more effective starting point for your conversation.

It does require discipline to resist the temptation of immediately engaging in the conflict itself, but clearing away some misunderstanding right from the start will definitely make your efforts worthwhile.  

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to explore common ground in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Christmas In July

It seemed like everywhere I turned this past month, someone was doing a “Christmas in July” event. Hallmark, QVC, and other retailers were tugging on our Christmas heartstrings and offering great deals for early Christmas shopping.

It's made me think about Holiday conflicts, and what a good idea it is to get an early jump on handling them before they’re upon you. By that time, you’re so inundated with holiday activities, your goal is to just "get through” any tough situations and put off dealing with them until next year. Preparing for the conflicts in advance is smart, but typically, the motivation to do this is low.

Psychologists tell us one of the biggest obstacles to our taking action on something that needs attention is the lack of a sense of urgency. Feeling the reality of a situation is what actually motivates us to make changes; the further our brain is removed from that reality, the more complacent we feel. If it seems there is no bigger pain on the horizon, it’s easy to stay stuck in the status quo.

This is certainly true of relational conflicts. We simply don’t want to do anything about them unless they are happening in the present moment.

In his book Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud suggests it is up to us to create that sense of urgency for ourselves. “You have to make your mind and heart feel the reality today that is surely coming tomorrow,” he writes.

You must think of the realities of the situation, and feel what it will be like to keep dealing with those same issues year after year (and at every Holiday season).

This week, do a little “Christmas in July” thinking. Help yourself feel the painful ways you’re relationships are not working for you. Allow your brain to envision what it would be like for circumstances to be better – and the relief it would bring. Take the action to learn something now that will make your holiday relations more peaceful.

Create that sense of urgency for yourself so you can be proactive, and get ready to be in charge when the 2017 Holidays arrive!

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to prepare for holiday conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

The Other Side of the Story

Years ago I had a difficult conflict with a friend of mine that resulted in the end of our friendship. I still feel the loss even now. The issue that originated our disagreement wasn’t what we couldn’t resolve, but the heart motives she was ascribing to my behaviors.

I talked to her repeatedly about my intentions and perspectives, but nothing I said could convince her to change her negative beliefs. She was immovable. We had been friends for several years by then, and I felt such disappointment in her refusal to accept my side of the story.

I often think of that experience when I’m at odds with someone and I don’t want to accept that what I’m believing about them is inaccurate. In those moments, it’s a struggle to concede that ground. “How can that be true,” I think, “when I’ve experienced something different?”

When that happens, what we need to remember is we don’t have to deny what we’ve experienced, or invalidate the emotions resulting from their actions.

It’s our beliefs about their motives – the reasons behind their behavior -- that we have no jurisdiction to judge. As sure as we may feel about it, we cannot truly know what is in another’s heart. We must let go of planting that flag.

We can address the effects their actions have had on us though, and wholeheartedly pursue their recognition of that outcome.

Sitting across from my friend, hearing how entrenched she was in her viewpoint, I felt helpless as I realized we could not be friends anymore.

Allowing yourself to hear the other person, to accept what they’re saying, and to genuinely try to reinterpret the situation comes from a place of strength in you. It is actually an act of empowerment – for you and for them.

The next time you find yourself in this place, make the choice to value your relationship. Be open to hearing what the other person is telling you, and consider that it just might be true. 

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle your beliefs in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

Conflict and Expectations

Recently I was introduced to the idea that relationships mean expectations, and expectations mean conflict.

I started noticing that my tense relational situations were, indeed, rooted in unmet expectations.

During a brief skirmish with a family member, I realized it was because she was expecting me to do a certain task, but I was expecting her to do it. We were both frustrated.

Throughout the week, whenever I clashed with someone, I was aware it was because I was not meeting their expectations or vice versa.

This is actually a very good principle to understand in dealing with conflict.

When expectations clash, we don’t always recognize that’s what’s happening right away. Frequently we think the other person is being stubborn or uncaring, which then creates resentment in us, and the conversation starts to go down the wrong path.

For example, differing expectations about how to spend money could lead to one of you seeing the other person as stingy, and one of you seeing the other person as irresponsible. Instead of exploring your expectations and the desires stemming from them, you end up attacking one another about those character traits.

