Myth #4 Acknowledging that my actions have hurt the other person is agreeing with them about my motives.
Believing this myth will lock you into a defensive posture in conflict every time.
When a person is trying to tell us how our actions have hurt or offended them, we start self-justifying and make the conversation all about why that's not true. We stop listening to them, and our energies become focused on explaining ourselves.
We do this, in part, because we think if we concede we've hurt them, it means we have to agree to the rest of what they're saying about us.
The truth is, acknowledging they are hurt or offended does not mean you are automatically agreeing to the motives or intentions they are ascribing to you. Nor does it mean you are responsible for fixing how they feel. It is simply allowing their experience to become part of the conversation.
You can rule in this by still communicating how you experienced the event and addressing your own motives and objectives, while continuing to understand that others feel the way they do, regardless of your intentions for the outcome of your behaviors.
It's like this -- your actions are your actions, and nobody else's. If your behaviors hurt someone, you need to be secure enough to own that and recognize what has happened with the other person. Chances are you did impact them somehow if they are saying you did.
Go ahead and attend to their feelings. It is not a broad admission of guilt. it is simply being aware of another human being's plight, and honestly accepting the role you've played in it.
You'll be surprised how showing this consideration can shift the conversation in a more positive direction.
DrK
If you'd like to learn more about how to practically acknowledge another person's feelings, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- and sign-up for my free offer for a few more ways to rule
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