Conflict Maneuvers (Small Adjustments)

My last post was about strengthening your core to keep your balance; this one is a related thought.

If you've ever tried to keep your body balanced while walking on a curb as if it was a balance beam, or tried to ride a bike without holding onto the handlebars, you know that once you establish your equilibrium you must still maintain it as you move forward. You start moving your arms up and down, or adjust your core, and are constantly make the necessary movements.

Have you noticed that you only need to make small adjustments with your body to stay balanced? In fact, if you make too big of an adjustment, it can actually cause you to fall.

This law of small adjustments is applicable in the relational context as well.

What's interesting is that in the physical world, it's easy to see that small adjustments are best; they feel natural. When we experience being off-balance in conflict conversations though -- when that mental or emotional stability is affected -- small adjustments feel counter intuitive to us.

In that moment of sudden instability our first instinct is to make a huge gesture -- something with a lot of power behind it. Then we quickly discover that the big reaction was not helpful  It only pushes us more off-kilter, sometimes even in the opposite direction.

I recently experienced this myself in a conversation when my emotional equilibrium was thrown off. My adjustments were too big and they took me where I didn't want to go. The also created additional difficult dynamics which required considerably more work from me to get things back on track.

If we understand the law of small adjustments, we can learn how to temper our reactions. We can see that we don't need to use as much emotion in our words, or go on the offensive so strongly.

We can recognize that the small adjustments to maintain our personal balance can contribute to keeping the balance (and the peace) in the bigger relationship picture.

The discipline for small adjustments certainly takes practice (like riding that bike without using your hands!), but it's good to know it can be a pathway to successful conversations.

DrK

If you'd like some help learning how to make small adjustments in your life, contact me at www.confidentconflict.com -- or my Facebook page