If you can keep this principle in mind – that contrasting expectations are probably fueling the conflict – you’ll be able to get to the heart of what’s truly happening rather quickly.

Granted, it is difficult to adjust your expectations. Yet, in a relationship, that is exactly what’s required. Using your communication to understand the dynamics that expectations introduce, and working together to adjust and/or meet them will definitely move you toward the outcomes you desire.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to handle expectations in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

 

Relief and the Tough Conversation

We all have them . . .

Those nerve-racking conversations that loom in our future, put a knot in our stomach, and keep a low level of anxiety with us every day. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Maybe you have to deliver bad news that will be heart-breaking for another person. Or maybe it’s good news (for you) but you know it will still alter the other person’s life and they won’t be happy about it. 

So you keep putting it off.

One of the ways to do this is by rehearsing what you’re going to say – over and over. You think that if you can get your wording right and be ready for what the other person might say, you can head off some of the terribleness you anticipate in coming face to face with the wave of emotions.

This is faulty thinking though. It is an illusion to believe it is within in our control to keep the conversation from being difficult. By the very definition of the task at hand, it is going to be troublesome – there's no escaping it.

So here are two things for you to remember:

1.         You just have to go ahead and wade into the deep water.

A little prep work does help. It is a good idea to take some time to collect your thoughts and consider your objectives. It is also a good idea to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you’re ready with some solid help for them.

           

But taking more and more time to do this will not change the future. Only tackling the conversation will.

2.         When you do this, great relief will be waiting for you.

No matter how distressing the encounter may go, the weight of the anticipation will lift off your shoulders. Instead of so much of your energy being utilized in dealing with dread and worry, now your energies will fuel forward movement – for you and for them.

This has continually been my experience – and I’m confident it will be yours too.

DrK

If you'd like to know more about how to face those tough conflict moments, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

 

The Here and Now

Cultivating mindfulness is a very popular topic these days. You’ve probably seen all kinds of books, quotations, and videos on how to do that, and on the benefits of staying in the present moment.

Conflict is a situation that contains a great pull for us to leave the present and shift to the past – often with gusto.

You might begin a conversation with an issue from the present, and you might even be able to stay in the moment for a while, but then when you feel you’re loosing ground, you bring out the big guns. You start talking about how the other person has hurt you in this way many times before, and you start firing off a well-nurtured list of all the related offenses they have committed.

And there you are again – stuck in the past. The power you sought was an illusion, and your words are useless.

Talking with someone about their current behavior, with the hope of a coming change, is a forward thinking conversation – it is future-focused. Actions you take toward that future are determined in the present. The past makes no contribution to this end. It is only a trap.

  

If you start to feel like your power is ebbing, you don’t need to bring up the past, you only need to stand your ground in the present moment.

You are the most powerful in the here and now.

Zero in on the goal of the present conversation and don’t be distracted. Resist going anywhere else with your thoughts. Remain intentional.

A little mindfulness doesn’t hurt either.

DrK
 

If you'd like to know more about how to hold on to the here and now in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download

Secret Agent

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.”  ~ Richard Bach

I have a friend who’s moving to Boston. It’s her first major move since she got married and had her two children. This has precipitated reflective conversations between us. We’ve talked about change and the season of chaos it can bring to one’s life, the scariness about not knowing what lies ahead, and the new possibilities – the “gift” as Richard Bach says – that will be coming to her and her family.

The agent of change in my friend’s circumstance is her husband’s new job, and it was their choice to make the change. Sometimes though, this is not the case when change comes to you.

Conflict is an agent of change. You may not have thought of it in that way, and it’s certainly not one you would choose.

Consider this though: conflict shakes up our status quo, takes us down unknown paths, and forces us to make decisions about living differently as we navigate them.

As it is with my friend’s move, along with the chaos and scariness, conflict brings new possibilities – for understanding, respect, and connection.

When you think about a conflict that you are experiencing, try looking at it from this perspective – that it is meant to have an active role in producing something new in your life.

Ask yourself two questions:

     What change is this conflict setting before me now?

     What is the “gift” in its hands that is there for me to discover?

You just might be surprised at what happens.

Dr.K 
If you'd like to know more about how to discover the gifts in conflict, contact me at confidentconflict.com for a complimentary conversation!  
"12 Ways to Rule in Conflict" Free Download