Myth #5 Conflict presents a problem to be solved and resolution only means coming up with a solution to that problem.
(The myth part here is the word, 'only')
Problem-solving and ending up with some sort of agreement between two people is a very common approach to conflict; it is the way most people think about it. Believing this is the only path to resolution though can commit you to tunnel vision, and can possibly move you toward a power struggle for the solution (which may not necessarily bring about genuine resolution).
Sometimes resolving a conflict simply means getting to the place where you both can peacefully talk about the issue and not fight about it. Sometimes it means finally gaining an accurate understanding of what each of you is experiencing.
The truth is, the people involved in the conflict define what the conflict is -- and what resolution is. They determine these things for themselves.
You will rule in this if you pay attention to what matters to you in prescribing these things. It could be restoring the connection that was broken between you and the other person; maybe you only want the opportunity to express your self and feel like they've heard you.
This goes for the other person too -- they need to think along the same lines for themselves -- and even if your ideas of resolution can't quite accommodate one another's, agreeing to disagree can be a form of resolution as well.
You might be someone who is really good at problem-solving and would like things to be neatly executed when all is said and done -- and there's nothing wrong with that. What I'm suggesting here is that you open your mind to other ways of thinking about this, to other possibilities. You might end up "resolving" more than you think!
DrK
Hopefully you've gotten a few ideas from this myth-busing series. If so, I'd love to hear about them.
Comment here, or contact me at www.confidentconflict.com.
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